This post falls under the category of "TMI". But it's been on my mind lately, so I'm gonna write about it. You've been warned.

At the end of this month--assuming I can hold out that long--I will celebrate my 2 year anniversary of self-imposed celibacy. This is no small feat. I love sex. I'm good at it. I haven't had a lot of partners, but I've had a lot of sex. Part of that is due to the fact that I was in two serious relationships that lasted almost 5 years combined.

I made the decision to stop when Foxy Boy moved back home. We'd had an on-again/off-again relationship that spanned nearly 7 years. We cared about each other very much, but he wasn't someone I could see myself with long term. He was never interested in marriage, and I couldn't really see myself married to him anyway. However, of the few guys I've slept with, he's the one with whom I was most sexually compatible. We both have big appetites.

But we weren't good for each other in many ways. I don't know how to explain it, but sometimes when we were on-again, it was dark. Like, there wasn't any emotion behind it. We were just fucking. That's not a place I want to visit again. I remember the first time we slept together after J and I broke up. I didn't want to be with Foxy Boy, I wanted to be with J. But he was house sitting and I went over there and there was a hot tub and alcohol and I was lonely. I cried quietly when we started. He didn't know. Then I shut down. I left the next morning feeling empty. That afternoon I went back to the house. We started sleeping together regularly after that, but for a while it was a hollow act. I just didn't care.

I remember one of the last nights we were together. He thought I was asleep and he whispered "I love you." That's kind of a big deal for this guy. He doesn't exactly say that a lot. So, it's not like there was nothing there. He was one of my best friends. We hung out quite a bit. I miss him terribly. But when he left in February of 2008, I decided that I would not have sex again unless I was in a serious relationship. Part of it is emotional, and part of it is my number. I remember the day I went from 5 to 6. I had to use two hands to count the number of guys I'd slept with. I felt completely slutty. So, I decided I wouldn't do more than 10. There was no way I would resort to my feet to keep tally. Some people think I'm dumb for thinking that and number doesn't really matter. Well, that's just the way I think.

Casually dating does not equal serious relationship. I don't want to sleep with every guy I date. However, when you reach a certain age, sex is expected. Pretty much immediately. There were times I had to turn guys down in the middle of a make out session. It shocked me how nonchalant their attitudes were. Well, your top is off, so let me grab a condom. Slow down there, buddy. Sorry, but this is not gonna happen. I was on the verge a couple of times, and would have caved had circumstances been different. Will and I hung out for a few weeks. We'd been friends prior, and he knew about my No Sex Policy. Then we dated for a bit. Things got pretty intense, and he was the one to stop it from going further. I was the one who kept pushing the boundaries. He was basically like, this was your idea and I'm going to honor that. It was frustrating in the moment, but the next day I was always thankful that he'd stopped.

Then there was Character Workshop Crush. The more we hooked up, the closer we got. And he certainly wasn't going to stop. I called him on my birthday last year. Birthday sex doesn't count, right? He was working and had to close that night. Another time I gave him a ride home b/c he was super drunk. He asked me to come over on our walk to my car. Dude was wasted, so although I said yes to avoid confrontation, I had no intention of going up. When we pulled up to his place, I didn't even look for a parking spot. He turned to me and said maybe this wasn't a good idea. I'm pretty sure he threw up as soon as he got inside.

There were a couple others, but those weren't hard to say no to. I didn't really know the guys. They were just random hook ups. And I didn't want to sleep with someone who was willing to sleep with basically a total stranger. Have some respect for yourself, said the girl with no clothes.

Anyway, there's been a new kink in my determination. There's a guy in Austin on whom I had a harmless crush, so I flirted thinking he would have no interest. I'm 8 years his senior. He's a kid. With no interest of having a relationship. We're on the same page with that one. If he was 30 and I was 38, that's a different story. But people in their early twenties should just enjoy life and not be too tied down. In my humble opinion. So, we got together a few times back around December. But then he was out of town and I was out of town and then injured, so I hadn't seen him for a while. We saw each other in passing, but last night was the first time we'd hung out in a social setting.

One of the reasons I don't drink that much is because I know I will throw my decision out the door. I don't want to have meaningless things in my life. And sleeping with a guy I have no intention of being in a relationship with is meaningless. I am more than my id. I can control my actions. It is a spiritual, moral, and practical choice. So, it frustrates me when I come close to giving that up. Why is intimacy that important? Why can't I just shut that part off until a guy comes along who actually wants to be with me? Aren't I worth that? Two years is a long time to be without something I would do every day if given the opportunity. And I wrestle with my decision. Why is it a big deal to me? *Is* this a big deal to me? Would I feel differently about myself if I slept with someone? A woman in her 30s is supposed to be at her sexual peak. I should take advantage of that. What would the consequences be? Do I just *think* I should feel a certain way and do or not do certain things? You only live once, so you should live a life you enjoy and do things you enjoy. It's all very confusing.

Last night, after an evening of drinking, I asked to go home with him. He offered to walk to our cars and think about it. If I'd pressed, he totally would've said yes. Instead, I said it's okay to say no. My feelings won't be hurt. There was a part of me that wanted to go home with him, but there was a part of me that obviously didn't. I mean, I've come this far. Why not keep going? Why not hit the two year mark? Or, at least wait for someone with whom I'm in a relationship. Or, at the very least, wait for someone who would go out with me a couple of times. This would be a purely sexual situation with no relationship behind it. I don't think I want that. But there's a part of me that's just like, oh stick it in already!

Because of last night, I've re-established contact. He knows I'm interested, and he knows what the outcome would be. If he calls, I'll go over. If he calls, I won't be able to say no. I hope he doesn't call.

...I hope he calls.

Birthday Shenanigans

So, I had a pretty fabulous birthday this year. Things had been a bit stressful, but everything is settling down.

Friday: Faith flew in Friday afternoon. I'd spent the morning cleaning and preparing for her arrival. I miss her a ton. It was hard to live with her at times, as I'm positive it was hard to live with me as well. But when it comes down to it, she's my best girlfriend, we've been through a lot over the past 4 years, and I miss the hell out of her. As soon as we got home from the airport, we got ready for drinks/dinner at Eastside Showroom, which is where Leah works. It was really great for Faith to meet some of my friends. We had a great time and were there for a few hours. People still wanted to hang out after, so I invited them over to watch Up. I've been working on scheduling a time for a Pixar party, and this seem as good of a time as any. People got to meet Professor Snugglebottoms. He did fine until Steve arrived. Then he went nuts with the growling and barking. I had Steve feed him a treat, which calmed him down for about 30 seconds. It wasn't until Steve laid down on the floor to watch the movie that The Professor calmed down. When the movie was over and Steve stood up, he started up with the barking and growling. I'm convinced it's the hair and the height.

