Monday, December 31, 2001

Last night I dreamt I married Paul in Vegas. We had a big wedding, but my parents weren't there because they were gambling. Then things went wrong. I walked down the aisle in a beautiful white dress, but had forgotten to take my purse off. My big, hot-pink-with-thick-black-strap purse. And the best man sat in a huddled ball at my feet, rolling around the alter. Then we went into the casino, and all these people were congratulating us. And they wanted to see the ring. But I hated it. And I thought, "How could I marry someone who gave me such a crappy ring?" Then Paul hugs me. God, he's a good hugger. I miss that. I miss the Paul I thought he was. I miss going to Dragons games. I miss cooking him dinner and burning myself so bad that my skin bubbled up. But you know what? I would take it all back. I had the best summer with him, but it just wasn't worth it in the end. I thought he was this perfect person, and it was too bad we didn't meet at another time or under different circumstances. But then I saw how he really is. And it pisses me off that I was fooled. That I let myself be fooled. That I didn't listen to my gut feeling. I mean, when he came back, I didn't want to be with him. He annoyed me. He was too loud, too fratboyish. He smoked, drank too much, I hated his humor. And yet, I overlooked everything. And I still don't understand why. But sometimes, when I'm in bed at night, or I see something deaf-related somewhere, I miss him. And then I'm immediately mad at myself for doing so. I'm ready to leave. To move across the country. To leave everything behind and start completely new. And that time will come. Just not yet.

Saturday, December 29, 2001

I have become obsessed with chess. zha and I play everyday now. He even printed some games off the internet, and we played those yesterday. Everywhere I go, I got chess on the brain. I was out to dinner last night with some old friends, and I assigned pieces to all of the glasses and played a mini-game in my head. From now on when zha and I play, we're going to record our games. I plan my day around when we play next. I couldn't get a hold of him yesterday for a bit, and I immediately thought he was playing a game with his sister, so they weren't answering the phone. I was jealous. I felt cheated on. Well, he wasn't playing with his sister, he was playing on the internet. Sweet mother of all that is good, help me!
But, I guess there are worse things to be addicted to.

Wednesday, December 26, 2001

Today a guy came in with some flash problems. Now, I don't know a whole lot about flashes, but I do know how to test it to see where a problem could be. On the back of flashes, there is a button you can push and the flash will go off. If it doesn't, there is a problem with the bulb or the batteries. I pushed the button and nothing happened. I pushed it a few more times and waited. Still nothing. Then I turned the flash over and looked directly in to it to see if maybe I could tell if the bulb was burned out. It was at that moment the flash went off. Sweet mother of all that is bright, I have never experienced a visual quite that intense. And I do not recommend it. It is almost five hours after the incident, and my eyes still hurt. At first I was seriously afraid I had done some damage. Now I just feel like an ass.

Tuesday, December 25, 2001

Nothing hurts more than losing someone you love. Nothing.

Monday, December 24, 2001

I've been really lonely lately. Don't know why. But last night as I was going to sleep, I thought about all the wonderful people in my life. Two in particular. And I wanted to cry--I was so happy. Happy to have met them. Happy they cared. Happy they were alive and well. These two have become so important to me, I don't know what I would do without them. We can talk until 2 in the morning about chess. We can talk until 2 in the morning about stress. He has been the one constant in my life for the past five years. Granted, our relationship has changed and completely redefined itself--and, in a way, continues to do so. And we have been through so much together. You have no idea. But I will always love him, and I will do anything for him. She is becoming my best girlfriend. And I haven't had that since high school. Someone who will tell me if me hair looks like shit, and it won't hurt any feelings. Someone I can call on a cold drive home to talk about the day's events. Someone who, when she hurts, I hurt to. Someone whose life I want to be perfect. zha, tosh, thank you so much for who you are, and who you've helped me to become. I love you both.

Sunday, December 23, 2001

I took a bubble bath last night to de-stress from all of the crazy holiday shopping. See, I work in retail. So it kind of sucks this time of year. However, I also work on commission, which doesn't suck so much. Lately I've been trying not to neglect my social life, so I neglect my sleep instead. I was supposed to go to Cory's last night for a small get-together, but didn't. After my bath, I decided to lay down for a while, because I seriously thought I was going to ralph up all of the chocolate from that day. I crawled straight from my hot bath into my cozy bed at around 9. At 10 Cory called to see if I was coming over, and I told him no. Then I thought, "I should do my dishes. But I'll nap for a bit more and do them in a sec." I woke up 9 hours later. And I feel great. So refreshed. Even though my dishes are grossing me out, I will be able to get through my 9 1/2 hour work day. I'll do the dishes tonight.

Saturday, December 22, 2001

There was a crying baby in the store. Sometimes I wish it was socially acceptable to scream my head off when I'm bored or cranky.

I ate so much Christmas junk today I think I might throw up.

Thursday, December 20, 2001

Sometimes I wish I had the power to stop time. Or randomly add an extra day into a week. Or maybe add a few hours onto a day. But in reality, what I need to do is manage my time better.

Wednesday, December 19, 2001

I talked to Paul yesterday for the first time since before Thanksgiving. And I wouldn't really classify it as a conversation. I doubt things will ever be good between us again, which makes me sad. Don't watch "Moulin Rouge" when you want to be in love.

When I write on my webpage, I write at home, by myself. It's personal. I forget that other people read it sometimes. And I have to be careful. Everything I say here I would say to anyone I know. However, there are things that I would talk about with close friends that I can't post here. Last week I had a party. And it was the most intense party experience I'd ever had. I've discussed the night's events with other people who attended, but it's not something I can post here. It's not up to me to disclose semi-private things about other people's lives. What if someone's mom were to read this? I've discussed the censoring thing before as it relates to my life. But as of late, I realized how it also relates to other's.

Friday, December 14, 2001

So many things. And they keep happening. Funny how life is like that. 1) Over the past few months, Tosha and I have become very close, and I'm very thankful for that. She is someone I want to be like. 2) I went on a cruise with my family. Everyone should do this, and the rates are really cheap right now. I had a ball, even though my sister and I were the youngest people there. The cruise was made up of 60-yr-old Jewish couples. 3) I had this party and the cops came. When they walked in, there was a group of people playing chess, and another group playing with my Mensa games. I was reading Bible passages with Foxy Boy who 4) turned out to be a huge disappointment. Once you get past the foxiness, there isn't much there that interests me. So I'm not pursuing that anymore. Which makes me sad, because at one point I had convinced myself that I actually wanted to date him, instead of having random hook-up times at different parties. He's so cute, but he's such a schmuck. 5) Paul, who I thought was the absolute most perfect guy I had dated, has since shown his true colors. He's been with Jessica since Labor Day, but we ended up getting back together shortly after that. He told her about us--sort of. He never fully explained the extent of our relationship to her, including the fact that he told me he loved me. Then we for real broke up and he "committed" himself to her. He's cheated on her a couple of times, and it makes me sick that I'm part of that equation. I have since removed myself from it, and we haven't spoken since before Thanksgiving. I really want to tell her, because I know he never will. There was a party that I almost went to, and not only was he there, but he brought her (she lives out of state). I would have said something to her. And Paul would have never spoken to me again. And that's fine. Why? Because I actually take responsibility for what I do. In Tosha's words, "he's a scab." I don't even know Jessica, but it pisses me off that he's doing this to this poor girl. She doesn't deserve it. No one does. A relationship built upon a foundation of lies will crumble and fall. And hurt people in the process.