Friday, May 31, 2002

Hehe, I got the same.

You are Venom!

Take the "Which Marvel Comics Hero are you" quiz!

Nertoosha, read your comments to get the right picture.

There was the most violently beautiful storm on the way home from work tonight. The kind that made you wish you weren't driving. With thick cords of electricity leaving blue jags in my vision. And windshield wipers are virtually useless. It reminded me of a war between Greek Gods. Not that I have any in my immediate memory, but it made me think of Zeus and Achilles and all the rest. It was amazing.

My folks were watching a baseball game. I wonder how they're doing? I came over to play with the new kitty. Tigger, the 20 lb monster, is not so happy. She's actually very afraid of the new kitty (always said like Dr. Evil), who likes to attack my eyelashes. OK, New Kitty has a name. It's so cute. My mom works at a library, and there was a box with him in it when the women were coming in to work. "10 week old male kitty needs a good home." My mom volunteered to adopt him, and the ladies named him Dewey. It makes me giggle. Tosh, what was that movie with a nerd joke that I thought was hysterical? Something mathematical. Anyway, whenever Dewey is around Tigger, Tigger hisses and runs away. Wuss. I think I have a slight allergy to the cats, which makes me sad, 'cause I'd love to have one.

My eyes are itchy.

Thursday, May 30, 2002

I'm enjoying the new job. Some of the goals the company sets are rediculous, and I'm incredibly competitive, so it's been frustrating. But on the whole, I like it. And zha is at a job he likes. He's absolutely brilliant, and this place sounds like it's actually going to appreciate him and use his brains. Which makes me happy. And I can't wait to visit him!!! This weekend I'm shooting a scene for a student film--much excitement. I haven't done film in forever, so this is going to be great. Plus it's with a friend I graduated with--always good. And what is up with all these damn dating shows on the WB? "We're in a relationship and we're not sure if we should be together, so let's not only go on a date with someone else, but shall we also tape it so our significant other can see what we've gotten ourselves into?" I mean, how moronic do you have to be? The couples make fun of each other the entire show and say how much they hate each other, but in the end, they stay together. Oh well, not my life. I'm going to a baseball game, instead.

Monday, May 27, 2002

Sometimes reality can be so unbearably painful.

I think that's why my dreams are so vivid. So detailed. Episodic. Because if I could, I would choose not to live in reality. I would live in my dreams. Because there I am a movie star. A scientist. A medieval warrior. But my reality is a girl who works too much at something she's not going to do, and doesn't work at all to further her dreams. I was going to make a demo cd this week, but because my new job (which, actually, I do love. And if I didn't want to act, I could do this for the rest of my life) demands so much of my time, and I'm still at the camera store, my one day off last week (the first since the beginning of the month, I might add) was filled with errands I had to run.

And there's much irony to my last post. She was going to call me when she got in. That was Sunday night. And there was no call. But, like the John's Dad situation, I knew something was wrong. I just knew. So I waited. Until she called me Thursday night. Her grandmother had died. And you have no idea how close this woman is to her family. Her mother and grandmother are just about the most important things in her life. I almost erased the word "things" to replace with "people", but that would have been too exclusive. And her mom's sister had just died suddenly a couple of months ago. So I drove down there, not knowing what to do, wanting to make everything better, feeling completely helpless because I can't. So many things. And eventually the pain will fade. And eventually you'll be able to say things like, "The music sucked, of course." But for now, it will never end. And all I can do is be here. For whenever she needs me. I'll be here in the middle of the night if she gets sad and wants to talk. I'll be here if she just can't be strong for her mother any more. But she's a very private person and maybe she won't take my offer. But it will always stand.

Otto died. I saw him on the way to my parent's. And on the way home tonight, I killed a raccoon. I cried for a long time. It's the second animal I've ever hit. The first one, ironically, was an opossum. I was hysterical. Almost like I'd killed a human being. I took one of god's creatures off the earth. Not intentionally. There was nothing I could do. They both just ran out so fast. But I really felt like I committed a crime against god. I don't go to church. But I am very spiritual, I just never talk about it. Because it's not a Christian thing. I once had a friend tell me I should date a certain guy. "Why?" "Because you're both atheists." That was her logic. How illogical. First of all, that's no reason to date a person. Secondly, I may not believe in the god she does, I may not practice the way she does, but I have a very spiritual connection to a higher power. So, that frustrated me. Anyway, I was sad about Otto and very upset about my murder.

