I took yesterday off. Didn't juice; ate pizza. But I'm fine with that. Especially after I decided that I'm not going to do this for just 21 days--I'm going to continue eating like this most days. I don't usually eat this variety, nor this healthy.

Yesterday I started to get a headache between my eyes. Where I would imagine a sinus headache would start. I NEVER get headaches, so this is a new thing. I think it's related to stress, though. Tomorrow night after I teach class, I have a massage scheduled. I am SOOOO looking forward to this. This dog sitting is a nightmare. I've never had anxiety, really, and I've had daily panic attacks since Friday. Her owner comes back tomorrow and I can't wait to get rid of this dog. This has been a nightmare. I'm not ready to take care of someone else's dog so soon after I lost mine. If something were to happen to Bailey, I would be beyond devastated.

This week is also really busy, so I'm not sure how often I will update. But I'm trying to get in the habit of doing it on a regular basis.

OHMYGOD I MISS PIZZA

I'm on Day 6 today and everything is going well. I'm dogsitting, which is not going well, and I took Bailey on a walk this morning for over an hour. We walked yesterday for about 45 minutes. So, yay, exercise! But I do miss cheese. A LOT. And pasta. When Joshua did it, he ate whatever he wanted for lunch--he didn't follow the program strictly--and he still noticed a big difference. For me it's the fact that I can breathe out of both nostrils--something I can't ever remember doing. One side or the other was always...not really *blocked*...but I guess just difficult to breathe through. I really like the juices and soups a lot. They're made with either almond or coconut milk. I've decided to just keep up with this way of eating, pretty much for good. I'll still occasionally go out, but I really want to follow the recipes here. I'm rarely hungry, and when I am it's because I haven't eaten lunch yet. So, there's plenty of food. Also, I'm down 4 pounds. Not sure if I will keep up with that pace the entire time, but it would be nice.

I've avoided fast food and pizza, which is really hard. I love me some hamburgers. And I would eat pizza for every meal if it weren't so bad. But I'm going to wait until I get down to where I want to be before I start adding those things back into my diet.

DAY 3

Yesterday was Day 3, and I had already planned on breaking the detox a little. I was going to see a movie with a friend, and we had a drink before catching the film. Then, at the Alamo, I also had a milkshake. And popcorn. The rest of the day, I followed Clean. I had adzuki beans w/ some leftover wild rice and quinoa, sauteed carrots, onion, and celery, butternut squash, and kombu (which is a seaweed type thing that's a probiotic). The fruit smoothie was made with almond milk, which was really good. I also had my apple and garlic. But I had planned on breaking it a little in the evening, just as I'm planning on breaking it at the wedding on the 14th.

I have yet to exercise. I took Olive on a walk yesterday over to C&A's house, because I'm looking after their fish and flowers for a few days. Tonight I get Bailey until the 4th, so I'll be doing the jog/walks every day until then. The weather in Austin is so nice. I wore a light jacket when I took Olive out and ended up not needing it at all.

It takes a while to make the lunches, so I'm still getting into that groove. Most recipes call for wild rice or quinoa, so I'm going to make and store some. That way, I just have to scoop out the correct amount when I'm ready to eat. It takes forever to cook a pot of each, and I'm also doing 8 other things at the same time (cutting, chopping, sauteing, baking, etc), so it'll be much easier to have that stuff all ready to go and will be one less thing to worry about.

DAY 2

I love garlic. But, man, eating a clove of raw garlic each day--even sliced between apple--is hard. It tastes amazing, but that's a SERIOUSLY concentrated amount of garlic.

So far, so good. I watched someone eat pizza on tv and I wanted to jump through the screen. And I still have an entire box of Esther Price in the fridge, but I'm holding strong. I think it will be hardest at the beginning because I am still getting used to all this new food. Today I had chicken and quinoa with salad greens and olive oil. I've never in my life had a salad with no dressing. I added some balsamic vinegar for a little extra flavor, but overall it was good. The smoothie for breakfast and dinner had blueberries and raspberries, coconut milk, and 1/4 of an avacado. Quite tasty. I am blowing my nose WAY less than what I usually do, so that's wonderful. And I can breathe out of both sides! Sadly, that is unusual in my book.

I've discovered I don't like mint or parsley. These herbs are in many of the recipes, and I have a huge bunch of parsley. Once I run out, I will not be purchasing more. I'll add some spinach for extra greens, if needed. For now, though, I'm sort of just forcing them down. It's not terrible, but it's also not my favorite.

