I'm having issues. There's stuff going on that I've been thinking about for a while. Improv. I'm doing a lot of it. I'm in 3 troupes that perform regularly. Saturday I have 2 shows and hosting duties and a mini-rehearsal before one of the shows. Several Saturdays in February I have 3 shows booked. I feel like I have no time.

But do I just not manage it well? That's the million dollar question. And part of the truth is that I don't. But the other part of that truth is because I feel like I'm drowning. I'll take an hour to eat breakfast and watch one of my shows. I'll do the same at lunch. Let's take Mondays, for instance. I have to get 8 hours of work in before 7 so I can make it to rehearsal by 8. That should be easy. If I went into the office, I would be done working at 4. But because my schedule is so packed with rehearsals and shows and trying to make it to the gym, I'll take my time in the morning, mentally preparing myself for the full day ahead.

Today I have seriously been considering dropping one of my improv troupes. I'm definitely dropping Maestro after Saturday's show. So, that's only 2 troupes and a side project (Nugefield has its first performance in a couple of weeks. We have yet to rehearse). I've also been thinking about dropping Latchkey Kids. No matter what, I'm dropping all of my troupes two months before I move so I can focus on work and gym and just generally having fun. See, because that's definitely missing. I have so many shows and rehearsals that I feel like my life is all work. But isn't that how successful people do it? You don't hear Kelly Ripa complaining. She would get up at 4 in the morning to shoot with Regis, then rush over to the AMC set, then for a little while she had that sitcom. *And* she has a husband and children. People who are that level of success work their asses off.

That's my problem. That's always been my problem. A "B" in an honors class in high school was weighted as an "A". So why bother putting in any extra work? I graduated with a 3.8. It could have easily been higher if I'd applied myself. I sound like my folks. Not that they breathe down my neck, but I remember hearing that phrase several times in high school. I frustrated the buhjeesus out of my mom, who actually *did* work her ass off in high school and college. I think she was the salutatorian of her college class at Miami. That's a huge accomplishment. But I only did what was necessary to skate by.

Am I doing that now? If I drop LK and Maestro and only work on a side project or two and keep Semi-Awesomes, am I giving up? Should I just suck it up and do as much improv as I can? I mean, I love it. But 3 shows a night is exhausting. I want more fun in my life, but I feel like a slacker if I have any. There are plenty of people at iO who are doing tons more than I am. On the other hand, this is LA, and I'm only going to be here for a few more months. Is it wrong to want to spend more time with my friends? Faith isn't doing any side improv, other than classes, and she's having a ball out here. I have to admit, I'm a bit jealous.

I want to surf. The weather's getting warmer. Well, it never really got cold. But it's warmer in the mornings and at night than it has been in the past. Weekday mornings are the best time to go surfing. And that's not something I can easily do in Texas. I can immerse myself in the improv scene, but I won't be able to do much surfing unless I drive for a few hours to the Gulf. Which, I plan on doing at least once a year. So, if I drop all troupes but a side project and the Semi-Awesomes, will I really have more fun? Or will I just watch more tv and sleep in and not do anything? Because it feels like I'm not doing anything right now.

These are questions I'd like to pose to a therapist. To get a professional opinion. And maybe help with coping with what I have. And working on my time management skills. Or just seeing it from a different point of view. Problem is, I can't get one to call me back to make an appointment.

Blarg.

It all comes down to this cliche: Life is what you make of it. I could suck it up and buckle down and do all the improv and work and gym time and even make time for the beach. Or, I could drop my extracurriculars and still not end up doing anything more than I am now. I can't predict what the outcome will be. The difference is, this time, if I leave a troupe, I won't be coming back. I left SA for a few months b/c I was just doing too much, but I was able to come back. If I drop out now, I won't be coming back b/c I won't be sticking around. Plus, it's not fair to the teams. I suppose I'm just stuck with the thing that always keeps me stuck: making the "right" decision. I worry too much. What if my decision is wrong? What if that's not what I'm supposed to do? No one will die, Ashley. It's not the old blue wire or red wire. It's just dropping out of a troupe and maybe slowing down for a little bit and enjoying life. Seeing more shows at iO. Grabbing a drink with friends. Relaxing.