Tonight I saw "A Beautiful Mind" with my mother. And so many things I've tried to forget came back. Mr. Nash is a paranoid schizophrenic who was eventually hospitalized and given shock treatment. And his wife stayed with him the whole time. She stood by his side and made some really tough decisions. And I saw my parents. My mom has depression. When I was in the seventh grade, it was really bad. And she was hospitalized for a month. And almost had shock treatment. Her roommate did. She leaned over during that scene to tell me. And that's reality. That's something I've tried to forget for a long time. And my parents never knew how much that effected me until we were arguing a few years ago. And I don't remember what it was about, but I remember finally telling them how scared I was. How they would never understand what it was like to be in the seventh grade and hold your crying mother and tell her it's all right, we all love you, we would never want you dead. And she would want to die. And I dealt with that. And put it behind me. But watching this movie brought it back. We all survived. My father stood by her the entire time, and made some really tough decisions. And they got through it together. I want someone to love me like that. I love my parents very much, and have an incredibly amount of respect for them. But sometimes I want to live in my fantasy world. And not think about how scared I was. And angry. And confused. And no one will ever really know. Really understand. And that's okay. Because we deal and move on. We move on. Move. On.

But sometimes life can be so unbearably painful.

Monday, May 20, 2002

I think about death from time to time. Not in a bad way. It's just...well, sometimes when I'm driving my car on the highway, I wonder what it would be like to drive off the side of the road. Not because I'm depressed. I just wonder how I would feel if all of the sudden I was dead. And I came to some conclusions. It would be okay with me. Not that I want to die. I mean, I have a lot of stuff I'd like to do. Jump out of an airplane, star in an action movie, date a hobbit, put in a chest tube. And I would be sad that I would have missed all of those things. But I wouldn't be scared. See, the past few years have helped me realize something very important. Say what you think. I really love Tosha. She has become a very dear friend to me. And the other night, as I was going to bed and being thankful for all of the wonderful people in my life, I called her to tell her so. And of course there's zha. A man who just might always be a boy in my mind whom I love completely. And we both tell each other constantly how glad we are to be a part of each other's life. I'm so happy that no matter what has happened, and no matter what will be, that we will always remain friends. I know this in my soul. And my parents. Lately I've been able to spend more time with them. Which is good, because I'm really going to miss them when I move. I find myself paying people more compliments. Not out of politeness, but because I really mean it. And so, everyone in my life who is special to me, knows it. And I used to agonize over the letter I wrote to my first love, telling him how I felt, but also asking him not to respond. And to this day I'm glad I did it. Maybe it made him smile, knowing that somewhere far away a crazy girl thought he was cool. I get to be in two weddings this year. One, which was in April, was with the girl I used to watch Friends with every Thursday night as we ate a pint of ice cream (each). And I love her laughter. One, which will be in August, is with one of my oldest friends. She became a float in the 8th grade when she tripped on a chair. We played "tequila" on our saxophones wearing sombreros during the talent show. We roomed together at band camp and in college. We were bats and swans and exploding volcanoes. She will always make me laugh, and I miss her. As my friends and I move farther and farther apart on this continent, I still feel so close to everyone. Which gives me an incredible sense of peace. I love life. I don't want to die. But if, but some chance of nature I did, I have no regrets.

First day on the new job. Loved it. Went by fast, considering I was there for 10 1/2 hrs. Am thinking about quitting camera store job. Don't really need to be working 60 hrs/week unless I'm a doctor. Which, seeing as I seem to be the only one to believe I am, is not the case.

Tuesday, May 14, 2002

I wish all cars came with an intercom system. It would be handy when trying to politely inform the car in front of you that the speed limit is actual 45 when they're going 30. It would be handy when you want to honk at the car in front of the car in front of you. And especially, it would have come in handy today. I was driving down the highway, when at three separate times, semi-trucks honked at me and flashed their lights. Or maybe it was the car in front of me. I don't know. My engine could have been dragging behind me, but since these guys had no way of communicating with me, I just kept driving. Paraniod.

Monday, May 13, 2002

Saw Otto again tonight. This was the most interaction we've had. I was coming around a bend, when there he was. Waiting at the side of the road, starting to inch his way through the creeping fog. I headed towards the middle of the road--there were no other cars. Instead of running in front of my tires, he ran alongside my car. I went slow so he wouldn't get out of breath. I think if I'd opened the passenger's side door, he would have hopped on in.

You know your life is pathetic when you look for a suicidal opossum during your drives.