Day 2 was great. I got through it with no problems.

DAY 1

Today is my first day of a 21 day detox program called Clean. I am so ready for this. One of the main things it talks about is getting rid of the extra mucus in your body. I happen to have a lot of that. For some reason, yesterday I lost my voice. And I woke up this morning at 4:45am with snot draining down the back of my throat. According to the book, there is a link between wheat and milk intake and mucus production. Since arriving home from Ohio on Sunday, I've had almost an entire pound of Esther Price milk chocolates. I would say that has something to do with my sore throat. I'm drinking hot tea at the moment. Liz Dykes is visiting and asleep in my bed. I didn't start coughing, but I started having to clear my throat and I didn't want to bother her, so I got up. I'm going to work for a couple of hours then probably take a nap.

This blog is going to track the progress of my detox. I'm going to try to write in it every day. The basic overview is to have a liquid breakfast and dinner, and an organic lunch. Last night I spent a lot of time writing out what I'm eating each day. For instance, today I'm having a mango & coconut milk smoothie for breakfast and dinner, and a roast chicken for lunch. The book has recipes in the back, and I've made notes for myself about what page to refer. I did some basic grocery shopping last night, and spent $95.00. I need to go through my lunch recipes this week and see if there are any additional ingredients I need. I hadn't made a list, and I was with Liz and wanted to get things done quickly, so I bought some basic ingredients and lots of frozen fruit for the smoothies. Last night I made up a master list of what was needed from each recipe. Today I will go through the next 7 days to make sure I have everything, and pick up whatever is needed.

In addition to a reduced and organic intake of food, it recommends eating one clove of garlic/day in between thin slices of apple, exercising, journaling, two T olive oil before bed for internal lubrication, and taking a daily picture. I'm going to wait until this afternoon to do that, but I will be taking a daily picture of my face. I'm going to post the first day of each week and a final picture, but I'll take a daily picture just for my own records. I'm going to take a yoga and spin class every day. I will be dog sitting for a few days, so I might pass on the gym classes and take the dog out for three 30 minute jog/walks. It's a young I think Huskie with a lot of energy, so breaking up the workouts for me will also help keep the dog under control. I'm going to focus on producing more claims and hitting 40 hours/week, so I want to make sure the dog isn't going stir crazy while she's here.

The book talks about dealing with hunger. I expect to be hungry on this, especially with the addition of exercise. When I was in Ohio, I was very conscious of the fact that I was full ALL THE TIME. Once we ate dinner, and I didn't even want anything; I was still full from lunch. I'm increasing my water intake, so that will help. And I'm not usually hungry first thing in the morning, so I'll put off breakfast as long as possible. The book says you need at least 12 hours between dinner the night before and breakfast the next day. I'm also getting a massage weekly, which is recommended. I have several built up from my Massage Envy membership, so that won't be a problem. There was a groupon for acupuncture that I purchased, and I'll be setting up my two appointments this week.

I'm really interested to see how I feel on this. It's different for each person, naturally. But with the amount of breads and milk products I eat, I suspect that my mucus production will go way down. I'm also hoping to avoid getting colds this winter, which I usually get every few weeks and which render me completely useless for at least a day (then a week of miserable coughing and super runny nose).

On Day 19 I will be at a wedding. I plan to juice breakfast and dinner, but eat whatever is at the wedding for lunch and have a slice of cake. Normally I could eat cake until I passed out, but I'm curious to see if the sweetness will be too much since I'll have cut out refined sugar for more that two weeks prior. January 16 is my Day 21, but depending on how I feel, I might keep going until the 20th, which is when Heather, Becca, Amber, and Jil arrive for my birthday weekend. I'm not happy with where my body is, in terms of fitness. I know that even if I didn't change what I was putting into my body, that if I exercised every day I would probably drop about 6 pounds before my birthday. I'm guessing with the diet change and the fact that I'll be dumping a whole bunch of toxic crap out of my system that I lose about 10 pounds. 15 tops. I'm also hoping that after doing this for 21 straight days, I will be in the habit of exercising every day, so that will be something I continue. I would also like to continue cooking from the recipes, eating healthy, and not completely reverting back to my old (bad) habits.

Later today I will post my Day 1 picture. I'm excited to start this!

