I'm censoring myself right now and I don't like it. I want to post about something, but that would require me talking about something that would make some people not happy. Why do I feel the need to walk on eggshells?

I'm so tired. Of everything. But especially of hurting.

I think I need to step back for a while. Be away.

If you live according to the flesh you will die.

I have a feeling something bad is about to happen.

A lot of people from my work are coming to see Sentimental Journey. It's in Scottsdale and everyone lives in Glendale. But they're all going to drive a really long way to show support. I love the people I work with! I also love what I do. Yesterday a woman called to tell me she was having a plaque made for me and Tammy as a thank you for treating her so great during her STD. (short term disability) It's stuff like that which makes me love my job. However, this still doesn't negate the fact that I'm getting paid squat. Things have been so busy lately that I haven't had time to see what else is out there. And I'm kind of spread thin lately. Between JesterZ and SJ rehearsals, I've also been packing and unpacking my things and planning a trip and reading Shakespeare for an audition. And audition that I don't really have time for and can't go to call backs or even the first week of rehearsal b/c of the current show I'm doing. Plus I want to talk to Tonya about voice over stuff. And I need to burn those CDs and print my labels. Then there's a big networking thing Friday night that I should attend, but that's my first day off all week. I want to come home from work early and play with my new ipod that I haven't even had a chance to charge up. Last Saturday I wrote everything in my planner that I had to do over the next couple of weeks and felt really overwhelmed. So instead of doing anything productive, I read a book cover to cover in one sitting. I also have no food and am tired of buying lunch everyday. But I can't do anything about that today b/c of rehearsal. Ugh. Sorry, that was a huge rant. Hmm...maybe if I wasn't on the computer bitching, I could actually get something done. OK, pile of books and movies to find a place for before N&B return, here I come.

I have a new pet. It is a light pink lizard that lives in my bathroom behind the toilet. Sometimes he comes out when I'm getting ready in the morning. I think he watches me shower. Let's name him, shall we? Suggestions anyone?

Does anyone know how to block pop up ads? The Wendel's computer is driving me nuts. Seriously, there are 15 open windows only because I can't close them fast enough. But that's not why I'm not in bed.

Tonight on the way home from rehearsal I was thinking about the fact that I had written about mowing the lawn. And I had used the word "mown". Was that a real word? Or did I make it up? Then I realized I now had a dictionary and I could look it up. Because I spent several hours Sunday dividing my stuff up with Paul. Sunday was hard. It was sad to divide everything up. "Do you want this?" "No, you can have it." "I'm taking the real dictionary but you can have the Scrabble one." Then we sat together for a while and I tried not to cry. And when my phone rang he held on and asked me not to go. It was so familiar to be there with him again. To talk about our days and what was going on in our lives like we used to. Things we're nervous and afraid of. I don’t know. I guess I have nothing to say. It just made me sad.

Had an almost scary moment at work today. I spend half of my time researching and processing claims, and the other half on the phone answering questions to members. Most of the questions are stupid. Sometimes it's really sad b/c these people have no money and their IRP claim is going to determine whether or not they can keep their house. Sometimes I'll get a horribly angry person on the other end who didn't read their SPD and want to know why their claim is being denied. A few times I've been threatened. Now, I don't take these seriously, but we still have to report them. "I'm going to run my car into your building" just doesn't have clout coming from someone on the other side of the country. But, in this day and age, you still have to be careful.

Today I got a call from Gail in the front office to let me know a member was downstairs and wanted to see me. Um, why didn't she call or write? What on earth does she need in person from me? I'm not by a computer if I come downstairs, so I can't answer any questions. Was I even allowed to go down there? So I grabbed my manager and we went down together. I don't know what Patty would have done if this woman had pulled a gun and shot me. Well, it turns out that she just had a doctor's note to drop off and she lived down the street so she decided to stop by. All worry for nothing.

Still haven't mown the lawn. Bad House Sitter. Bad.

It started out as an innocent, "Oh, I'll just read a couple of chapters, then get on with my day."

That was almost 14 hours ago.

I cried almost non-stop the last two chapters. It was very Obi-Wan Kenobi-ish.

Another couple of years before all the questions are answered.

This Phoenix laments, as well.

This made my throat tighten:

"I am not worried, Harry," said Dumbledore, his voice a little stronger despite the freezing water. "I am with you."
p. 578

Several things have made me laugh out loud, but none more than these two:

"Am I about to discover where you, Ron, and Hermione disappeared to while you were supposed to be in the back room of Fred and George's shop?"
"How did you--"
"Harry, please. You're takling to the man who raised Fred and George."
p.134


There was a noise like a plunger being withdrawn from a blocked sink and Ron surfaced. Hermione acted as though she had not seen or heard anything.
p. 313

Nancy and Bob are gone for another week. They left specific instructions to not injure myself or break anything of theirs. Thanks for the vote of confidence, guys.

