My stock is doing well again. It got way up there for no reason, then went down again as it should have. But now it's slowly climbing. It looks like my plan for it to be around $10/share by the end of the year is coming to fruition.
So, LA. I've really been struggling with that place lately. Lots of fear around it. Fear of the unknown. Fear of a new place. Fear of success and failure. Fear of getting older. Some of my friends--fellow actors I have immense respect for--are thinking about going out there together towards the end of the year. I still want to stay thru December, but recently I'd been putting my January move date off. See, I did a completely unexpected thing and fell in love with someone who I'd stay here for. Thing is, he doesn't feel the same. But it made me begin to question everything. Why am I moving, what do I really want, what am I supposed to do? And this past week sort of answered all of those questions. I went to an audition Tuesday but couldn't go to the call back Thursday because of a JesterZ show. And I was cast anyway. Then, of course, there was the call about that horror flick. Which never turned into anything, but again; I was noticed. I'm at a place in my life where I have no commitments, no real responsibilities. This is the perfect time to go. And I don't have to live there forever. I could go for the four months of pilot season and come back if nothing pans out. When I break it down and look at it in pieces, it's much less intimidating.
As for the boy...who knows? Maybe we'll end up together, maybe he'll be married to her next year. I'm not going to force the hand or stress about the future. Because either way, he's still going to remain one of the closest friends in my life. That's not going to change; and that's also what's most important. Someone I can completely be myself with and who doesn't judge or quantify me. He has opened my eyes to a whole new world out there, and I feel more grounded and real than ever before.
This is a huge new phase in my life. I'm finally letting go of who I used to be. Surrenduring myself and listening to what's out there. I've definitely stepped down the over-analysis bit. I used to think and plan out everything. Then I'd think about it some more until every angle was covered. I practically had my life in LA planned to the second. A life that I haven't lived that's still 6 months away. Can you believe it? I'm nuts. I still struggle with selfishness and ignore and sometimes directly defy what I know is right. But I'm growing and changing into a new person. I think if I wasn't going through this now, I would have suffocated and died in LA. I always thought I was strong. But now I feel stength. I actually can feel it. It's not in my head. Don't get me wrong, I'm still working on it, still growing and figuring stuff out. But I'm not stifling my Self anymore. I have tried for so long to be someone I wasn't. Seriously, almost my entire life in almost every relationship I've had. Not just romantic ones, but with my friends and family. To change and please, and I was miserable. But I had to experience that to figure me out. Which is finally happening. Because I'm listening. To everything.
I'm alive. For real. I'm alive.
So, LA. I've really been struggling with that place lately. Lots of fear around it. Fear of the unknown. Fear of a new place. Fear of success and failure. Fear of getting older. Some of my friends--fellow actors I have immense respect for--are thinking about going out there together towards the end of the year. I still want to stay thru December, but recently I'd been putting my January move date off. See, I did a completely unexpected thing and fell in love with someone who I'd stay here for. Thing is, he doesn't feel the same. But it made me begin to question everything. Why am I moving, what do I really want, what am I supposed to do? And this past week sort of answered all of those questions. I went to an audition Tuesday but couldn't go to the call back Thursday because of a JesterZ show. And I was cast anyway. Then, of course, there was the call about that horror flick. Which never turned into anything, but again; I was noticed. I'm at a place in my life where I have no commitments, no real responsibilities. This is the perfect time to go. And I don't have to live there forever. I could go for the four months of pilot season and come back if nothing pans out. When I break it down and look at it in pieces, it's much less intimidating.
As for the boy...who knows? Maybe we'll end up together, maybe he'll be married to her next year. I'm not going to force the hand or stress about the future. Because either way, he's still going to remain one of the closest friends in my life. That's not going to change; and that's also what's most important. Someone I can completely be myself with and who doesn't judge or quantify me. He has opened my eyes to a whole new world out there, and I feel more grounded and real than ever before.
This is a huge new phase in my life. I'm finally letting go of who I used to be. Surrenduring myself and listening to what's out there. I've definitely stepped down the over-analysis bit. I used to think and plan out everything. Then I'd think about it some more until every angle was covered. I practically had my life in LA planned to the second. A life that I haven't lived that's still 6 months away. Can you believe it? I'm nuts. I still struggle with selfishness and ignore and sometimes directly defy what I know is right. But I'm growing and changing into a new person. I think if I wasn't going through this now, I would have suffocated and died in LA. I always thought I was strong. But now I feel stength. I actually can feel it. It's not in my head. Don't get me wrong, I'm still working on it, still growing and figuring stuff out. But I'm not stifling my Self anymore. I have tried for so long to be someone I wasn't. Seriously, almost my entire life in almost every relationship I've had. Not just romantic ones, but with my friends and family. To change and please, and I was miserable. But I had to experience that to figure me out. Which is finally happening. Because I'm listening. To everything.
I'm alive. For real. I'm alive.
posted by a c at
12:03 PM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home