* * * MID AFTERNOON UPDATE * * *

So far I have had so much water my pee is clear. But that helps with the hunger, which I'm beginning to notice since I've been up for almost 9 hours now, plus water and peeing are good for you. Liz and I went to Kerbey Lane for lunch. I had tea and lemons, she had chips and salsa and almond pancakes and bacon. I didn't even take a bite, which is amazing to me! I have zero self control, PLUS her food looked SO GOOD, but I'm incredibly proud that I stuck with my plan. We came home and I started to gather the ingredients to make my chicken for lunch, and I missed picking up a few key things last night. So, off to the grocery store again. The sunflower seeds, which needed to soak for 2 hours, are now soaking. They probably won't make it the full 2, but now I know for next time: LOOK AHEAD AT WHAT THE RECIPES CALL FOR. I ate my garlic clove in thin slices of apple, so I'm fine for now. But, whoooo boy does my breath stink!

Here's my Day 1 photo. One of the things the book talks about is tightening of your pores. I have huge pores, but this photo doesn't show it. I was hoping to see a difference by the end of the 21 days, but I suppose I'll just have to go by memory. Also, i was hungry all day b/c I didn't get to eat lunch until almost 4, but there was so much food I couldn't finish it all. I'm slowly snacking on it b/c I'm gonna see a movie w/ Emma at 10:30, so I know I'll be up late and not eating after 10.

I am having self esteem issues as of late and am considering an experiment. However, I'm not sure I want confirmed what I think the outcome will be. Like that one time when I stopped initiating sex with my then live-in boyfriend to see how long we would go without having sex and after 3 weeks of him not initiating anything I decided that was a stupid experiment.

Anyway, the experiment in my head would take a few months. I will publish my findings. And then probably cry.

That '70s Show

I just finished watching all 8 seasons, thanks to Netflix instant. If you pretend season 8 never happened, it was a decent comedy. Not great. Not amazing. But not terrible. The characters were fun. There were story lines. But let me be clear, SEASON 8 SUCKED. It's like they gave up. Or got completely new writers. Or just didn't care anymore. If I didn't have this compulsion to finish what I've started (Heroes was the one exception. I stuck with it for two seasons, wanting it so badly to be good, but it just wasn't.), I would have stopped after the 5th episode. Not that something happened in the 5th episode. NOTHING HAPPENED. It's just that by the 5th episode I realized it wasn't going to get any better. It was all one line jokes. Yes, the other 7 seasons had jokes, but Season 8 was absolute crap.

My main complaint with the first few seasons was the acting of the girls. It's like every scene they were trying hard no to laugh (same with Debra Messing in 90% of the Will & Grace episodes). It was annoying. I wondered who lost out to Mila and Laura, and would those girls have done any better. But I'd take that any day over the horrid writing of the 8th season. Those guys were just phoning it in. And it wasn't even because Ashton Kutcher and Topher Grace had left the cast. Ashton had a ton of energy and Topher was the star of the show. So, yes, there was an emptiness. Seth Meyer's little brother Josh was hired to fill that hole. He wasn't bad, he just had stupid lines. I felt sorry for the actor. And what was up with Wilmer's voice? Because I watched all 8 seasons in a few weeks' time, it was glaringly obvious that it had changed. And not in a "I'm growing up" kind of way. More like a "I've partied too hard and now my voice is scratchy." It was weird to hear. Season 8 was almost like a completely different show. I wonder what the ratings were like. I wonder what was the fan reaction. Did they hate it? How could they not?

The first several seasons were fun to watch. You could clearly tell these guys were best friends. It looked like it would've been an amazing cast to be a part of. Fun and games all the time. But by the 8th season it was like they were all annoyed with each other. Or that fame had gotten in the way. It went from being a fun, brainless comedy to something that made me want to hurl my tv out the window, were I not too lazy to get off the couch.

So, my advice, if you decide to watch the series, is stop after Season 7. Fez and Jackie wind up together. Hyde marries a stripper for a little while. Donna and Eric share one last kiss. Bob moves to Florida. Red gets Packers Season Tickets, and Kitty drinks. The jokes are terrible. It's like watching bad improv. But instead of doing it for free to an audience of your friends, these peoplet were paid thousands and thousands of dollars each week to an audience all over the country. Which just makes me mad. :-)

Stupid internet. I just wrote this whole big post, and my computer froze as I was publishing.

To sum up:

My dad is sick.
He's in the hospital.
They don't know what's wrong.
Yesterday my mom took him to the ER and he was released after several hours. Later that night she took him back and they admitted him.
He's fine for now, but he's had a really high fever on and off for a week with bad chills.
I hate being so far away from my family.