In related news, my swimsuit top finally came, so no more washcloths!

I'm currently in rehearsals for a fun dinner-theater-type show. It's set up like a 40s USO tour: singing, dancing, skits. You get dinner Friday and Saturday night, and dessert only Sunday afternoon (which is why tickets are cheaper). Here is the info:

Sentimental Journey
August 19 & 20 @ 7pm. Tickets = $12.50
August 21 @ 2pm. Tickets = $7.50
First Baptist Church of Scottsdale
7025 E Osborn Road
Scottsdale, AZ 85251
480.945.6346

I will have their website up later, but you should come enjoy the show!

Trunk full of clothes and photo albums. Next weekend is the last one. The place has to be gutted and cleaned. Don't know where I'm going to put my stuff or keep my bike.

Life sure turns out differently than you plan, doesn't it?

Reason 978 why I love Nancy and Bob:

Came home after a long day of work and rehearsal to see Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince laying on my pillow.

Ahh!!! You guys ROCK!

Mixed day.

Work kinda sucked. Tammy and Cassy both moved away from me. Alicia was supposed to take Tammy's place (but never in my heart) tomorrow, but she quit today. Two people cried on the phones with me.

But then I left work.

And now my Chicago trip in August is officially planned!!! The plane tickets are purchased and the hotel reservations are made. Ben's studly love muffin is coming, so I'm looking forward to that. I have the hottest brown and pink dress with brown shoes that are cuter than cute! I was going to save its debut for the performance of my friends, but I'm volunteering at a fundraiser next week, so it gets a warm up. Baby Wants Candy is that Friday night. And maybe, just maybe, if I can keep my eyes open that long, the improv jam at 12:15. Eek! Yippee!

Brandey, Hagrid, and Cosand, we are sorry you aren't going, and we will miss you.

But not too much, as we will be busy having loads of fun.

OK, y'all need to calm down. I am still the same Ashley. (my dad's first words were, "Well, here's what I'm concerned about...") My personality hasn't changed. My dreams and goals haven't changed. Some of the stuff on the inside has, but I'm still the same geek you know and love. I will not join a cult or drink kool-aid until I die. I will not force-feed religion down anyone's throat. In fact, most of you wouldn't even realize a difference if I hadn't written a post about it. I will still attend the occasional all-night party. I will still find an excuse to wear my corset for Halloween. (sorry you will miss that one, Tosha)

Do not worry. I am still the same person. Only different way deep down. And you never knew her to begin with. Not that that's bad. I'm just saying I keep myself very guarded. We all do. We only let the outside world see bits and pieces of ourselves.

Trust me. It'll be okay.

June 10 = trip to LA
July 10 = becoming a Christian
I wonder what new beginnings are in store for August 10...

According to Tammy per the Webster online dictionary, I am a geek, not a nerd.

And the worst part about everything is that Tammy is moving THREE WHOLE AISLES away!!!

So mad I could spit nails

I have been working in this office for almost two years and I have been constantly walked all over. I am so tired of it. Today was the last straw. I'm really good at what I do and I learn fast. For that reason, I'm getting overlooked for other positions--because they don't want to lose me where I am. People threaten to quit, and the company offers them more money. But when I lay out what I do to justify a raise, they're upset that I'm ungrateful. Ugh. I know I only have 6 more months here, but that's a REALLY long time when you're unhappy. And being taken advantage of. Plus, nothing's written in stone about January anyways. What if I stay? What if I'm able to do the work I want in Phoenix? I love this city, and I don't really want to go. So if anyone has a job opening, I'm a super employee. Just don't push me around.

Every day at the office they pass around the horoscope section from the Arizona Republic. I have become addicted to "The Scene" in section E. It's a little Hollywood blurb written by Suzanne Condie Lambert. Sometimes she has the most hysterical stuff tucked into her column. The quotes come from the AP, but the filler is all hers. The following is a portion of yesterday's article. It was about how Jackie Chan is quashing Chris Tucker's dreams of a Rush Hour 3:

"He's still a new actor," Chan says..."He needs to learn slowly."
Probable translation: Tom Cruise can get away with demanding that studio chiefs pay tribute in the form of hypnotized, virgin brides, but Tukcer should just shut up and bring the doughnuts, already.
Tucker's publicist did not return the AP's call.
In related news: Mmm. Doughnuts.