Saturday: We had to be up early to head down to Embellish for some pampering. Lisa and Brammer had appointments as well. There were going to be a couple more, but due to work schedules and a festival, they had to drop out. (side note: my toes still look hot) Before we left, I punched "Embellish Austin" into Google to get their address. We arrived at the address on South Lamar at 10am. It was much farther south than I though. We couldn't find the place, so I called them. Oh, they're on NORTH Lamar. Google has the address wrong. I should've gone straight to the website. I get there about 20 minutes late, but they offered a mimosa, which I gladly accepted. This place is awesome, and I will be getting my pedicures there from now on.

After toes, Faith and I were heading up to The Steeping Room for lunch. Lisa came along. It is no secret that I adore Lisa Jackson. Faith is now in that fan club as well. We had an incredibly nice long leisurely lunch at an outside table. The past two years in LA, it poured rain on my birthday. I especially enjoyed the warm, sunny weather! My tea was excellent, and my Mediterranean Plate was amazing! I definitely want to go back there. It's a bit hard, as that place is expensive and none of my friends have any money. Anyway, we had such a great time just hanging out and talking. One of the things I discovered was that my voice mail wasn't working. I haven't had one single problem with Verizon since I moved to Austin, and the day of my birthday, the phones are jacked. I guess that was the trade off for having a sunny day.

I was already pooped from having to be up early and running around all morning, so Faith took The Professor on a jog while I laid down. I didn't really nap, but I did enjoy some quiet relaxation for about 45 minutes. We then got ready for my Stool Pigeon show that night and headed out to the theater. Matt called to wish me a happy birthday. The tone of his voice made it clear that he'd just gotten laid then smoked. I asked if he was coming to the show, and he said he didn't think so. But it was super nice that he'd called to say hi. Then, just before the show starts, Matt and his girlfriend show up. Seriously, that guy is top notch. I joke with him about the fact that I'm gonna clone a 10 year older version of him. I was a little disappointed at the turn out of friends at the SP show. We didn't have plans after, and I'd just thought that whoever was there, we would figure out something to do. Cortnie left right after her show. We probably missed her by 5 minutes. It sucked that she couldn't have stuck around to meet Faith. Whatever. I can't change anything. Also absent was Brian. I hadn't heard from him in more than a week. Considering we hung out about every other day at the beginning of the month, I was a surprised that I didn't even get a quick email. After the SP show, Liz and Steve took Faith and I out to Rio Rita for a slice of pizza and a drink. Faith's favorite people that weekend were Liz, Steve, and Lisa. We had a fun time hanging out, and I was glad they included us in their plans.

Sunday: Faith and I were up early yet again to hit Round Rock Donuts before heading up to the outlet mall. I missed the exit and we ended up driving an extra 10 minutes just to get turned around. There aren't a lot of exits that far north. The mall was supposed to open at 10am. We make it there at 10:02, and none of the stores are open. We needed to leave by 1pm to make it back to the Alamo to see Sherlock Holmes, so I was a bit stressed when we found out the mall changed it's hours in January to 11am on Sundays. We scouted the stores for a bit, then sat in Starbucks waiting for it to open.

I'd put on 15 lbs between Thanksgiving of 2008 and NYE. I managed to keep that weight on for all of 2009. My plan was to get a personal trainer at the beginning of January so I could be down a bit by my birthday and could enjoy shopping a little more. Unfortunately, due to my genius knee injury, I've been out of commission since December. Anyway, Faith was in the same boat--had gained weight and didn't really want to clothes show. This worked out well since our shopping time was cut down by an hour. She bought a Swarovski ring--the same one I have. Then we both got those Sketchers shoes that are supposed to tone your legs. Even if they only work a fraction better than regular tennis shoes, that's great as I'm now walking an hour a day with the dog. Also, they happen to be really comfortable and I needed new gym shoes anyhow. We split up at one point. Faith needed luggage and I needed a new bra. Bra shopping is hard for me b/c my boobs are so damn big. A couple of years ago, Faith went with me and finally understood the hell I go through. Stores rarely have my size, and when they do, it's nothing cute. I can never get matching sets. Well, since I'd put on some weight, I knew I'd be a bigger size. I figured I'd be a bigger band width, so I grabbed about 6 bras to try on. 3 in 36 and 3 in 38. Then the woman offered a free bra fitting. Sure thing. She told me I was between a 34 and 36, which I thought was impossible since a 36 has been feeling tight. Then she told me my cup size. I literally almost started to cry right in the middle of the fitting room. Instead of going up a band size like a *normal* human, my boobs decided to go up a cup size. An entire, freaking. Cup. SIZE. I text Tosha. I call Faith. She looks on the bright side and says, well, if you ever have kids, you now have maternity bras. Ohdeargod. I can't even imagine how giant my boobs would be if I got pregnant. I would probably be bedridden and unable to sit up. My poor spine. As I'm trying on the new, correct-sized bras (which are now feeling much more comfortable, dammit), I recommit to losing 30lbs. Over Christmas I'd mentioned to a friend that amount, and she was like, you don't have 30 pounds to lose. I jokingly said it was mostly boob. Turns out it wasn't so much of a joke. So, I suck it up and buy three bras at the outlet for less than I would spend on 1 bra at a normal department store. That's at least good. And I've been wearing them and they fit much better.

So, after we finish up our purchases, we head down to the Drafthouse. The movie was really good, the food was really good, and Faith liked the concept of being able to eat and view at the same time. We head back home to take The Professor on his walk. I think it's around 5pm. I haven't stopped since Friday, and I'm completely exhausted. On top of that, my knee is killing me from all of the walking. So, I decide to pull out of the Escape Hatch show that evening. We ended up watching Seabiscuit, which I really enjoyed. I got ready for bed, seeing as how Monday was *also* a big day. We needed to leave my place at 6:45am so I could get her to the airport and be back for my follow-up knee appointment. It sucked saying goodbye. She wasn't here long enough. We didn't really get to explore Austin. But it was so great to see her. Best birthday gift I could have asked for. Next visit, I won't try to cram 80 million things into 1 day.

It's been 24 hours and both the dog and I are still alive. I think my freaking out is done. This morning my dad, Faith, my mom, and Lindsay all called to check up on me. My dad and Faith are on Team Give Dog Back. My mom and Lindsay are on Team Keep Him. I'm gonna give it at least a week. I was able to stop him from pooping on my carpet and we went outside. Which was good. In the rain (which was not so good). He hates being dried off with a towel--growls and snaps--but he's doing fine with a rag. At the moment he's asleep on the couch. I let him out of his crate this morning, and we played for a bit, then he decided to nap. A lot of my guilt was centered around having to keep him crated at all times.

