Friday, February 28, 2003

My spinning instructer this morning was my third grade teacher. I threw up in her class.

Thursday, February 27, 2003

It has been announced that this is the last season of "Buffy". Entertainment Weekly, the magazine, will have an interview with the title character out soon. I am sad. This is also the last season for "Angel". Whatever will I watch?

Sunday, February 16, 2003

I had to dig my car out of the snow twice today. My dad has shoveled the driveway four times. Have I mentioned I hate winter?

Thursday, February 13, 2003

I remember this summer calling Tosh. He was in my bed, and I got up and took my phone outside and went for a walk. And called her at one in the morning. And I remember what I was afraid of. That this is the best thing that ever happened to me, but when it was my time to leave, he would stay. And my heart would break. Except this time, it wouldn't heal. And she listened to my insane ranting about wanting to protect myself, and not wanting to get hurt. And she told me to live each day at a time. And not to go back in there and wake him and break up over a fear of the possibility being hurt in the future. And I remember her saying that she wasn't going to be able to move in September, that maybe it would be January. And I said great, that I've found this perfect person and I want to spend as much time as possible with him before we leave. That I will just accept my broken heart and go forward from there. Except now time has passed and I love him more than I thought possible. And now I'm not moving to LA, I'm moving to Phoenix. And now he's coming with me. And the thought of us starting a life together is so exciting and wonderful and amazing. But tonight when we hung up the phone I wanted to call him back and break it off. Because I still have that fear. That he's not going to come. That something will happen between now and then and he'll stay. And my heart will shatter. I mean, we're way beyond brakeage at this point. And I will leave anyway, because there's nothing for me here. And it hurts too much to be in the same place. In my kitchen remembering how he hugs me when I cook. On my couch remembering how he playes the guitar. And this crazy thought of, just end it now, popped into my head. If I had done that six months ago, I would never have these perfect memories to look back on. His smile. His eyes. I never dreamed I'd feel this way. I mean, I've always wondered, but I had no idea. The impact. How deeply I could care for another person. How I want everything in his life to be perfect. How I would do anything for him. And I can't sleep because I feel that I'm pushing him away. Not on purpose. Just that my fears are manifesting themselves, and, I don't know. The last thing in the world I want is to lose him. But I feel that it's coming. Is it really better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all? I can't decide. I mean, the beauty and joy of that other person is amazing. But so is the depth of grief. So, if you're going to break my heart, please do it soon. And quickly. And I'm sorry. For being such a spaz.

I can't call her tonight. She's in a show.

Oh, and Happy Valentine's Day.

Sunday, February 09, 2003

"You're pretty optimistic. I guess that's good."
"What does that mean?"
"It means that sometimes it's good to be optimistic."
"What are you thinking right now?"
I give a short laugh. End of conversation.

Do you really want to know what I'm thinking? I'm remembering the drive to his apartment. Thinking, "Everything's fine. By the time we get to the hospital she'll be awake. I'm worrying for nothing. Everything will be fine." But she wasn't awake. And nothing was fine. And she died. That's what I was thinking.

Friday, February 07, 2003

Season Two.
Episode 17.

It was the music and the story and at the end, it took my breath away. I was numb.