Sunday, May 12, 2002

I was jealous when you got Max. That was my favorite book as a kid. But then I took the quiz. Yea for me!!

which children's storybook character are you?

this quiz was made by colleen

Friday, May 10, 2002

Otto is doing well. However, his friend, Mr. Incredibly Stinky Skunk is not. I almost choked the majority of the way home tonight. I tell ya, the drive to and from my parents keeps getting more interesting each time. Why was I there tonight? Well, I took my mom shopping. Or rather, I drove, she paid for my stuff. Which was nice. The 17 yr. old shoe boy hit on me. But the shoe I wanted still did not fit. I bought my first three piece suit today! Which is kind of exciting. I wanted to be a lawyer when I was little because of the clothes. Now, when I see myself dressed up, it looks weird. Maybe it was the Christmas socks. As we're getting out of the car, my mom noticed all the bird poo on my car. I'm not even parking under trees! Good god. And I've taken another job with Tosha's entertainment company. My last day off was May 4, and my next day off (unless I become really masochistic and work for her again) is going to be May 25. That's a lot of work. Ah, hell.

This was short and random, so let us recap.

Dead + Skunk = Stinky
Mom + Shopping = Profitable
My Car + Bird Poo = Inevitable
Work + ohgodIcan'tthinkanymore...

Thursday, May 09, 2002

Sobbing. Uncontrollable sobbing. The kind where you can't catch your breath. The kind that can turn into hiccups. The kind where your eyes hurt when it's over, and you can barely keep them open. The kind that, when you're done, you should just go to sleep.

It's not like I knew him. It's not like he's a real person. But for some reason, I just couldn't stop. Maybe I thought about two of my oldest and closest friends who've lost their fathers. And how one was like a second dad to me. And how I helped the other cope. Maybe I'm terrified of losing my own.

You never know how you're going to die. Or when.

You just do.

I don't think the people above me ever sleep. They're always up and moving when I go to bed--sometimes as late as 1:30. And yet, by 7 am, they're in the shower or just generally dropping things and moving furniture.

Tuesday, May 07, 2002

Sometimes I'm glad I live alone. I just put up a post and turned my head to sneeze while I was typing, so my hand couldn't cover my mouth. And I now have snot hanging from my chin. Glad no one saw that. P.S. Tosh sometimes complains that she never hears my upstairs neighbor when she's over here. Well, today she heard them. When she came over before the movie, we were in my room--I was folding clothes and she was playing with playdo on my bed. Not making an absolute mess. I tell her to be quiet and listen. They're totally doin' it. And it's 8:30 in the evening. At least they're not waking me up in the middle of the night. But the squeeky bed was funny. When they were done, I said the guy usually gets up and goes to the bathroom. Which is exactly what he did. You could hear exactly where they were in the apartment. My next place of residence will definitely be a house.

What a most fabulous day! First of all, the women I'm in training with are the best ego boosters in the world. Two of them spent lunch today telling me how beautiful my eyes were and other incredibly nice things like that (which I won't get into 'cause it will sound incredibly egocentric, but you always feel good when someone compliments you). Then they were trying to think of any boys they knew who were young and available. One woman's son is a biochemist. Which is perfect, because I'm a trilingual doctor*! Then I'm on my drive home and a great song comes on the radio. As soon as it's done, I'm about to change stations when my very favorite song--1000 miles by Vanessa Carlton--comes on. So it's a good radio day. I take a nap before my date with Tosh, and in the middle of my nap, my trainer calls and says that I don't need to be in until 1 tomorrow afternoon. Sure, I can do that. Then I check my messages (p.s. this part is not part of my most fabulous day. It's a little detour). So, there's this guy I met at Mem's wedding who is very nice, but I would never date him. And we had a phone conversation a few weeks ago, and I was pretty sure that I made it clear that I wasn't interested. So he called me today. I hate to be a bitch and all, but I'm not going to call you back. Much busy-ness in my life and I don't have time to try to be charming on the phone with someone I have very little in common with. My next day off is two weeks from now--working every day. 14 hrs on Saturday. So it's not like I'm blowing you off. But I guess I kind of am. These are things I sort of wish I could say to him, but not really. I mean, how do you tell a perfectly nice guy "no"? By never returning his calls. So, back to my day. Tosh and I see Crossroads. Which is cheesy at points, but--mind you--only a buck fifty. So we laughed and talked the whole way through it. Only two other people were in the theatre, so it didn't really matter. And they only paid three bucks. Come on. And could there be any more gratuitous belly shots? (Said like Chandler Bing) I think a 15-yr-old hormonal male shot this movie. But, what the hell. If I had her body, I'd probably go grocery shopping in a bikini. So we had much fun at the movies, then got into the car and more good songs were on. This is the best radio day I've ever had. Not kidding. So we then head to Jim's Donuts. The best donuts in the world. And we make lots of noise but have a ball. And she took pictures. hehe. So not only was today faboo, but I get to sleep in tomorrow, which always rocks.