I was able to get a lot of work done today, and I am planning on doing more tonight. Lindsay has a dog, and she's had him since he was about 8 weeks. So, she knows all about the horrors of puppy training. And she reminded me that I rent; I don't own. She owns her condo and would get so mad when Sass would go inside. As long as he doesn't ruin my furniture, I will be able to move away from the dirty carpet. Although, I've decided to board him over night once a month so I can steam clean my carpets.

I'm much calmer now. Mainly due to talking about it all day, and hearing reassurances from my sister. Who knew?

Today is not getting much better. My dad called this morning to see how I was doing. Not that great. Both he and Faith said I should think about taking the dog back. I just feel like I'm being completely irresponsible about the whole thing. People take dogs back to shelters all the time because they didn't do enough research. Taking care of Baxter and Bridgette was so easy. But they were older and both fixed. I have to keep The Professor under constant supervision, or he'll mark.

I'm just really frustrated with myself. All of the reading I've done stresses research. Make sure you have a breed appropriate for you. Make sure you have an age appropriate for you. Make sure you have an energy level appropriate for you. Don't get a dog on impulse. I had all of this figured out. A corgi would suit me just fine. They're pretty sedentary, but enjoy walks. But I was having problems finding one in Austin. So I went to this meet'n'greet and fell in love with this chihuahua mix. And, on an impulse, adopted him. He's against everything I had planned for. He's a puppy. He's not fixed. He has way too much energy. He's not housebroken.

I have to keep him crated pretty much at all times. When he's out, even if he just peed outside, he'll mark in here. The only time I can work is if he's in his crate. He's doing great in there. He's napping and not whining. I just feel bad because all of the crate training literature I've read says you can't crate a dog all day and all night. But I can't let him out when I work or he goes crazy. And I can't let him out when I sleep or he'll pee everywhere. I had planned on going on an hour walk this morning and an hour walk this afternoon to help alleviate the energy pent up from being confined. Unfortunately, it's raining pretty hard. So I can't take him out. We can play inside, but that gets exhausting for me after 30 minutes.

On Tuesday I have a consultation at Taurus. I have a ton of questions, and I just have to make it through the next few days. They won't take dogs from shelters until they've been in your house for 3 weeks. But as soon as I can, I'm going to drop him off there at least once/week so he can be socialized and have some of that energy drained.

Mainly, I'm really mad at myself on the impulse decision to get this pup. If I'd just put more time and effort into finding a corgi, things would be different. But I'm not gonna give up after just a few hours. If, at the end of the consultation, it turns out this is not a good match, I'll deal with the next step. But I'm really overwhelmed at the moment.

First meltdown of 2010

I have been super stressed out the past week. Last Wednesday I dogsat for a friend who was moving. She also has a cat who was at a different house. There were improvisers coming in from out of town. I originally said I could house two. Then I got the dog and said use me as a last resort. Well, the Cat Girl can't have pets at her apartment, and the cat talked a lot, so the land lord found out, so she came over to my place with the cat on her lunch break on Friday. The cat hates the carry case, so it peed all over itself, then on my carpet. We finally got the cat in the bathroom, and I told Liz to get back to work. Cat got cleaned. Cortnie came over to pick up dog that night b/c she didn't want both animals at the same place. Then I get a call asking to host 2 of the TwinProv people, b/c one more ended up coming down (4 total). I said sure, but I'm catsitting, so if anyone is allergic to cats, no can do. I was secretly hoping they were all deathly allergic. Nope. Friday night: 2 people, one cat that meowed ALL THE TIME.

Saturday morning the other 2 TwinProv people came over b/c the place they were staying had a pipe burst so there was no water. And the heat went out in the middle of the night. They came here to shower/get ready/warm up. I didn't work that day. Saturday night, all 4 plus said cat slept in my tiny 1 br. The next morning, they took me out to breakfast, which was super nice of them. They really weren't any trouble at all, but I just wanted to get some work done this weekend, which I didn't. The cat finally left Monday night. I adopted a dog. I spent all of my free time cleaning my apartment and getting ready. And not working. HUGE guilt about this. I didn't work for an entire week after my fall. I told Marlynn, my manager, that I would processes 300-350 claims/week starting in January. I have not done close to that, and we're half-way through the month. This week I did 200 claims. Next week, I really need to bust my bum.

Also, I like a boy I have no business liking. He has a girlfriend, they're fabulous together, and they clearly adore each other. But it's been hard lately to see them together. And I can't do anything about it. I just have to wait for me to stop liking him. So that's been making me kinda sad as of late.

Today I picked up the dog. They didn't have the papers ready, which means I can't get him fixed yet. He NEEDS to be fixed. Like, ASAP. So, I bring him home with plenty of time before my show tonight. We go on a 40 minute walk, which doesn't really wear him down. Then I introduce him to my apartment. He marks my bathroom. I clean it up. I introduce him to his crate. He's fine with the getting in part. I hop in the shower to get ready. He whines the whole time. The Humane Society woman told me he *never* overturns his water and food. I get out of the shower and both are turned over. Now I'm pressed for time. I let him out and he goes to the door. At first I think he's marking it, so I go over to stop him. But no, he's peeing a nice big puddle. Luckily, he was kind enough to do it on the fake hardwood floor and not the carpet. Much easier to clean up. All of the dog books say take the dog out immediately. I thought he would be fine since it had only been a couple of hours. It's totally my fault he peed inside.

So, I'm standing in my living room, in a robe, literally torn between what to do. I need to clean his crate out; I need to clean the pee up; I need to get ready for my show. I'm completely overwhelmed and pacing trying to figure out where to begin when I accept the fact that I will not be performing tonight. I have to call the director 2.5 hours before the show starts and tell him I can't make it. I am *not* like this at all. I do not bail on shows. But there was no way I would make it through the show without crying. So I call and leave a message, holding back tears, hoping he can't tell I'm a big baby.

As soon as I get off the phone, I put the dog back in the cage with water and food and sit down on my couch and call Faith. I ball my eyes out to her over everything. The stress of the animal-sitting. The stress of 4 people in my apartment, the stress of the dog, the sadness of yet another unrequited crush. After the crying, I put on sweats and take the dog outside for an hour walk, to try to wear him down more. My parents call, and I end up crying on the phone with them. I don't cry often, but man, when I do...

We come back and I play with him for about 2 hours. I've found I can shut him in the bathroom pretty successfully. I did that while I cleaned out his crate. He likes his bed, so I was able to put that in the crate, which is where he is now. I know today was a big day for him. It'll take a while for him to get settled in. It'll take even longer for him to stop marking b/c he's not fixed. Even though it's only a little after 9pm, I'm going to bed. I have to get up at 5:30 to take him out to pee, then for a short walk. I need to work, so unfortunately he's gonna have to stay in his crate or in the bathroom. I'm more inclined to keep him in the crate, knowing that he won't pee in there. But he whined in there and he didn't whine in the bathroom.