I just had an odd interaction with a stranger at 1:30 in the morning. I was taking my dog out for his Before Bed Bathroom Break. Now, psnuggs can be unpredictable. He'll ignore some people and go after others, so I never know what mood he'll be in. But I do know that if people get too close, he gets nervous and on the defensive. I have a new leash and let him wander farther than the old one let him. I saw a guy getting out of his car, so I started to reign The Professor back in. He'd gotten ahead of me and tangled on the railings of the walk way. I wanted to tell the guy to wait until I'd gotten my dog away, but I didn't. I should have. Although my dog was on the outside of the walk way, it was an odd angle because the leash was wrapped around a pole. The guy passed by closely, and Professor lunged at him. I held him off and the guy continued on. We went about our business. A few minutes later, and in a different part of the complex, this guy approaches me. He asks my dog's name and then lets me know that Professor bit him. No skin was broken because he was wearing 2 layers of clothes (it's currently snowing in a part of the country that rarely sees snow), but he wanted to let me know that "that's not cool" and "some people could be litigious."

What does that mean? What was the purpose of him tracking me down? Why didn't he say anything right away? I was truly sorry my dog went after him. Going forward, when we're in a situation like that (close quarters) I will ask the person to stop until I have secured my dog. I do not want anyone hurt. I was completely mortified that this guy was bitten, but I was curious as to his approach. It seemed he wanted more than an apology. But he wasn't really asking for anything. Maybe he just wanted me to know? I'm not sure. He specifically said the word "litigious" twice. And he made sure he knew the name of my dog. I totally understand and don't begrudge him if he reports the incident to the apartment complex. But I wanted to ask him what he wanted to get out of his approach. There was no way to do this without him thinking I was being defensive. What would I have even said? "Can I help you with anything else?" I apologized, but that's really all I could do at the moment. No clothes were ripped. He wasn't hurt. It was just weird that he didn't say anything in the moment, and that he waited a few minutes and walked to a different part of the complex to talk to me.

I don't know what it was like for the first year of my dog's life. I know he was born and raised in a humane society. I saw the conditions in which he lived. I'm sure there was no abuse, but I'm also fairly certain there was neglect. And most likely fighting with other dogs. He's ferociously protective of me.

In the future, I will definitely request that the approaching person wait until I have my dog a safe distance away. A voice in my head kept saying "Ask this guy to stop until you've untangled the leash" but I didn't. I can't go back and change that. I'm glad that guy wasn't hurt. And I'm still curious as to his reasoning for coming after me. It may have been just to make me aware of the situation. But there seemed to be something else he wanted either to say to me or for me to say to him.

Etiquette

It's interesting the different forms of phone etiquette out there. I, personally, hate taking calls when someone else is in my car. I feel that's rude. And if I notice someone on the phone with whom I need to speak, I will wait til they're off to say hello.

I don't know many people in my complex. Those I do know, aside from M&K, I've met through my dog. There's one old woman who's very nice, but also a bit strange. A friend was taking care of p.snugg and ran into her. She addressed the dog directly, and not my friend, who spoke to her. This lady is an odd bird, yes. So, she's in the pool and I politely wave, but I continue my conversation. That should be the end of it. Instead, she tries to engage me in conversation about the fact that there's human feces in the pool. Fabulous. Thank you for letting me know. I will not swim in that pool for a while. However, lady, I am CLEARLY on the phone and will not have a full conversation with you. Nor will I walk around the iron fence to use my key to come into the pool area to SEE POOP! I sort of nodded said some throw away line, and continued on. She gets out and starts to follow me, CONTINUING to try to engage me in conversation.

At this point, I don't know what to do or say to let her know I'm not interested in her without seeming rude. Then I realized *she* was the one being rude. It's not like I was speaking with her first and took a call in the middle of our conversation. No. I was on the phone with a friend, who I am now ignoring. This is another one of my pet peeves. If there is too much excitement on your end of the conversation, maybe you shouldn't be on the phone. Don't call me if you're super distracted and then get off after a few minutes of wasted conversation. So, I was turning into my own pet peeve. Gross.

In the end, I felt bad for a half second, then got over it and ignored her as politely as I could and turned my attention back to my friend. I would love to see the conversation if Dude Who Hugs ever ran into Crazy Old Lady. They both have dogs. I see a friendship blossoming.

Several months ago I was hanging out with a friend. He brought a few beers over one night. It was that night that I realized my feelings for him had changed. Literally, the moment I opened the door and saw him standing there. Later in the evening, I saw a bottle cap from one of his beers. It had a phrase on the other side.