Wow.

I almost didn't post what I'm about to write. I don't know why. Wait, yes I do. I'm sick of people judging me. But this is my blog, and this is my life. If you don't like what I have to say, don't read it. If you don't like me because if it, well, tough.

My life just changed. Things have been happening the past few months to facilitate it, but tonight it blossomed. Around January I saw Passion of the Christ. And I remembered some of the stories and wanted to learn more. So I opened my Bible for the first time in years and started reading. A little each night. But then I stopped. Just sort of fell out of the habit. And, honestly, I felt Paul was judging me. He sort of teased me for reading it. I've also wanted to go to church, especially since I moved out here. The first play I did was at a church, but I never attened a service. It's not that Paul was opposed to it, he just didn't have any interest. So I gave up on that. Then, I believe it was the week before LA, David took me to his church. And I fell in love with it. I missed the following Sunday, and also when I went to Sedona, but I've attended regularly since that first time. The sermons have really spoken to my heart. Last week the sermon was about the parable of the shephard looking for his one lost sheep and brining it back. So I called all the people who have been instrumental in my renewal of faith lately and let them know how important they are to me. David, Candy, Faith, Michelle. People I can talk to and ask questions. I also started reading again. Because I wanted to know more and understand. I think I've been ashamed to talk about my faith before, because it's not something that I've ever done. And it's because of that old habit that I almost didn't post this. But something major happened tonight and I want to share.

Today was a very full day. Church, JesterZ, rehearsal for the dinner theater show I'm in. Candy was there. I met her in that first play I did two years ago, and we've remained close ever since. We don't see each other as often as we'd like, but now we live closer and we're both in this show. The other day David asked me if I was a Christian and if I'd accepted Christ into my heart. I didn't know how to answer that. I had years ago when I was a kid, but it has a different meaning now. I want to fully understand the question before I answer. What does it mean to be a Christian? What does it mean to accept Christ? After rehearsal tonight Candy asked me the same question, and we talked at length about everything that's been going on with me lately. I asked her how, and she said to proclaim it in front of another person. To not be ashamed or afraid. So I sort of wanted to do it there, but for whatever reason didn't. Then we said goodnight. I sat in my car for a sec to send a text message while she drove off. 15 minutes later she calls me and asks if she was being too pushy. We chat for a minute, then I look to my left and see a volvo two lanes over.

"Candy, look to your right."

We crack up. And she asks if I want to do it on the phone. Not really, plus right at that moment the reception starts to break up. We are at her exit from the highway; mine is just two miles up. I tell her to pull off into a parking lot. We get out of our cars and laugh and hug. She has tears in her eyes. We start to pray. And deep down I wonder if I'm really going to mean this. What does it really mean to me to accept Christ? And as I say it out loud, as I ask for forgivness, the tears come. And I realize I do mean it. I was so incredibly filled with emotion. And we stood there in the back parking lot of some crummy restaurant on Dunlap holding hands and praying and crying.

I have accepted Christ into my heart. I now understand. It's scary and exciting and filled with peace. My life has new meaning.

I was invited to play with L4 last night at the 10 o'clock show. Ben, Jason, John C. Ben was L3 until recently and Jason rehearsed with us a lot a couple of months ago. John C is a Buffy fan, which means you can never go wrong, so I felt really comfortable with these players. The show went pretty well. I'd never played with such a small cast, and it was very sweaty. Some of the down points were playing games I'd never played or had only seen. We closed with that. And for the first time since I can remember, I completely froze. I had nothing. Sorry Ben (who was my partner). The rest of the show I was generally happy with, but that wasn't a good note to end on.

tabula rasa

Spent the afternoon scanning and posting more pics instead of working out. Oh well. Some were from a photo shoot zha did with me. Jesse showed up. Others are just pics I liked and people I miss. It was fun to go through them. Thanks for putting me in that mood.

This is perhaps one of the best voice mail messages I've ever received. From Faith:

"I love your guts. Yeah, the bloody, gory ones. I love 'em."

Thanks, Faith, I love your guts too.

Well, that was a bust. I just spent about 30 minutes in the sweltering heat trying to get the stupid lawn mower started. I called Nancy, but she said Bob was out on a boat with Eric (my cousin). I now stink of sweat and gasoline, but luckily have time to shower before rehearsal. I also told her how I broke their skimmer basket. She laughed. A lot. Then she told me that she yawned Saturday morning and her jaw locked open for a while (she has tmj). So I laughed. Good times. Good times.