So, my plan for tomorrow is a 20 minute walk in the early morning, then breakfast and crating him for 3 hours while I work. Then an hour walk in the late morning, followed by some playing in the house. Then crating him for another 3 hours. Then an hour walk in the evening after dinner. We'll try free play around the apartment for a while. I just have to constantly follow him to make sure he isn't marking anything. I'm really frustrated that the paperwork wasn't ready for me. I really want to get him into a vet. But, I just gotta work with what I have.

Deep breath.

It will be okay.

Holy cats, Biggest Loser! I don't know if it's just that I'm in a weird emotional place or what, but that first episode was brutal. I mean, I *knew* there would be a twist with the people going home, but they were SO SAD! And they had to drag that mom off the bike--she didn't want to stop! My favorite so far is Mike from Chicago. Put an Italian man in front of me who has self esteem issues but isn't ashamed to talk about them, and I melt. LOVE this show!

People for whom I have a ton of improv respect are seeking me out to coach them. This is pretty bad ass.

FIRST POST OF 2010

Kinda wish I had earth shattering realizations to throw at your cerebral cortex. Nope. Had my appointment with the knee specialist and he's 99% sure I won't need surgery. I can't straighten my leg completely, so we have a follow up in 2 weeks. If I STILL can't straighten it then, we'll do an MRI to see if anything is torn and thus preventing my leg from straightening. But he doesn't think that'll be the case. Time heals all wounds. Even the stupid, self-imposed ones by people who have NO BUSINESS on rollerblades.

I'm cuddling up to Austin Improv. Escape Hatch has shows on Sundays in January. I'm TAing Level 2 with Ratliff and working with him Wednesdays at a high school. I get to be the Stool Pigeon on my birthday, so I will tell birthday-related stories. Faith will be in town that weekend, and I CAN'T WAIT! We're going shopping and having tea and she'll get to meet all of the people I talk about all the time. This Saturday I'm going to look at dogs, so hopefully I'll have one before she gets here. Oh, and Faith decided to stop drinking. We'll see if that extends to birthday weekends.

Next week I'm going to start doing light cardio as per OKd by the knee guy. I'm basically waiting for my rib to get better before I start with the personal training. Currently, I am still crying out in pain every time I sneeze. Literally. That action hurts like a monster. I'm anxious to start training with Jenny again. She was amazing! Plus, I'm supposed to do a photoshoot with Michelle in April, and I need to look decent for that. Mainly, I just want to be healthy. I'm starting 2010 at the heaviest I've been since That One Time In College. I'd like to end this year in the shape I was That Other Time In College--when my legs looked like they belonged on a ice skater.

The day after I fell, Cortnie, Steve, Matt, and Brian all came up to my place to hang out since I was an invalid. That was Christmas Eve, and I can't even express how much that meant to me. I had been feeling pretty sorry for myself--first ever Christmas without family in my life, in massive amounts of pain, blahblahblah--but I didn't want to be a bother and see what everyone was up to. I figured Steve might hang out with his lady, Cortnie and I had already texted that day and I didn't want to bug her again, Brian has no phone. So that left Matt. His gf is out of state, so I knew he would be by himself that night. I was literally *just* wondering what he was doing, thinking it would be too late to call, when my phone rang. It was Matt. Cornie had told the boys my genius move, so they made the trip up. It was beyond great. They also came over Christmas Day around 5pm. My rib hurt a TON, even with narcotics, but I can't remember a time I've laughed more.

I decided a few months ago that Brian would be my closest guy friend in Austin. He joins the ranks of Ben in Cali and Jose in PHX. His girlfriend is Sandra, who became my own personal hero after singing backup for Fred at the ColdTowne Office Party. Seriously, I love that girl. His good taste in women makes me like him even more. We've been hanging out a decent amount partly b/c of my fall and partly b/c he has nothing better to do since Sandra is out of town. But she returns this weekend and I have to give him back. Sometimes it sucks being the only single person in your group of friends. Matt's gf is out of state, but she's moving to Austin this month. I can't remember a time I've been friends with this many couples.

And it made me think of when Ben started dating Celeste. Again, another girl I love, and am super glad they are together still! But we used to hang out all the time. iO and Sunday morning movies and Biggest Loser and Lost and walks and ice cream and yelling at people in traffic and gym time. Although I was thrilled he found someone who made (and still makes) him happy (because I LOVE that guy!), I also missed my friend. That's kinda Brian on a smaller scale. Ben and I had been hanging out solidly for almost a year. Brian and I have been giving each other crap for several months, but really only started hanging out the past couple of weeks. I'm just being stupid and selfish, but come on! There is NO ONE better to watch Jersey Shore with than an actual person *from* New Jersey.

Trust.

I'm sick. Nothing big--just another cold. Slight fever. Didn't really sleep last night due to the fever. I'm dog-sitting for a friend, and since I was sick, I couldn't take the dog out on the hour walk I've been doing the past couple of days. So, I thought I would strap on my roller blades. That way I wouldn't have to expend much energy and the dog would get tired quickly. Well, there were several things flawed with my plan.

First and foremost, I haven't put my blades on in well over 2 years. In fact, I can't actually remember the last time they were on. Secondly, I wasn't really that great in the first place. On top of that, the last time I roller bladed, I was in much better shape. Oh, and I should mention my apartment complex has wicked speed bumps.

So, I walk the dog down the two flights of stairs and sit to put the blades on. There's a short sidewalk with an incline to the parking lot. I immediately fall down that incline and scrape the skin off my left forearm, do something horrendous to my rib (probably pulled an intercostal muscle), and smashed the crap out of my left butt cheek. If I was a bruiser, it would be bad. Well, instead of being smart and going immediately back upstairs to trade out for a pair of gym shoes, I decide to push forward. Because I am an idiot.

We go around the parking lot one time. It goes well. There's a bit of a hill, but the way the speed bumps are placed, I'm able to maneuver around them. Then we head out of the complex for Baxter to poop. Success! We come back in so I can throw it away, and I decide we should stick with the lot instead of going out on the main road. Here's where the horrible idea kicks in. I thought I would try going the opposite way, this time. Unfortunately, the hill on this side is steeper (we were going up it the last time, which wasn't bad). I'm going really fast and can't slow down and am trying to figure out what the hell to do with the speed bump that is fast approaching. Speed bump wins. I fall again. Harder. This time my knee twists the opposite way of my foot. This worries me because I have terrible knees. I scrape even more of my left forearm skin off. I land on my left butt cheek again. I do more damage to my rib situation.