"Here Now"

That phrase has incredible significance to me. When I saw that cap, I thought, this is a moment I want to remember. This is a guy I want to be with. But does everything have to have significance? Can't this just be a bottle cap?

I think a reason it hit me so hard was because of the weight behind that phrase. It was something M and R used to say. We all adopted that phrase. Be here. Now. Be present in this moment in your life. Here. Now.

He called me as I was about to go in to a shift at Papa Johns.
"I need you."
"Are you okay?"
"I just walked home from the hospital."
"I'm on my way."

I had to call Worst Mistake and have him cover for me. I remember standing in my parents kitchen. Not knowing what had happened, but knowing it was bad. I remember the phone cord was really long. I went to his apartment. His door was unlocked. Open. I walked in. He was on his bed, which has always just been a mattress on the floor.

She'd had a seizure. I found out later that she'd been bulimic for years. She'd told him that night. She was in a coma in the hospital. They'd been at his apartment. He had to call 911. They walked him through basic life support until they could get there. It was Halloween. Her heart stopped twice. Once in the ambulance and once in the ER. They had to shock her. He watched it all. I can only imagine what that must've been like for him.

We went back to the hospital and pretty much stayed there for three days. I remember walking the long corridor to her room. We hated that walk. It was this weird honeycomb shaped hallway. Sort of sectioned off. We just wish it had been one long hallway. At one point, I took him out to eat. I can't remember where. Some chain like a Chilis, but it wasn't Chilis. He ordered food, then laid down in the booth and cried. Our waitress dropped our food off and looked at him and then at me.

"Please bring us a To Go box. I don't think we'll be eating here."
"If you don't mind my asking, what's wrong?"
"His girlfriend is in the ICU at Good Sam."
"Oh. My husband's best friend was there 8 months ago. Motorcycle accident. I really liked the layout. The way it curved like that. It gave you privacy. I hope your friend is okay." She wasn't.

Wow. I never realized that. It make the walk better. To see it from a different perspective. Our waitress smiled. Left the check, and went about her business. I looked at the name on the ticket. Angel.

On the way back to the hospital, I parked in the parking garage. I missed the first available spot b/c I wasn't paying attention. The second spot was slightly tight, and I just didn't want to bother with it. The third spot that was available was just right. And it was directly next to her car. Her parents had flown in from NY and were driving her car. Of all of the spots in this giant parking garage, the first one I took was next to hers.

See, I feel like I've been show certain things in my life. Running in to that waitress was no accident. Her name? I mean, come on. And the fact that she had a story about that particular ICU. A story which made it easier to walk down that horrible hallway.

A few years ago my dad had major heart surgery. We had to drop him off at the hospital the night before for lab work and prep. My sister and mom had gone off to get something to eat.

"I can't believe how strong you are at the moment. I need you to be strong for your mom and your sister."
"If they could see things the way I could, they would know there was nothing to worry about."

He'd been diagnosed with Marfan's Syndrom a few short months before. It was before the first snow fall. Before he ever had to shovel the driveway. Before they started moving into their new house: carrying boxes; going up and down basement stairs. So many things that could've killed him. They wouldn't have found it in time if he was just going to die on the operating room table. I knew that. I knew he would be okay.

Like I said, I can see things. Here Now has been a huge mantra in my life. To find it on a bottle cap about an hour after I realized I had feelings for someone was quite a shock. I hadn't thought about R in a long time. I hadn't thought about those three days. Was I reading more into that bottle cap that is there? Does it have to have significance? Why does everything have to mean something?

Because it does mean something.

To me.

Be here. Now. In this moment. Don't worry about what's behind you. Don't agonize over the future. Just breathe. Be present.

I pulled a muscle during my work out this morning because I haven't done strength training in over a week. So I decided not to spin. Which is fine b/c I'm still healing from a very important lesson learned last week: don't spin within 24 hours of a wax because YOUR SKIN WILL PEEL OFF. I took a shower at the gym and one of the zippers on my bag broke as I was getting my stuff. I get out of the shower and realize I forgot to pack a clean shirt. So I have to put back my nasty, sweaty work out shirt on over my clean skin.

It's not even noon and this day has already bested me.

You win, Day. You win.

Hug Attack!

There's a guy in my complex who has a dog. He's a nice enough guy. I first met him a few months ago and we chatted for a bit at the mailboxes. He invited me over to have dinner sometime with his girlfriend. I never went. I've seen him a few times since them--no big deal. He knows I do improv and I've mentioned that my only friends in Austin are improvisers. He says I should come out with him sometime and he'll introduce me to other people.