OK, I no longer want to jump off a bridge.

Reminded myself of little things. Of how I'm being looked out for. I was in physical therapy for a month to strengthen my knees. For no other reason than I had the insurance. Like when they discovered my dad's heart problems. There was no reason for him to have a physical. He just went. And so did I. It is because of that new strength that I didn't injure myself more seriously when I fell.

I hate everything right now.

Why do I keep reading? Fireworks have been exploding for almost 3 hours. I don't like sleeping alone. Rebecca, Aaron, Bill, Matt, Mr. Broerman. I don't want to remember. I'm sick of being sad. But I can't stop reading. I want to call off work for the rest of the week and hole up in my room.

Why am I being like this? What the heck is going on? I think it's depressing that I've been talking about moving to LA for 4 years and I'm not there.

I still hate everything.

Also, the psychopathic killer keeps snapping at me. Just stab me to death and get it over with already. Gosh.

I am rebelling against the television. I used to watch tv and movies all the live long day. Not anymore. I should be cleaning my room/folding and ironing my clothes. But, alas, I am not. I also don't care one bit about fireworks. Bah humbug. So instead I'm reading. I started by reading the archives to this site. To remember who I was 10/01/01. Some of the memories made me laugh. Some made me cry. I'm a very different person now. I used to have the mouth of a sailor. That's much more tame now. Which I'm glad about. I forgot how many people died in such a short time. I forgot about certain fights with the folks and my old neighbors upstairs with their crazy habits. I remembered what it was like to live alone. I miss that sometimes. I miss not knowing anyone or caring about anything. I just went to work and came home. I know I've said it before, but sometimes I wish I could go through life like that. Go to work. Come home. Go to bed. Not interact with anyone. Not care.

I'm re-reading posts about Paul. And remembering the fun we had. Which kinda makes me sad.

I'm tired of loving. Sick of it. I quit. Officially. No more.

Just me and myself this whole week. I sort of don't even want to go to rehearsal. Reading the posts from 2001 makes me want to revert back to that person. Not go out or do anything. Ugh. This is depressing.

I'm sorry I wasn't a good friend to you this weekend. I'm sorry I borrowed your deodorant because now all I smell is you.

I'm sorry I disappoint everyone. I'm sorry I care. I'm sorry I want to be a better person. The person I was all those years ago...she just lived for the moment. She could go to parties and make out with people and never talk to them again. But now I want to be different. To be better. Grr...it was so much easier the other way. Even though I was lonely.

The Official Story Of How I Did Not Break My LegKneeFoot

Some of you have heard it, but I left out a key component--what exactly I was wearing. Here is the full tale:

Saturday night I was going to a friend's house for dinner, and I decided to make brownies. They would take an hour to bake, so I went outside to tan. Now, only the bottoms of my suit are in, but I didn't want to have a tan line. So I took two washcloths and folded them up over my boobs. I guess I could have gone topless, but the next door neighbors have a two story house and can see into the back yard from the upstairs. As I have mentioned before, N & B are out of town. They have a list of things for me to do. One of them is put chlorine in the skimmer. What is a skimmer, you might ask? Well, I'll tell you. It's built into their deck about 1.5 feet deep and has a bucket that catches the pine needles from above neighbor's trees. It is less than 1 foot in diameter.

I'm laying in the pool, wearing bikini bottoms and two folded up washcloths when I decide I'd rather be laying on the deck listening to music. (Bob had purchased an MP3 player for me when he was in China) I gather my phone, MP3 player, and towel and head over to the lounge chair. It is at this point that I step directly into the skimmer basket. My first thought is, "Crap. I think I just broke my leg and knee and foot." My second thought is, "Crap. I just dropped the washcloths." I stay there for a few seconds afraid to look down at what I had just done. I feel my toes folded up in the pit. My knee and leg are throbbing. My thumb is bleeding and my MP3 player is toast. Sadness.

Well, my leg begins to swell at an odd angle and everything feels kinda weird. I realize now that it was probably shock. I hobble over to the lounge chair and continue to lay out. I wasn't going to let something like a broken leg get in the way of my tan. But the skin was raw and started to fry under the sun. I limp inside and give up.

After church Sunday I spend my afternoon at the Urgent Care. Nothing to worry about. Just horribly bruised. And I even get jipped on that! I don't bruise easily. I would be the perfect battered wife b/c no one would see any marks. My leg is killing me and swollen, but only slightly green. What a rip off. I really need to mow the lawn, but it may have to wait until tomorrow after work. My leg still throbs a little when I'm on it for too long.