Oh, as for the kegger this weekend. As I thought, it sucked for me, so I left early. And Tosh, being the fabulous girlfriend that she is, decided to walk me to my car. This whole time, she's trying to get a hold of her little brother. I think he's like 20 or something. But he's not at the complex yet, and blahblahblah. So as we're walking up to the street, every 19 yr old we see is hitting on us. So we cross and there's a group of four boys on the other side. "Hey, ladies, you're goin' the wrong way." Tosha squints. "Clinton?!?" (pronounced, "Cli-in" with a glottal stop) Silence. Then, "Fuck. You guys, that's my sister!" So they cross the street and walk with us the rest of the way while we make fun of them. That was the best part. It almost made me want to go back to the party and hang out with them. Almost. Instead I went to another friend's who I haven't seen in a while, and we chatted for a few hours. And the next day, Tosh tells me Cli-in said, "Even though she's old, she's hot." Which also made my day. I don't mind being old to a college freshman if the hotness follows. So things are fun, even though I'm busy.

*We were singing loudly along with Ricky Martin in the car when I decided I could speak Spanish. And I said I was bilingual (plus I think I'm a doctor seeing as though I watch 11 hrs of ER a week). But Tosh pointed out that I know some ASL, which actually makes me TRI-lingual. I was much delighted by that discovery.

Monday, May 06, 2002

I think the opossum is now just toying with my mind. Three days ago I was on my way to my parents, and he scuttled across the road. I had to remind him that I would not aid him in death. Then tonight on my way home, he was there again. I picture Otto (that's his name, I've decided) waiting every night at the side of the road. Sometimes I don't visit my parents for three or four days (depending on the status of dishes (read the 5/5 post) and laundry), so he waits all night long. Sometimes not eating. Then when I do come, he readies himself, wiggles his butt, and darts out onto the road, only to be shunned by my humane-ness. No, Otto, no matter how hard you try, I will not kill you. So, please go home to your wife and kids.

Friday, May 03, 2002

I really miss zha right now. I've been missing him for a while. Went to the coffee shop last night and Martha and Zochae called me. I haven't heard from them since they left Ohio and took my baby. He now has two teeth, by the way. Anyway, I was going bowling with a group of people tonight, but it's May Daze and we're going to a keg party instead. And the only reason I'm going is to see Tosh. When she mentioned it was a keg party, it took every ounce of my being to decide to go. I mean, I should at least give it a try. But I'm not really a party person. I'd rather be at home with a few friends chatting. And that's what zha and I did. We would watch a movie or cook dinner and have a four hour conversation. I didn't realize how much I could miss someone. And I understand more now how Tosh feels. Her best friend is in LA. But in a few short months, they'll be together again. zha, on the other hand, is on the east coast--I'll just be moving farther away. I'm planning a visit in September, but I wish I could bring him back with me. I never expected I'd miss him so much. His laugh, his sense of humor, his brain. And I'd really like to play a game of chess.

Thursday, May 02, 2002

I didn't start crying until the scene with Carter and Gallant. I'm not sure if anyone noticed, but that exact scene--same script--happened seven years ago between Carter and Dr. Mark Greene. My throat didn't start hurting until the scene with Carter and the homeless man. I couldn't see the screen by next week's previews.

Wednesday, May 01, 2002

Have you ever been frightened so badly you've almost puked?

Today I came home from my newjobthatIlove!! and dropped my coat on the floor and turned on ER so I could practice being a doctor. I was settled on the couch when out of the corner of my eye I saw something on my upper arm. Perhaps you heard my scream. It was a grasshopper type thing the size of a peach. I blew it off and it landed a few feet away on the floor. I tried to shoo it outside, but it jumped like nine feet up into the air. Then it crawled inside my jacket. I got my broom, swept my jacket outside into the hallway, stood two steps above it and started poking it with the broom. The giant-huge-cricket was inside my sleeve. Taking up the whole thing. So I finally get it out of my jacket, but I refuse to get anywhere near it, so I have to straddle the entryway and open the door with my foot while balancing with my left arm and sweeping the cricket out into the cold night rain with my right arm. My right leg was in the air for counter-balance. I kind of wish I was one of my neighbors looking though the peep-hole. Afterwards I made my way to Kroger to buy a huge can of Raid. And some ice cream.

But I still kinda feel like I'm gonna puke.