Thursday, November 28, 2002

Abrupt. I like that word.

So many things. First, I'm finally doing a play. "The Memory of Water". Quite brilliant, actually. It's a serio-comedy--which means I finally get to be funny. Which makes my dad happy. I've been in depressing plays, or the bad guy for a while now. Thanks to Natasha for giving me the audition info. My character smokes pot and drinks the entire play. Not quite sure how to break that one to the parents. As for Thanksgiving, hope you all have a happy one. Mine started at 7:45 in the morning...I met my sister at the gym for a spinning class. Now, for those of you who've never heard of spinning, it's really intense. I'm too tired to write about it at this time, but basically it's the most effective calorie/fat burning work out in the world. And you sweat like nobody's business. The class was full. People were being turned away. And I thought, this is THANKSGIVING, go back to bed people!. But it was a good time. On a completely different note, I feel as though I'm retreating into myself again. I've had two really vivid dreams about the end of this relationship. And the dreams were so realistic that, well, the first time I was surprised to wake up next to him. I mean, I actually thought, didn't you just leave me? And as for the second one; I was surprised when he called my cell. Which makes me think of "The Matrix." What really is real? Have you ever had a memory, and not been able to determine if it was a dream. You think you remember something that actually happened to you, but maybe it didn't. Maybe you were remembering it wrong. The play touches on that a bit, and it just got my mind working. What is real?

Hope you eat lots of pie today!

Saturday, November 16, 2002

Thank you.

I needed to be reminded. I had forgotten. About what the woman who had lost her husband said. About what Ptoghyknoe said. And how Amy never spoke, she just hugged me and sobbed. About what my dad told me outside of Chili's. I had forgotten. On purpose? My self destructive mode was at a height at the end of the week. Then you called. And tears rolled down my face as we spoke. Just like they're doing now. I had given up. And maybe it hasn't changed. Maybe I'm kidding myself. But I'm going to try again. Just like I always do. But I'm getting older. And my life is changing. Even though it feels immoble. And I'll go on. And wake up tomorrow refreshed. Remembering why I wanted to do this in the first place. And not think about what everyone says when they hear my dreams. Because they're my dreams, dammit! Not yours. It's not for you to fail. It's for me to attempt. And if things don't work out exactly the way I planned, so what? Nothing ever does. I'm not the one in control here. And neither are you. Don't fool yourself into thinking you are. But I don't want to die today. I want to continue.

So. Thank you for being of The Reminding.

And thank you for your inspiration.

Sunday, November 10, 2002

I wished I was in Paul's family this weekend. Not that mine sucks. I love my family very much. It's just that...they're different. I went over there this morning to drop off a cd for his little sister, and his dad opened the door. "Gosh, it's a little early to be up and around." It was just past noon. In my family, if I wasn't up by noon on the weekends, my mom would come in and raise my shade and make me get up. And most of the time she wouldn't let me sleep that long. I mean, noon was stretching it. 10:30 was my usual wake up call. "You're wasting your day." But I have nothing else to do. His family just operates a little differently than mine. And it's hard for him to understand. He can come and go as he pleases. No big deal. He doesn't know that the reason I moved out was because I was asked to leave. He can't comprehend fights so bad you don't think you'll ever speak again. Because he's not been there. There are just certain ways you have to deal with my family. Tosha's seen it. And I'm sorry about that. But they're not bad people. That's just the way we interact.

Thursday, November 07, 2002

Finally. Two nights in a row of good sleep. Still a little tired, catching up from those first three days and all, but doing much better. The Boy took his brother to see it last night. I went to a Pilates class. Much fun. Today begins a little life-reoganization. It's been a hard past couple of days with some family stuff, which made me reflect on my own life and what-the-hell-am-I-doing. But I woke up today a little changed. Had some really good conversations with people last night. And am ready to start a new day.

Tuesday, November 05, 2002

Four hours. I slept for four hours last night and today I have to work open to close. This is not good.

Monday, November 04, 2002

OK. So this was an interesting weekend. Had an audition for a piece that, if I got, I wouldn't exactly want my parents to see it. Then went to gamble and lost $40 faster than you can put a twenty in a video poker machine. Then The Boy took me to see "The Ring". Now. I HATE scary movies. But, I was willing to give it a try, because the boy lives by the IMDB, and it got a great rating and was only PG-13. Yeah. I haven't slept in two days, and I'm not sure when I'm going to talk to him again. And, even though I watched the majority of the movie with my eyes closed and my ears plugged, I would recommend it. Not the typical Hollywood ending. Even though I didn't really see most of it. Just thought i should reiterate that.