There is a cat in heat outside my bedroom window.

holy crap my armpits smell. i'm getting into the shower.

The Biggest Loser

This is only the second week, but it's my favorite season so far. The team is so unbelievably supportive of each other I could explode with happiness. My favorite girl is the Green team. She won the challenge. The first prize was immunity and a phone call home. She gave up her phone call b/c she thought someone with a family would benefit more.

The heaviest person to ever be on the show was the last up the mountain. His team came back and walked with him, holding his hand, pushing him from behind. They let him cross the finish line by himself.

My heart grew three sizes.

"Jillian's definitely the scariest, hardest person I've every had to deal with and that includes all of my past football coaches." -one of the dudes on the black team

This is posted to my Facebook b/c two of the people who tagged me for it are on Facebook. But for those of you who aren't on Facebook, here is my 25 Things Meme.

1. Although I joke about it, I’m incredibly self conscious of my holiday weight gain. Please don’t rub my belly or pinch my thighs. I’ll totally cry myself to sleep.

2. I judge people by the quality of their teeth.

3. I impulse spend on big things. A few years ago I impulse flew to New Orleans, to the tune of almost $1000. Last year I impulse bought my macbook a week after I purchased the Nikon D80—because I wanted a place to store my pictures.

4. I obsess about stupid things I’ve done. Over Labor Day Weekend I spent a couple of hours throwing up in Arthur’s back yard because I’m a winner. I’ve convinced myself that when I move to Austin, that’s what people will remember when they see me. Even the people I’ve know for years.

5. I have a full-on boner for Kristen Bell. She is the cutest thing to walk this planet. She’s incredibly funny and has a fantastic voice. If I meet her, I would give her a hug, thank her for existing, and leave her alone. I was PISSED when she was killed off Heroes. Someone give her a show, please, so I can adore.

6. I’ve watched too much Alias. I’m pretty sure that if cornered by a mugger I could disarm him and take him down. I would be wrong. In reality, I’d probably get shot.

7. If I hurt myself badly enough, I saw “ow” out loud like an android. I’m very clumsy (yesterday I dropped the laundry detergent outside our front door. It was a 30 foot fall to the ground). If you hear me knock into something, I’m totally fine unless I make a robot sound.

8. I stopped biting my nails when I was in my late teens—the same time OCD took over. OCD is the reason I stopped biting. I need my nails to be exactly the same length, and I can only get that by using a file.

9. I fall in love hard and fast. It is my Achilles Heel.

10. Remember the anti-smoking PSA add where Teen Boy walked across The Party to hit on Teen Girl then she lit a Cigarette and he got Sad Face and walked away? I completely relate to that. There's a boy I think is totally hot but when he goes outside to smoke, I get Sad Face. He's trying to quit now. If I find out he's super smart, that poor kid will have to pry me off with a rake and a restraining order. (See #22)

11. When I’m in an uncomfortable situation, I’ll try to be funny but end up being even more awkward. By trying to diffuse the situation, I only make it worse.

12. Every summer my parents sent me to a different camp-type situation. In the 5th grade it was financial classes for a week. I learned how to balance a checkbook and what compound interest on a credit card was. The summer before the 4th grade I went to Camp Emmanuel, which was for deaf kids. Two summers in a row I took classes at the Allwood Audubon Center. I learned all about fish and we went seining in the Miami River. I’m pretty sure if I ever get cancer, I can pinpoint it back to being in that water.

13. I’m adopted and have met my half brother and sister once, 12 years ago. In my head they are still 11 and 7. But Andrea now has a baby, and that’s weird for me. Because she’s only 11.