It is at this point that I decide to stop being stupid, so I limp/crawl over to the sidewalk and take of my skates. Poor Baxter is not ready to go in, but I'm 90% sure I've now managed to fracture my rib. I get mail and hobble inside. My knee isn't as bad as I was first worried. It's the rib that's the problem. I'll probably give it a day or two. If it's still hurting, I'll go to an urgent care. I was already bummed that I was sick so close to Christmas. My gift to myself was to pile injuries on top of that!

Ugh.

I've always known I was adopted. It was never a secret or anything. I know I've written about it here before. When I moved to a new school in the 3rd grade, I met another girl who was adopted...and had almost the exact same situation. We both had younger sisters (who were also in the same grade and I think even born in the same month), and those sisters were the natural children of our adoptive parents. The difference between R and I was that she had no desire to find her birth parents. We would occasionally talk about our adoption, but I was intensely curious about my heritage where she was not.

We were close friends in middle school. Sweet Vally Twins books were really popular at the time, and there was very much a "Unicorn Club" in our lunch room, headed up by M. R was definitely my best friend in that group. I remember sleep overs and birthday parties. My 11th birthday cake even had a unicorn on it. I had permed hair. Anyway, I remember one lunch situation in particular. There was a disabled girl at our school--I can't quite remember but I think she had MS. She had a walker, but also got around in a motorized wheel chair. By the 8th grade, she only had the chair. For lunch, though, she needed someone to eat with her, take her to the bathroom after, and help her get to class. Teachers picked a student to sit with her on a four week rotation. I was asked. I didn't know how to tell my usual lunch crowd, so I said, "I need a change in friends" like a tactless prat and went to sit with A. I don't know why I didn't tell them why I was moving. I mean, I don't think it was a secret or anything. But I was in the 5th grade and an idiot and uncomfortable in that situation. To this day, the dumbest things come out of my mouth when I'm uncomfortable.

So, I sat with A and a few others who would stray to that table. She was very sweet, and I felt horrible that she couldn't get around on her own. I enjoyed my time there. But when my obligation was up, I went back to my usual table. As soon as I sat down my first lunch back, M and the other girls stood up. M said, "We need a change in friends." The entire table left me there alone and went to a different empty table. R didn't stand up right away. She just looked at me apologetically then sat at the new table. Even at that time I knew it would've been social suicide if she'd stayed, and I was just grateful that she didn't hate me. We still played together after school. It never affected our friendship. I found another group to sit with. I still had friends.

Then high school reordered everything, as high school tends to do. I was in the band. This meant summer rehearsals (yes, band camp), after school rehearsals, Friday night football games and Saturday competitions. I also did plays when I was cast. R and I lost touch. We were always friendly with each other, but we never were as close as we'd been when we were younger. I couldn't even tell you if she played sports in school or where she went to college or what she studied. It's been years since we've talked.

The summer after graduation, I met my birth family. I *think* I remember telling R about it, but it happened so long ago that I'm not sure. We had a mutual friend in K, so she may have filled R in on the goings-on of my life. We became facebook friends in the past year, but never really got back in touch with each other. Just a friendly hello when we were friended, but nothing after that.

Until last week. She sent me a long note.

Her birth parents had contacted her adoptive parents and they wanted to meet her. She wanted to know what it was like for me, how it went, and any advice I had. It took me a while to write back to her, because I wanted to really give it some thought. The note I sent back was pretty long. I went over the details from when I met Johnny and Debbie, not remembering if she already knew them. I told her how our relationships have grown and changed over the past 13 years. How we still keep in touch, but not nearly as much as in the beginning. It was flattering that she thought of me and sought out my experience. I can only imagine what this might be like for her. She's included me in a couple of mass updates on the situation. They did meet. It went well. She's flying out to visit them soon. She now has half brothers and sisters and an entire new branch of people to get to know.

I remember very vividly the January afternoon I came home from school. My mom and I had tickets to see a play that night, and I was running late from whatever activity I had. She was on the phone when I walked in the kitchen with this funny look on her face.

"You need to take this call" was all she said as she handed me the phone. She left the kitchen to hang her coat back up in the closet. We would not be attending a play that night.

"Hello?" There was silence on the other end, and I could hear muffled tears. I knew immediately who this was.

"Ashley?" She was so very quiet.

"Debbie?"

"Yes."

"Wow. Hi. Nice to meet you."

I've been up for 2 hours. I need to be working. Instead? Going through old pics on my flickr account and missing the crap out of my friends. Although I wasn't a fan of LA proper, I knew some amazing people. Austin is great, but it's still really lonely at times. It's an adjustment to live by myself again. I haven't lived alone in almost 7 years.

I went through birthday photos and iO photos. I remembered the overflowing amounts of fun that was had. I remember laughing so hard at the Lonely Drew set that it was hard to take the pictures. I miss going to the beach with Buol and Sunday morning movies with Ben and dessert with Stef and amazing seats at Dodgers games with Jil and laughing with Jenn and plopping on Faith's bed whenever I was bored or singing in our cars at the tops of our lungs. I miss shows and parties at iO. I miss performing with T&A and Nugefield.

Sometimes I feel like there's a hole in my heart and it's overwhelming. I'm definitely more social in Austin, now that I'm all settled in. But it's just different. It's not familiar yet. I'm still learning where everything is and how to get around. I can't remember what it was like when I first moved to LA. I'm sure it was the same. My least favorite part about moving is having to learn everything all over again. I specifically remember a day when I was driving my usual route home from iO in the middle of the night. I smiled and looked around and thought, "This is my neighborhood. This is where I live." That was after a year of living there. I've only been in ATX for a little over 4 months. It's not home yet. It's definitely becoming home, but I'm such an instant gratification person and I'm having a hard time being patient. But Austin has fun picnic table conversations and late night food after shows and hanging out at the theater putting up Christmas decorations.

At the Oh, Science! debut on Sunday, I was filled with so much love for the Austin improv community. After their first show, the troupe sat on the stage and everyone gave speeches and they got presents and people said such fantastic things. *That's* what drew me to Austin. *That's* the reason I moved here. And I've been doing decent work in the shows I've had. So, in many ways, I'm completely fulfilled. It's just easy to forget that stuff when you wake up to a cold, silent apartment. When you can hear life above and below you, but in your room there is darkness and quiet.

I guess I'm realizing the hardest part is being alone. I'm such a physical contact person. Living with Faith and Drew...there was always a hug or conversation whenever you wanted one. Faith and I would watch TV on the green loveseat and share a blanket. Sometimes we would read together in her bed. Just being around another person is great. I thought I would love living alone. And I do...to an extent. But working from home and not having a roommate leads to isolation. I look forward to rehearsals and shows and hanging out time much more than a normal person.

