Thursday, May 27, 2010

Several months ago I was hanging out with a friend. He brought a few beers over one night. It was that night that I realized my feelings for him had changed. Literally, the moment I opened the door and saw him standing there. Later in the evening, I saw a bottle cap from one of his beers. It had a phrase on the other side.

"Here Now"

That phrase has incredible significance to me. When I saw that cap, I thought, this is a moment I want to remember. This is a guy I want to be with. But does everything have to have significance? Can't this just be a bottle cap?

I think a reason it hit me so hard was because of the weight behind that phrase. It was something M and R used to say. We all adopted that phrase. Be here. Now. Be present in this moment in your life. Here. Now.

He called me as I was about to go in to a shift at Papa Johns.
"I need you."
"Are you okay?"
"I just walked home from the hospital."
"I'm on my way."

I had to call Worst Mistake and have him cover for me. I remember standing in my parents kitchen. Not knowing what had happened, but knowing it was bad. I remember the phone cord was really long. I went to his apartment. His door was unlocked. Open. I walked in. He was on his bed, which has always just been a mattress on the floor.

She'd had a seizure. I found out later that she'd been bulimic for years. She'd told him that night. She was in a coma in the hospital. They'd been at his apartment. He had to call 911. They walked him through basic life support until they could get there. It was Halloween. Her heart stopped twice. Once in the ambulance and once in the ER. They had to shock her. He watched it all. I can only imagine what that must've been like for him.

We went back to the hospital and pretty much stayed there for three days. I remember walking the long corridor to her room. We hated that walk. It was this weird honeycomb shaped hallway. Sort of sectioned off. We just wish it had been one long hallway. At one point, I took him out to eat. I can't remember where. Some chain like a Chilis, but it wasn't Chilis. He ordered food, then laid down in the booth and cried. Our waitress dropped our food off and looked at him and then at me.

"Please bring us a To Go box. I don't think we'll be eating here."
"If you don't mind my asking, what's wrong?"
"His girlfriend is in the ICU at Good Sam."
"Oh. My husband's best friend was there 8 months ago. Motorcycle accident. I really liked the layout. The way it curved like that. It gave you privacy. I hope your friend is okay." She wasn't.

Wow. I never realized that. It make the walk better. To see it from a different perspective. Our waitress smiled. Left the check, and went about her business. I looked at the name on the ticket. Angel.

On the way back to the hospital, I parked in the parking garage. I missed the first available spot b/c I wasn't paying attention. The second spot was slightly tight, and I just didn't want to bother with it. The third spot that was available was just right. And it was directly next to her car. Her parents had flown in from NY and were driving her car. Of all of the spots in this giant parking garage, the first one I took was next to hers.

See, I feel like I've been show certain things in my life. Running in to that waitress was no accident. Her name? I mean, come on. And the fact that she had a story about that particular ICU. A story which made it easier to walk down that horrible hallway.

A few years ago my dad had major heart surgery. We had to drop him off at the hospital the night before for lab work and prep. My sister and mom had gone off to get something to eat.

"I can't believe how strong you are at the moment. I need you to be strong for your mom and your sister."
"If they could see things the way I could, they would know there was nothing to worry about."

He'd been diagnosed with Marfan's Syndrom a few short months before. It was before the first snow fall. Before he ever had to shovel the driveway. Before they started moving into their new house: carrying boxes; going up and down basement stairs. So many things that could've killed him. They wouldn't have found it in time if he was just going to die on the operating room table. I knew that. I knew he would be okay.

Like I said, I can see things. Here Now has been a huge mantra in my life. To find it on a bottle cap about an hour after I realized I had feelings for someone was quite a shock. I hadn't thought about R in a long time. I hadn't thought about those three days. Was I reading more into that bottle cap that is there? Does it have to have significance? Why does everything have to mean something?

Because it does mean something.

To me.

Be here. Now. In this moment. Don't worry about what's behind you. Don't agonize over the future. Just breathe. Be present.


Post a Comment

<< Home