I still hate moving. Hopefully by tomorrow I will have everything out of the Wendel's and into Tammy's. But that's only for 4 months, then another stupid move.

Because I don't see myself, everyone's reaction to my hair made me a little self-conscious by the end of the day. I mean, everyone loved it, but people were coming over to my desk or doing double-takes. In the morning I kept forgetting why, but by the afternoon it was routine. I just wish I had done something more than my usual pony tail, but I got in a little late last night, which meant roll out of bed into shower into car.

I love Sunday rehearsals!!!! I love the people and what we work on. I love improv! Which is the only reason I'm going tonight. I really need to finish moving and get some sleep, but I can't be away. I love watching and learning. Plus my friends are really talented, and I'm continually amazed.

Oh, and I still hate moving.

Exactly one year ago this weekend my mom went to the hospital because of a backache. She was admitted for several days and diagnosed with lymphoma.

This morning I wake up and my aunt informs me that my mom was admitted to the hospital again. This time with a headache, beet red forehead, and fever. It's a bacterial infection, she's on an IV drip, and will have to stay for several days. I don't know what it is. She's asleep now and I can't reach my dad to find out. But it's serious enough that she can't be treated at home. She has to stay there.

This time next year we are advising her to stay in her room for 3 days.



I love you, Mom.

In an ode to the Biddle Burnouts, I am Cinnaberry again. However, my hair is incredibly longer than it was 7 years ago, so this may take some getting used to.

Blood Rage

Oh, my goodness...I try not to let my job get to me. Sometimes I speak w/ people who are incredibly upset or angry. Most of the time I can handle it. Not right now, though. My face is flushed; my hands are tingling. I just got off the phone with a woman who screamed bloody murder in my ear using words that would make sailors blush. She told me I lied to her about when she would receive her payment. If there's anything in the world I hate, it's being accused of lying. Plus I had just talked to her two days ago and remember the conversation almost verbatim. I was trying very hard to remain calm, but the people around me could tell I was burning. For the first time since I've been at this position, I was short with a member. I told her she needed to calm down, and my tone wasn't exactly friendly. When the call was over, I was complimented with how I handled the situation; but that still doesn't change what she said to me and what I feel right now.

Deep breaths. Deep breaths.

At least I have a show to look forward to tonight.

I went to the gym today!! For the first time in I think at least a month. Now that the show is over I plan to do this regularly. I was going to go with Jessica tomorrow at 2, but that would mean getting up at 4, which isn't too far away. Plus there's a show tomorrow night. We haven't had an 8 person cast in a while.

The best part about today was the fact that after a healthy lunch and workout, I had 2 no-bake cookies, and we went for pizza at 10:30. On the upside, I thought the Apollo 12 show was great!

It gets easier, right?
I mean, eventually?
At some point?

Yes?

I'm moving in with Tammy for 4 months!!!

The show went well tonight, everyone loved it. Jose called to wish me luck as I was pulling in, and David text-ed to say congrats as I was leaving. Thanks for the bookend support, guys! :) That was cool.

I am so exhausted. I have more to write--about the move, about the show--but should try to get some sleep. Tomorrow: work, mary kay party, gym if I have enough time, show, brandey's birthday. Sunday: show, strike, cast party, musical improv (sadly, no church. although i have been promised sermon highlights). Monday: work, gym, improv. Tuesday: work, SLEEP. (seriously, I plan to go to bed as soon as I get home and not wake up until the next day)

Peace out, homies.

I have a new current favorite song.

send in the clowns, sinatra's version.

lovely.

Ah, the joys of tech week. I forgot what it feels like to function on 4 hours of sleep for 7 straight days. Can't wait until Tuesday. I will come straight home from work and go to bed. I will wake up 12 hours later refreshed and ready to exercise Wednesday morning. I am SUPER sad that I'm missing Matt's last show, and Jeremy's first one. I am SUPER sad that I haven't been able to perform or participate in rehearsals the past couple of weeks. But, I'm REALLY looking forward to Sunday night when I can dive back into the world of improv. I'm also looking forward to Saturday's and Sunday's SJ performances because friends are coming. It's definitely more fun to do a show when you know the audience.

In other news: I will go to the beach every weekend and learn how to surf! I will see Cog and Baby Wants Candy and take classes at IO. I will perform with my friends. I will meet Jack and tell him he was my favorite.

Oh, yeah, I got a bit of a raise today. Seeing as most people who've had reviews lately aren't getting one, I feel good about my fifty cents. Don't get me wrong, I still need a new job.

Jeff returns this weekend. I've missed your braniacness. And analyzing shows for an hour right after we've performed.

One to Colorado, one to Chicago, one to Japan. Then two to LA in Oct, plus the Colorado to LA move. Then I think two more by the end of this year. Tosh? Still coming? I'm shooting for Jan. I want to spend Christmas here, but I'll be a leavin' after that. I am finally officially excited about it.

Lots of change.

Rebirth

I feel like a huge weight has been lifted. I see the path and I'm ready to walk.