Ugh. Today I am sad. If you see me, please give me a hug.

nightmare

I woke up at 1 in the morning from a nightmare and didn't want to go back to sleep. I put a post up on facebook, and Faith immediately called me. It was only 11 in LA, and she happened to be online. I was so glad. We talked for about an hour, and I was finally able to go back to sleep.

Here's what I can remember:

I was kidnapped by someone I knew in high school. I can't remember who, exactly, but it was a female. She was holding me hostage in a hotel room. She would drain my blood slowly into syringes until I could almost not survive. Then she put some sort of drug in me that made me really dizzy and unable to control myself. Like being super drunk. She laid me down and started removing long strips of my forearms. The strips varied in depth. Some were just the top layer of skin. Some included the muscle and went all the way down to the bone.

Since we were still in high school, she would actually go to school in the mornings and torture me when she got home until it was time for bed. Her father would stay with me during the day to make sure I didn't escape. One day, I was going to the bathroom and I shoved an empty McDonalds bag into the toilet. I was wearing a jumpsuit and was putting it back on when he walked in. I asked him if he even cared what his daughter was doing. I was crying, and it was hard to hold my head up b/c of the loss of blood and drugs. He shrugged and folded his newspaper and said there were perks. She bought him new clothes. I remember he was wearing a wife beater and had 3 day salt-and-pepper stubble and greasy hair. He smelled. But he had an entire wardrobe of beautiful suits that he would wear when he wasn't guarding a hostage.

She would let the others free when she tired of them, but not me. I knew her. And I knew she would kill me when she was done. I flushed the toilet and the McDonalds bag backed everything up. Sewage spilled over the side and all over my legs. The floors were flooded. Just then, she came back. She was furious about the mess.

"Well, we'll just have to clean this up. It has to be done right."

She was really anal retentive, and we spent the entire afternoon cleaning the bathroom. She let me take a shower b/c she would have to take me with her to school the next day. But I wasn't allowed to tell anyone where I had been or what she was doing. My arms had healed. That was part of the thing--she would cut these huge chunks out of my arm. Sometimes she would eat them. Sometimes she would sew them back on. But every morning when I woke up, my arms would be whole again.

We went to school. There were people from all different parts of my life in this one classroom. A boy sat behind me. I forget who, but he was my best friend in the dream. I was trying to tap out my story in MORSE code on his jeans, but I didn't know MORSE code. I was really weak from the lack of blood, but she hadn't drugged me up, so I could function a little better. People just thought I was buzzed b/c I was slurring my words. They all looked down on me.

We had some sort of field trip where we were all on this bridge. People were gathered some other place, so it was just me, my torture girl, and Kanye West, who she decided she didn't like. So she roundhouse kicked him off the bridge into the water below. I ran to the side and looked over. I could see his body in the brown water below. This was my chance to escape. A few people had seen her do it. She would be punished! People started rushing back to the bridge area to attack her. Cyndi Gile was crying b/c she was a big Kanye fan and thought he was dead. As his body floated to the surface, he turned over and was holding a gold ball the size of a basketball and smiling. He was alive. Then he started laughing and swimming around and playing with a seal that had randomly shown up. Everyone immediately forgot about the fact that Torture Girl had killed a man (even though he turned out to be immortal. stupid kanye) and started freaking out about how he couldn't die.

That's when I ran into Matt Millard. He was one of my best friends when I was a kid, and I haven't seen him since he moved away in the 6th grade. I thought if I could just see him, he would know what was going on and would rescue me. He was saying hello to everyone but me. I followed him around in my haze and was finally able to catch up with him. "Hey, Matt, it's me." "Yeah, I know. I already said hi to you." "No you didn't." "Oh. Sorry. You got fat. I didn't recognize you." He walked away.

Everyone was then herded back into the classroom. This was my last chance. I knew that if I went home with her tonight, she would kill me. Shea Scott walked by with an envelope. "Do you think I can make it to the office, or is it going to be too busy with the busses?" I couldn't answer him b/c I was forced back into the room. I passed Jeff Watson, who was already sitting down. He said something that I heard as "Hey, sexy." *If you know Jeff Watson at all, you would know he would NEVER address a female in this manner* I looked at him, eyes popping out of my head. "WHAT?!!?" "I said heysouson." *Which, in my dream, was something in French. At the time I knew what it meant, but I can't remember now* For a moment I thought Jeff would figure it out and I would live. Then torture girl caught my eye and I sat down. I was exhausted from all of the walking around, and terrified of what was to come.

That's when I woke up.

A Post For You!

So, a couple of people have mentioned my blog has been dormant lately. Here is an update. Instead of work. Because that's what I *should* be doing.

July 13 was my last post. I have since moved half way across the country. This was a huge deal for me. I've had two other major moves in my life. One from OH to PHX, and one from PHX to CA. But both of those moves were with another person. Paul and I moved to Arizona together, and Faith and I moved to California. So, I had someone else in the house. Someone who was obligated to hang out with me. This time, though, I'm on my own.

I didn't move to Austin in a bubble. I know a lot of the improvisers out here. That's actually the reason I moved here. I remember staying up all night with Jose at Out of Bounds 4 Augusts ago. We sat by Arthur's pool and laughed and talked for hours. I remember thinking, this is where I want to end up. This is the community I want to be a part of. And I am. ColdTowne has welcomed me with open arms. I am forever grateful to those boys. The three of them helped me unload my Uhaul in the rain. A couple of weeks later they asked me to coach The Draft (one student from each level and an alum or two). I'm TAing this session, coaching two cagematch teams, and coaching the Draft again. I got to sub at CT's conservatory a couple of Saturdays ago and teach an intro to deconstruction. Today I subbed for Arthur at a school, and I'll be working with high schoolers more in the future. Things are going incredibly well on the improv front.

But there is definitely an aloneness to it all. I don't work in an office-I work from home. So I spend the majority of my days by myself. Sometimes it's hard to get out of bed, knowing I won't be leaving my apartment the entire day. But I'm trying to hit the gym a lot. That helps break up my day. And I go to the theater. Sunday nights is Bad Movie Night. Thursdays I've been there for the Draft. I'll be there for cagematch on Saturday, and there are several troupes I still haven't seen. I'm meeting more improvisers each time I go out.

I've already done a show. Well, technically two. At Out of Bounds this year, Craig and Rich picked 4 improvisers out of a hat to do a 20 minute show with them on the last night. I was a name drawn. I knew Rich and Craig, of course, but I also happened to know the other 3 who were picked. It was such an awesome way to be introduced to the improv community! A few weeks later, Emma, Cortnie, Leah, and I did Improvised Golden Girls. I was Dorothy. We submitted for a run in December, so hopefully we'll get that.