14. When I lived in OH, I went through a short period of time when I taped about 11 hours of ER a week. Combine that with the medical terminology training I’ve had and the op and ER reports I read on a daily basis for my job, and I believe I would score well on the MCATs. I would be wrong.

15. In high school I was voted Most Likely To Be A Talk Show Host.

16. Sometimes, if Faith and Drew are both out of town, I find myself talking as I make my food. I talk to my food like it’s a person and I’m gonna eat it. “Oh, man, turkey sandwich, you are gonna be so tastey!”

17. I am not a fan of clothes. Interpret that as you will. You will be correct.

18. I am an incredibly fast typer due to the fact that I took a typing class in high school (Which I think lasted an entire quarter. That was the class where I heard the OJ Simpson verdict.) and I have to write a lot of letters throughout the day. When I got my first job in AZ, I had to take a typing test. They were counting for speed and accuracy. If I misspelled a word, I would go back and make the correction, but I still typed more than 60 words/minute. I’m faster now. To give you an idea, an average professional typist reaches 50-70 wpm according to Wikipedia. An old boyfriend heard me typing once and called out “fake typing” because it sounded like I was just spasming my hands on the keyboard. Sometimes if I have a long letter to write and I’m going really fast, I’ll remember the “fake typing” and I’ll laugh.

19. I had tonsillitis so many times when I was a kid that by the time I finally had then removed my senior year, they were almost pure scar tissue (to this day my dad still apologizes for that). The surgeon asked if he could send them to a college to be studied. I said sure, I had no use for them. That’s when I decided to be an organ donor. When I’m dead, I’ll have no use for my body. Plus, it’ll be the one time I won’t be self conscious of people seeing me naked--no matter how old, fat, and wrinkly I am. Because I’ll be dead. People try to counter with the whole, well, what if someone violates you? To that I say, that corpse is not me. If my organs can save someone’s life or if my body can help a kid in med school then the potential of corpse rape is worth it.

20. I used to read a ton when I was a kid. Some of my favorite memories are my mom reading stories to me before I would go to bed. A Wrinkle In Time was my 5th grade year. I look forward to having children and reading to them. I already have some books picked out.

21. I love movies, but I’m really cheap (except when I’m #3ing). I’m very happy that AMC has $6.00 movies before noon on Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. I try to see a new movie every week.

22. I have reached the point in my life where brains are sexier to me than looks. If you are smart, you automatically get 10 points hotter. Related: I remember the Christmas I stopped wanting Legos and started wanting sensible things. Now, foreplay is walking through the kitchen appliance aisle at Bed Bath and Beyond.

23. I am pretty new to Facebook, and this is my first official note.

24. I did this exercise instead of working. That’s the bad part about working from home.

25. I did this exercise naked. That’s the good part about working from home.

Johnson&Johnson Daily Pore Cleanser with Microscrubbers effing KILLS when you rub it into your eye. Now half of me looks like a coked out crazy person.

Hopefully I will sweat it out in the spin class I'm about to take to get my ass under control.

There were several reasons why I didn't want to make out with Character Workshop Crush.

1. He vomited. Hilariously enough, in my mainstage LK show, I got a vomit kiss.
2. My shoe came untied as we were walking to my car and he wanted to tie it. As I was watching him fumble with my laces, it became glaringly apparent that I would be getting nothing out of this encounter.

and 3.


Now, sadly enough, #3 is the main reason: I have put on 15 holiday pounds and don't want anyone to see me. This is how girls think.

So, instead, he walked me to my car, which was parked very far away and I was glad to have someone to walk through Hollywood with, and I took him home. We also had a really fun conversation. I was wearing my Designated Driver button I got in OH, so, as I was driving away, it made me laugh to realize that I lived up to my button last night.

The majority of people haven't realized I've recently packed on 15 lbs. This is due to the fact that I've also gained weight in my boobs. Their eyes are too distracted to go far enough south to realize my ass it bigger, as well. Blessing in disguise?