The last time I saw him was a little creepy. Previously we'd been around the complex; not directly in front of my building. This time I had my dog and I ran into him with his. We chatted for a bit, but I really have nothing to say to this dude. As I'm walking up my stairs, he says, "You're looking good." Like it was a throw away line. GROSS! It was totally creepy. We'd sort of already said goodbye and I was walking away and too much time had passed for him to say something. Anyway, that kind of freaked me out. Especially since he watched me walk into my apartment.

Yesterday I ran into him again. Again, polite chatter, but I needed to get moving. He comes at me and I think we're gonna shake hands or something, BUT HE HUGS ME! I do the polite pat on the back and scoot away as fast as possible. I was totally unprepared for that hug. What do I do now??! We've hugged goodbye once. Now he's going to expect that. How do you turn down a second hug? Now I'm paranoid whenever I take the dog out. Ohdeargod I hope I don't see this guy at night.

OK, so this it not a rhetorical question. What do I do the next time I see him if he goes in again for the hug? How do you say to someone, "I'm sure you're very nice but I don't know you that well and don't feel comfortable hugging you."? I mean, there's no way for this not to be weird. If I don't say anything, I'll get hug attacked. If I *do* say something, it will be super awkward. Man, I cannot remember a time I was hugged against my will.

Maybe he is cyberstalking me and reads this. If so: PLEASE DO NOT HUG ME. IT MAKES ME UNCOMFORTABLE.

I will, it seems, never learn. Last paycheck was about half of what it normally is because of the fire above. I couldn't work for an entire week. Last week was a new week, but I had improv literally 7 nights in a row, plus teaching, coaching, and training sessions. So I only did the minimum amount of work. Every Friday I say I'll just work 5 hours each day for the weekend. That way, by Monday I'll have almost hit my minimums. If something comes up during the week, I can go to that. Duke has invited me to hang out on his days off a few times, but I'm always scrambling to get my hours in. This weekend wrapped up my crazy improv marathon, plus Nanna was in town. So I didn't work one drop until Monday. I was able to get in 7.5 hours when I was kicked off the system. My claims are stored on the common drive. I can't process claims if I can't access the common drive. I emailed our IT guy and my supervisor to let them know I was having problems. Then I shut everything down and figured it would re-set itself over night. Sometimes it does that.

Not this time.

Marlynn called me the next day to let me know our server blew up. Everything is down. Our IT guy had been working all night trying to fix it b/c he had jury duty the next day and wasn't going to be at work. Turns out it won't be fixed until Friday at the earliest. I'm crippled. Marlynn is overnighting me claims. It is 3:07 and they have not arrived. I have to pick up the dog from his last day of training, walk him, shower, and coach tonight. My processing time availability for the day is fast departing. I can work a full 10 hours tomorrow, but that won't be enough to hit my minimums. My next paycheck is going to be super small, as well. And yet I'm hemorrhaging money. I just dropped close to $1800 on another round of personal training. At the end of the month-once class and high school is over-I'm going to sign up for dance lessons. If I were working a full 40 hours a week, which, by the way, isn't hard, I would not be worried about spending all this money. And yet, I am super lazy and not motivated to get stuff done.

Something has to change. But what? How do I get out of this rut? How do I manage my time better? If only I'd worked 4 stinking hours a day over the weekend, I'd be at my minimums and I wouldn't be worried about my paycheck. But no. I'm slacking and having too much fun. Fun isn't wrong, necessarily, but when it's getting in the way of daily responsibilities, it should be reigned in a bit. I have several mini-vacations coming up: LA, PHX, NOLA, and even an overnight at a spa. I have PLENTY of down time. And yet, I can't quite seem to squeeze in work. I love my job. I love the flexibility it affords me. I just can't seem to get a handle on it. I remember Barb saying she'd never telecommute again. She'd tried it several years ago. "I'm just the type of person who needs the structure of an office." I think I might be that type of person. So how do you change who you are?