I love it out here. I love living by myself. I love my bed and my apartment. I can't wait to get a dog. That's something that will help me with the loneliness and with the getting out of bed and getting dressed. It's expensive, and I'm trying to pay off all of the stuff I bought when I moved out here. I basically had my clothes and a couch. I had to buy an entire kitchen and bathroom and TV and washer/dryer and tons of tiny crap. But I'm going to put my improv money aside for the dog. It's a $300 deposit at my complex, but I'm gonna wait til I have $500 to cover the initial cost of the adoption and food and vet and toys and training. That will give me a couple of months to read up. I want him to be super well behaved and socialized. My dog will rock. Oh, his name will be Professor Snugglebottoms. He will cuddle with me and watch movies and sleep on my bed. Maybe. I haven't decided about that yet. Probably, though...who are we kidding.

Friday I was gonna go visit Leah at work. Just to get out of the house. But no one could go with me. I had asked Emma, but she was at a BBQ and wasn't sure if she'd be done by happy hour time. I almost didn't go. Then Leah texted and asked if I was coming. So I went. I was talking on the phone with Faith about how I just need to go out and do these things. Who cares if I'm by myself? So, I brought a book, fully intending to chat with Leah between tables and drink and read. Then Emma called and said she was on her way. See? It all worked out! I just needed to initiate the scene and get off my duff. Then the yes ands rolled in!

And I keep reminding myself that it didn't happen overnight in LA. Faith and I had each other from the beginning, yes, but I didn't meet Ben til a couple of months in. Stef didn't move til that winter(ish). Jen and I didn't meet til the following April. These were my best buds, and it took time to get that way. Faith posted some pics to her facebook the other day, which made me really sad. I remembered the holiday party and her in the back seat of Ben's car when we both turned around to be blinded by the flash. I remember all the fun we had. And my WSU friends who stuck together. Filming with Behn and Chris. All of the Sunday Morning Movies with B and dessert time with S! I don't miss LA. Not at all. Every time I get in my car in ATX I smile because I'm so happy to live here. But I miss my friends more than I was prepared to. More than I thought I would.

I look forward to making new friends and developing the relationships I have. I look forward to meeting a nice guy who can handle my anal-retentiveness and charm. I look forward to teaching and performing improv. I feel like this is a rebirth. I'm so excited for what lies ahead. I will never forget the people who've touched my life and changed my being. I am thankful everyday for you. I miss you and I love you.

And you always have a place to stay in Austin.

Well, I made it through another X-Ecution. Not on purpose. I told JD after that next week would have to be my last week. I was really nervous talking to him, because I didn't want to let him down. He was super cool and complimentary of my work. I wish I could stay and see this through, but it just got way too complicated with the whole working from home. It's difficult to crash on someone's couch when you have an entire workstation to bring with. But I'm ready to leave and ready for Austin. I hope I can organize a workshop or something to fly JD out for a weekend. I really appreciated working with him the past few weeks, and I feel like I could still learn a lot from him.

As I was sitting at the bar with Jennifer, a group of girls sought me out to tell me how much they liked my work tonight. One girl said I was her favorite improviser, "And I watch A LOT of improv!" I can't even describe how good that made me feel. I'm going into a new scene with new people, and I'm nervous about finding my place. Finding where I fit in to everything. But having a complete stranger compliment my work made me feel like everything was gonna be just fine.

Tonight I saw The Proposal. It was really good. I'm a fan of both Sandra Bullock and Ryan Reynolds, and the two of them in a movie together made me very happy. Mary Steenburgen has had some bad plastic surgery. Her mouth is pulled into a frown when she's not engaging her face.

That is not the point. The point is, this movie made me realize that I actually do feel very lonely sometimes, which made me connect with the main character in a way I wasn't expecting. I have made a conscious choice to be single. LA isn't exactly the best place for serious relationships, and I'm not dating casually anymore. That was for my twenties. I'm in my thirties now, and would eventually like to get married. I have to admit, that's part of the reason behind my move. Guys in their 30s in LA are career focused, as they should be. LA isn't a place people come to fall in love. It's a place they come to work.

I'm in an improv competition currently. JD Walsh is The Man In Charge. We have a workshop every week, which I find immensely helpful. I haven't been on a team with a coach this entire year. I really appreciate the feedback I'm getting from him. One of the things he said recently was to treat the improv scenes the way you would in front of a casting director. That this work should help our auditions for whatever else we do. Well, I don't do anything else. I just really like improv, and want to focus on that.

So, all that being said, LA isn't the place for me. The workshop with JD sort of underlined that fact.

I miss being in love. I miss having someone in my life. And this stupid little romantic comedy made me aware of that in ways I wasn't cognizant. Some of the thing she said about forgetting what it's like to have a family...I understood. My family is sparse and spread across the country. Cousin in San Diego. Aunt & Uncle in Peoria. Sister in Tempe. Parents in Ohio. I'm moving to Austin. There was a scene when Andrew puts his arms around Margaret to warm her up after she'd fallen in some water, and my heart hurt for a second. It really surprised me.

I'm a cuddler. I love holding hands or snuggling and watching tv. I haven't had that in a very long time. It made me miss Foxy Boy a tiny bit. Not that he was ever into that stuff, but if I wanted to go out and grab a drink or see a movie, I could call him. Sometimes it's just nice to be around a member of the opposite sex, even if you're just friends. If I boil it down, I think what I miss most is being that comfortable around a guy.

I work at home. I live at home. I have to make a conscious effort to go out and be around people. The Margaret Tate character was very much a work-o-holic with no personal life. I don't work that much, but I certainly don't go into an office every day and have the opportunity to be around other people.

I'm nervous and anxious for this move. I'm ready to be out of LA and live by myself. I'm also very self sufficient and happy with my life. But watching this silly little movie tonight made me connect with a part that I suppose I've tucked away. I guess I'm just the type of person who needs human contact, and I've been sorely lacking in that department as of late.

It's interesting when art reflects life.

Just a couple more weeks til the big move.

More importantly: Just a couple more days til the big movie!!!

I'm not getting anything done. I wanted to work a full day, so I did 4 hours this morning. Then I headed to Verizon to change my plan and reprogram my phone. I expected this to take an hour. It did. Then I came home, hoping to work. Instead I took some quick photos of Faith and sent texts to my phone book about the number change. I didn't put my last name in the message, so about 35 people text messaged me wanting to know which Ashley this was.

Then I get an email from JD, the guy who heads up the Ultimate Execution, which I crashed last year. I legitimately auditioned this year, but wasn't expecting to hear anything until Wednesday at the earliest, since they were doing two auditions. He tried to call, but couldn't, as I put my old number on my audition sheet*. He emailed me asking me to call. So I did and left a message. Then I responded to his email. Then a friend tried to call, and for some reason couldn't get through. So I sent him another email letting him know I was having phone issues. I was then on the phone with Verizon for a half an hour til we figured out the problem. I refrained from sending JD yet another email letting him know everything is in working order. Yes. I am That Girl.

