I am rebelling against the television. I used to watch tv and movies all the live long day. Not anymore. I should be cleaning my room/folding and ironing my clothes. But, alas, I am not. I also don't care one bit about fireworks. Bah humbug. So instead I'm reading. I started by reading the archives to this site. To remember who I was 10/01/01. Some of the memories made me laugh. Some made me cry. I'm a very different person now. I used to have the mouth of a sailor. That's much more tame now. Which I'm glad about. I forgot how many people died in such a short time. I forgot about certain fights with the folks and my old neighbors upstairs with their crazy habits. I remembered what it was like to live alone. I miss that sometimes. I miss not knowing anyone or caring about anything. I just went to work and came home. I know I've said it before, but sometimes I wish I could go through life like that. Go to work. Come home. Go to bed. Not interact with anyone. Not care.

I'm re-reading posts about Paul. And remembering the fun we had. Which kinda makes me sad.

I'm tired of loving. Sick of it. I quit. Officially. No more.

Just me and myself this whole week. I sort of don't even want to go to rehearsal. Reading the posts from 2001 makes me want to revert back to that person. Not go out or do anything. Ugh. This is depressing.

I'm sorry I wasn't a good friend to you this weekend. I'm sorry I borrowed your deodorant because now all I smell is you.

I'm sorry I disappoint everyone. I'm sorry I care. I'm sorry I want to be a better person. The person I was all those years ago...she just lived for the moment. She could go to parties and make out with people and never talk to them again. But now I want to be different. To be better. Grr...it was so much easier the other way. Even though I was lonely.