Man, Improv and I are just not clicking this week. Last night was my worst NSL show. The night before was our worst GG show. Tonight I have another GG show with LAFF. Hopefully that will go better. Well, ya can't be on all the time, I guess.

who looks at my flickr account? why do i go from 1 view one day, to 150 views the next. i'm just curious as to who is browsing through my stuff.

in other news: this work week is over. tomorrow starts a new pay period. thank god. this past week was insane stress for me. friday i am going to enjoy a hardcore work out with jenny followed by some spinning. then katie and i are gonna walk the dogs. then i'm meeting liz for happy hour. and i have a late NSL show. next week will be better than this week. i'm willing it so.

everything hurts

There are a lot of retired people at the gym in the morning. I look at the old women and wonder what I'm going to look like when I'm in my 60s. They're so cute in the group classes with their little friends and their pastel colors. The men are just as adorable. One guy today was walking the track in a plaid shirt and khaki pants. I just wanted to give him a hug!

I think I'm gonna make a cool old lady.

trying to remember my dreams last night. they were weird. the first one i was living with faith in a bungalow-type place. i got up to feed the professor, and i saw there was different food than what i put out. i fumbled around in the dark until i found the living room light. when i turned it on, there was a huge dog and bunny rabbit laying on an ottoman. in the middle of the night, the apartment complex had broken in and delivered these two animals at the request of a friend who wanted me to look after them for a while. most of the dream was spent trying to track down that friend b/c i just didn't have time to take care of another person's responsibility. oh, and my bedroom light wouldn't turn on. i think i spent a portion of the dream trying to change lightbulbs only to figure out that it was really a short.

the next one was an ocean dream. i had my surf board and the boston boys were there. it was this enclosed place: short beach that you had to go through these giant steal doors to get to, then water, then jungle. and there were so many people around. i swam out against the waves, trying to get to this dock at the back by the jungle. once i reached the dock, i knew i'd be able to surf. the water was clear and nice. one of the waves came quickly after the second, and i didn't have enough time to surface and catch my breath. i thought i was going to drown, but at the last minute i was able to pop up. i made it to the dock, and the boston boys & a few other improvisers were there. big sam, i think. i just remember chaz saying he thought i would do really well, but i was afraid to stand up on my board b/c there were so many people around i didn't want to accidentally hurt anyone. so i swam out to a place where there were no people. to the far left was a testing area for some government program. the middle was off limits. so i was restricted to the original area. when i got back, the water had drained. everyone waited around for a while until an announcement was made that they shut off the ocean. we trudged back in. someone had let my dog out, so i had to catch him. then there was something with a criminal and i was an FBI agent (which i had apparently been all along) and i had to chase him for a really long time and there was a nuclear blast that i lived through b/c i found a metal roof top to a shed that i held up.

weird dreams. still not enough sleep. went to bed around 12:30 then i woke up at 5, 6, 7, and finally got out of bed around 8. boo on that.

tonight was a fun show. i think matt, patricia, and i can only get better. hopefully we'll have more opportunities to play in the future. i felt like my personal performance could've been better. at one point i realized that a couple of my characters held her hands in the same manner. nitpicky, yes, but it bugged me all the same. and i could feel myself slouching. i've seen several pictures from past performances where i'm slouching. do i slouch in real life? i hate slouchers. i don't want to be one.

i wanted to hang out after, but i was a ride giver to someone who needed to get home. which is better, anyway, the more i think about what this week entails. class, rehearsal, and a training session tomorrow. high schoolers and rehearsal wednesday. GG show and training session thursday. on top of all of that, i need to squeeze in a minimum of 5 hours of work/day. i'm so far behind in my emails and referrals it's daunting. stupid fire above me keeping me from work for an entire week. hopefully i can fall asleep tonight. i've been having problems with that, lately. but, to be fair, a couple of nights ago it was due to a long phone call back west.

i spoke with faith today and perhaps wasn't the nicest. there has only been one other time that i've stopped her in the middle of telling me something to let her know i can't hear about it anymore. this time was her latest weight loss scheme. when she gets back from cannes, she's going to do this crazy 500 calorie/day plus some kind of pregnant woman supplement for like 28 days. yes, you will lose weight, but it is ENTIRELY UNHEALTHY. i was a nutritional counselor in ohio. i have been extensively trained in what the body needs to survive. plus, i find it an interesting topic and have read several books. and having personal trainers on and off for my adult life has given me an insight into that, as well. so when i hear that my mom is doing some crazy cookie diet instead of eating well and exercising, and faith is going to basically starve herself for a month and take some pills, it's really hard to take. once you go back to eating normally, you will gain it all back. BECAUSE YOU HAVEN'T CHANGED THE HABITS THAT GOT YOU THERE IN THE FIRST PLACE. *and* it's really hard on your system--your heart in particular--to do that. if you're going to be so restrictive, you literally need to be checked on every week to be safe. she already has a bad relationship with food in her past. i worry about what she's going to do to herself. LA is a really hard place to live. i watched sarah b who is THE SIZE OF MY LEFT LEG I'M NOT EVEN KIDDING poke her belly while looking in the mirror--upset at what she saw. THAT'S WHERE YOUR ORGANS GO. YOU CAN'T POSSIBLY BE ANY SKINNIER. i'm so glad i'm out of that place. i'm a pretty average size girl, but i was definitely on the big side in LA. it's depressing to go into an audition and out-weigh everyone by 20 pounds. so, i know she feels that pressure. i just wish she'd be smart about it.