He did return my call just now and informed me that I'd be in the Ultimate Execution. Very exciting!

Oh, I also spent 30 minutes on the phone with TDAmeritrade b/c I couldn't get logged in. So now it's almost 8 and I have yet to do work this evening. I always feel terrible when I have Marlynn scan a million claims for the weekend and I don't get to them. I tried to work all day Sunday, but the system was down. Tomorrow I've gotta get up super early to get at least 5 hours in before my tattooing. Yep. I'm getting the Eye of Rambaldi on my right wrist and the Deathly Hallows on my left one. Geek City. Population: me.

Come support me on June 8 at the X-Ecution!












*I am a genius

Plane Tickets purchased/rental car reserved for the end of June. Heading to Austin for the apartment hunt.

It's getting closer.

I'm getting nervous/sad. I don't deal well with change, and I'm gonna miss my friends so much.

The most awesome email received in a long time. From my friend Marcus:


Subject: My most fond memory of you:
Taking a shower at your apartment and hearing you tell me that you did not want me to use your bar soap to wash my genitals because you hate pubic hairs on your soap. I laughed for the entirety of the bathing process; almost.

This is my shower.




By the way, did I mention my parents are coming tomorrow?

Faaaannnntastic.

What a weekend!

Went to the Phoenix Zoo for the first time. It was great, but I wish I'd brought my 70-300 lens. Talked with Austin people and understand the situation a little better. Got encouragement for future stuff. Not to be all cryptic, but I have some awesome opportunities that I don't want to jinx til it's official and I'm out there. Met some awesome people. Actually, there was only one troupe I didn't know this festival: ToySoup from Utah. They had probably the most talked about show this weekend. I know troupes get a copy of their performance. Hopefully they'll put theirs up online so I can link to it.

Did the Neutrino show with Shaun from Bare, Jenn Hoffman, and Tommy Schaeffer filmed. I did last year's show on Shaun's team, too. It was super fun. I got to hip toss Shaun and put my stage combat skills to use. Even Saturday night people were shouting Rape Toss at me. It ran so smoothly. It's hard to come back to LA and face LIMP. It has potential, but isn't being well run or executed. I did Neutrino for a year in PHX, and I have ideas about how to help LIMP improve. But I'm not a producer, and I don't feel like it's my place to say anything. And it's not like I'm coming from the You Need To Do This To Be More Like Neutrino angle. I'm coming from the I Am A Part Of This Show And Want It To Succeed angle. 10 people were in the audience at the last show. Nando was learning how to run the board with Ari two hours before we went on. A person who had never even been to a rehearsal ended up shooting the final scene. These ingredients do not a good show make.

Anyway. Thursday night I crashed on my sister's couch. Her condo is in this huge complex that consists soley of college kids. I've been there on the weekend and it's party central all night long. Lindsay lives on a corner, so there's plenty of traffic. Well, it was a Wednesday and I thought the noise level wouldn't be too bad. I was wrong. At 3 in the morning, a huge group of drunk assholes were yelling Fuck You to each other. There was no real fighting. Just screaming that phrase over and over and over again. I stared up at the ceiling and fantasized about going out onto her balcony with a gun and shooting it into the air to get their attention. I would kindly ask them to either break it up, quiet down, or go inside to proceed with the fucking of each other. Instead I got up and peed, which woke up Sass and opened a whole new can of worms. He, of course, wanted to sleep with me. But it took him an hour to figure out if he wanted to sleep on my feet or by my face or on my stomach or in the crook of my knees or on top of my legs or cuddled up next to me or under my hand so I'd be more inclined to pet him. By the time he finally figured it out, he decided he wanted to be with Lindsay and Chris again. Needless to say, I started my busy ass Friday with little sleep.

Friday night was a late party night, but I was able to sleep til 9 b/c it was totally dark! I love hotel rooms! My room at home faces the sunrise, so it's bright by 6:30 am, and I can rarely sleep past that. Faith was trying to sneak out to get breakfast--she knows how precious little darkness I get. But I wanted to eat free food and figured I'd just go back to sleep til we had to check out. No such luck. Everyone from PIF was at breakfast, so we were there much longer than intended. Brent was ready to go to the zoo earlier than expected, so I showered and got ready. Then it was outside in the sun walking around for a few hours. This is perfectly fine, except I know that when I don't get enough sleep, I get sick. I didn't want to pay for a second night at the hotel, so I didn't have a nap area. When we got back, I found Jose and Jacque and went up to the PIF room to change shirts.

Man, I miss my AZ friends more than I realized. Seeing everyone this weekend...I don't know what I was expecting, but it was really hard to leave. They are just an amazing group of people and I love them all. I can't believe how blessed my life is. I have been fortunate enough to befriend pretty much the most awesome kids on this planet. And not just Phoenix--all over. Being in PHX made me even that much more excited for Austin. The improv scene in LA isn't the tight community it is in PHX and ATX. That's what I miss. Being a *part* of something. LA is the loneliest place on the planet. There are so many people, but they are so wrapped up in their own little worlds. Phoenix reminded me how much I love that family feeling. Now, don't get me wrong, I love my LA peeps, too. I'm gonna feel the same way about them when I move to TX. But there's just something different about the communities. Too hard to explain.

Anyway, by Tommy's party Saturday night I was already pretty sleep deprived. And then I ended up not sleeping at all that entire night. I drove back to LA and got stuck in traffic at the windmills on the 10. There was an accident that backed up traffic for over an hour. I finally got home, but the second wind had kicked in, so I couldn't fall asleep immediately. Monday morning I didn't have the opportunity to sleep in due to the construction. That continued to Tuesday as well. But Monday was when the sickness kicked in. I'm not contagious; it's just my body's way of reprimanding me for having too much fun. It's just a bad cold. I slept for about 3 hours Monday night due to fevers coming and going. Today is my first day feeling better, even though not at 100%. Hopefully a good night's sleep tonight will get me there.

Friday is the premier of Woke at the Newport Film Festival. Afterwards is a beach house party. I want to go to both, but not if I'm still sick, which sucks. Hopefully I can at least go to the cookout. We'll see. I know that if I push it, I'll just get sicker. The weekend after next is my cousin's wedding in Temecula, so I have to be totally healed by then. I'm really looking forward to that one! My folks fly in to LAX Wednesday night at 7. I told them they'd have to eat at the airport b/c there's no way in hell I'm driving to that damn place in rush hour traffic.

Summary of story: PHX was awesome as usual. My heart hurts from missing my friends. I am happy to meet new people and make new friends. Traffic and being sick can kiss my ass. Oh, and pictures are up here.