The best part about this whole ordeal is how ridiculous I must have looked. A semi-naked chick stepping directly into a 2 foot hole. Ahhh, reason 978 why I am not a stripper or porn star.

Wow. So this is the most I've posted ever in my life. The air conditioner in this house makes a funny noise. Every once in a while it sounds like someone is snapping. Which completely freaks me out. Because I'm all by my self. And I'm afraid to turn around and see a murderer standing there, snapping at me. Just checked. No one's there. Ugh. Someone please stay with me this week! Candy? You're close. zha--too bad last week was the week you had no school. You totally could have stayed here and come to see an improv show. Except not this last one. That was miserable. OK. I think I'm going to lay in bed and force myself to sleep.

Warning: I mentioned before I was bored, so I may post eighteen times tonight. I also took a nap from 5-7, so I'm not tired. I've been reading Ben's live journal to pass the time, and I love him even more. We both have the "Once More With Feeling" soundtrack. Here is a quote that made me laugh out loud:

"I am so breaking out right now. Should I write this for all to see? Who cares? I have pimples and I am so sick and tired of them. I've taken Accutane twice. That means I should have clear skin or have committed suicide, and neither has happened, so I am cheated."

What the hell...one of my posts deleted itself. We'll see if it comes back. It was the update of my non-broken legkneefoot in case you're interested.

I have nothing to say. I'm bored tonight. Nancy and Bob are gone for the week and I am alone. I just talked with zha for 115 minutes until my phone died. Now I'm surfing the internet. The best part of that conversation was how we hung up. zha had just said something about liking having a really long talk.

"Well, I've got to plug it in before it dies."
"OK. Call me when it recharges."

I guess it's only funny if you'd been in the actual conversation. Re-writing it does not give off the same hilarity as it did when we were talking.

To all the people whose journals I read: Please write something. I am bored. (Except Ken. You wrote something. Thanks)

Crap.

I think I just broke my foot in two places and my leg in one.

Crap.

My stock is doing well again. It got way up there for no reason, then went down again as it should have. But now it's slowly climbing. It looks like my plan for it to be around $10/share by the end of the year is coming to fruition.

So, LA. I've really been struggling with that place lately. Lots of fear around it. Fear of the unknown. Fear of a new place. Fear of success and failure. Fear of getting older. Some of my friends--fellow actors I have immense respect for--are thinking about going out there together towards the end of the year. I still want to stay thru December, but recently I'd been putting my January move date off. See, I did a completely unexpected thing and fell in love with someone who I'd stay here for. Thing is, he doesn't feel the same. But it made me begin to question everything. Why am I moving, what do I really want, what am I supposed to do? And this past week sort of answered all of those questions. I went to an audition Tuesday but couldn't go to the call back Thursday because of a JesterZ show. And I was cast anyway. Then, of course, there was the call about that horror flick. Which never turned into anything, but again; I was noticed. I'm at a place in my life where I have no commitments, no real responsibilities. This is the perfect time to go. And I don't have to live there forever. I could go for the four months of pilot season and come back if nothing pans out. When I break it down and look at it in pieces, it's much less intimidating.

As for the boy...who knows? Maybe we'll end up together, maybe he'll be married to her next year. I'm not going to force the hand or stress about the future. Because either way, he's still going to remain one of the closest friends in my life. That's not going to change; and that's also what's most important. Someone I can completely be myself with and who doesn't judge or quantify me. He has opened my eyes to a whole new world out there, and I feel more grounded and real than ever before.

This is a huge new phase in my life. I'm finally letting go of who I used to be. Surrenduring myself and listening to what's out there. I've definitely stepped down the over-analysis bit. I used to think and plan out everything. Then I'd think about it some more until every angle was covered. I practically had my life in LA planned to the second. A life that I haven't lived that's still 6 months away. Can you believe it? I'm nuts. I still struggle with selfishness and ignore and sometimes directly defy what I know is right. But I'm growing and changing into a new person. I think if I wasn't going through this now, I would have suffocated and died in LA. I always thought I was strong. But now I feel stength. I actually can feel it. It's not in my head. Don't get me wrong, I'm still working on it, still growing and figuring stuff out. But I'm not stifling my Self anymore. I have tried for so long to be someone I wasn't. Seriously, almost my entire life in almost every relationship I've had. Not just romantic ones, but with my friends and family. To change and please, and I was miserable. But I had to experience that to figure me out. Which is finally happening. Because I'm listening. To everything.


I'm alive. For real. I'm alive.