and my mom is killing me as well. i flat out asked her why she didn't just change how she ate, and she said it was because she didn't want to. fair enough. but when you're on a ton of meds, if you add exercise to your daily life and cut out the ice cream, it can only help. i remember johnny telling me how he'd take a shot of insulin so he could eat a stack of pancakes. THAT'S NOT WHAT IT'S FOR. guys, i love you. you are my family. please stop killing yourselves. it makes me sad. to my mom's credit, though, she emailed me this morning to tell me she started her thing and that she also worked out today. i hope it's one of those "if i can only lose 10 pounds that would help jump start me to healthier ways". that's definitely how it's been for me. i've been working out with a trainer for 3 months now, but i haven't really changed the way i eat (which resembles a crazy sugar addict). after the first 6 weeks, even though i hadn't dropped a pound, i'd shed 2% body fat. that felt good. and saturday i weighed in the 150s, which i haven't seen since 2008. so, it's been much easier recently to stay focused and not scarf down all of the donuts in a 5 mile radius. my clothes are fitting differently. i'm feeling better. i'm gaining more confidence. i guess i just want to be a good example for mom and faith. i want them to be healthy. i want us all to be healthy. throwing a pill at the problem doesn't fix the problem. sometimes it can make it worse.

April was not a good month for my friends in relationships. Lindsay and Chris called it quits for the last time. He's moving to Spain for a while. Then, a few days ago I'd noticed the wife of a friend of mine posting FB status updates like, "I found an apartment." So I emailed my friend questioning the use of "I" instead of "we" and found out they're divorcing. This morning I woke up to an email from a close girlfriend of mine letting me know that she and her boyfriend broke up *and* her father passed. Holy cow. Slow it down, Universe. (ETA: yet another divorce between two acquaintances of mine--found out tonight.)

Last week my parents and I had the What Are You Doing With Your Life talk. I told them I'm doing exactly what I want to do. My job is something that pays the bills--it's not a career. Improv is not a hobby, it's what I do. If that paid the bills, I'd do it full time. But it doesn't. I'm more creatively satisfied at this point in my life than I have ever been in the past. I feel that the work I've been doing lately has been good and I really love teaching. I'm happy with my apartment and dog. But, in a way, I feel like I've let them down. I know they want me to have a family and get married. They've never pressured me about it, and for that I'm thankful. But I've always known I'd never have the "traditional" life they thought I'd lead. I mean, even as a kid the way I was taught life goes is you go to college, get married, and have a family. That's not the path I followed. Almost none of my friends in the entertainment industry are married, while almost all of my friends outside of it are.

And now L & C aren't together anymore. I think they were sort of pinning most of their expectations on her--maybe not consciously. Now they have two single daughters who don't exactly have marriage at the front of their minds. I suppose I feel like I'm a bit of a disappointment. Which is ridiculous, yes. I know they're proud of me. But one thing my folks want in their lives is a grandchild. I never made the connection before that my choices can affect my parents in that way. Again, they've never voiced this to me before, but I could hear it when we spoke. When I told them that this is it: I'm doing exactly what I want to do in life. They were like, "Oh. OK. Well, good, as long as you're happy." I am. I *am* happy. I am doing *exactly* what I want to be doing with my life. I wish I could give them what they want, but I can't. Hopefully they can settle for pictures of the dog.

You know how when you're reading a book you can skip ahead a bit and see the future of the story? You don't read a lot, just enough to get a glimpse of where things are heading.

I wish you could do that with life.

Looking forward to Los Angeles. Looking forward to Phoenix. Looking forward to New Orleans. Looking forward to getting away for a while. Not looking forward to figuring out what I'm gonna do with the dog. Running out of friends with no pets. Oh well. It'll come.

I'm 4 for 4 in terms of dudes expressing an interest and then immediately getting a girlfriend. Can I call Shenanigans on my life? Austin, seriously, what is up with that?