Letting go is the hardest thing in the world, but it is also the most freeing.

Do not underestimate the power of prayer.

I am so full of Love right now. It's giving me chills.

Another thing I hate about not having my own place is not knowing where things are. I have pictures I want to put up from Chicago, but my card reader is hiding. I didn't think I put it in the storage space, but it may be there. Grr. I need a new job.

So, Chicago. Eh, it was okay. I was ready to come home sooner than expected. Originally I was thinking about staying the whole week, but I'm REALLY glad I didn't. The improv was great, it was fun to hang out, it was SUPER to be off work, but I don't really like Chicago. It's big and gross and old and dirty and scary and claustrophobic and there are millions of people. I like that Phoenix is spread out. You're not directly on top of people. I landed Wed night and Amber came to pick me up. We went to OU together, and I haven't seen her since I think 1997. But it was SO GREAT to see her again!! We went straight to the hotel so I could shower and get dolled up for that night. The directions say 5 miles from the highway. 5. After driving 8 and still not seeing the street we needed, we turned back around, just in case we missed it. Nope. Still didn't see it. So I called the hotel. "Oh, yeah, 5 miles," says the guy on the other end. He give me some street names to pass and a few land marks, and we try again. Apparently he meant 5 GIANT miles. Because 12 miles later we found where we need to be. Whatever. But by this time we will not be eating dinner. So I shower and stuff and we leave to meet Mindy, Nanna, Specht, and Samwise. The show we were supposed to see that night was sold out really early, so we went to a bar instead. Now, I'm not much of a drinker (in fact, at the party the next night I had ice cream instead. Which, by the way, was much better), and I don't like beer (which was what they were having) so I had a couple of rum and cokes. Um, double shots. Which is the reason behind the posted phone call. Ben, Gilberto, and I didn't get back to the hotel until about 5 in the morning. Much too late for an old fogie like me. We shopped the next day, and saw the showcase that night. The showcase was awesome. I love improv with all my heart and soul, and it's killing me that I have to take all of next week off, too, for this show I'm in. That I really don't even want to be in anymore. Humph. Anyways. So we went to this rooftop party Thursday night, and I must say the view was spectacular. I got to see the Chicago skyline at night. Beautiful. I talked with some Phoenix people about the show I missed, which was nice b/c I wasn't really in a party mood. Got back to the hotel around 3 that night, I think. Friday was spent on Michigan Ave, and Friday night we saw Baby Wants Candy and Whirled News Tonight. Both were phenomenal! Did I mention I love improv? Walked around some more and ended up back at the hotel around 2. Left Sat morning. So, it was fun and stuff, but I was really glad to get home.

Saw Nanna's last show last night, which was really sad. But I'll see her again in LA. Oh, LA. I love you and I hate you at the same time.

Yikes, I just realized that I need to pick up Candy for rehearsal. Up next: Clark and how I love to put my foot in my mouth. :)

There will be more to come later, but here is a teaser of my few days here in Chicago. This is an email Heather sent me the day after I arrived. Amber picked me up from the airport Wednesday and we met up with the JesterZ for a night out. Amber, Heather, and I all went to college together, so Heather got to be the lucky one we drunk-dialed. Here is word for word her email:

Subj: Phone Transcript

-A detailed account of Heather Moyer's activities between 1:20am and 1:50am on August 11-

Heather is sleeping. She hears the phone ring, but she never answers the phone while she's
half-asleep because if it's really important, the person will call back right away.

In the background, Heather hears an oddly distorted message, but can't make it out as the
machine is too far away from the bedroom.

Suddenly, Heather's cell phone rings. Her stomach drops because that now means someone is dead
or something is on fire. Amy grumbles about who the hell is calling us right now.

Heather gets up, staggers into the living room, steps on the cat, steps on the cat's sharp toy,
and then turns the light on. The cell phone has stopped ringing, so Heather listens to the
message on the machine.

The following is a transcript of that message on the home phone number's answering machine:
----------
(loud noise and garbled words), HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH, CRAP, SHIT, WHAT? HAHAHAHAHAH
aslgijwogijwerovijnoivjhioerjhvboijhweroibhoi!!!!!
*beep*
------------

Now Heather listens to the message on her cell phone's voicemail. The following is a transcript
of that message:

------------
(very loud background noise)
Okay Heather. this is Ashley and Amber, for real. We're leaving you a message, we would like to
apologize for whatever message is on your phone. HAHAHA!!!!!!!!!

And now we are clearly drunk, ahhahahahahahhahahahaha!!!!!!!
laishfolahifsadghiwiouvbhuiweb!!!!!!!!!!

Mindy is someone I know who Amber only met tonight and Mindy is using Amber's vibrator in her
nether regions!!!!!

hahahhaahfgoaihgwoirhgouwerhgvaosifhoaihvoahvoh!!!!!!!!!
*beep*
------------

Heather's lovely wife rolls over to ask what's going on after hearing Heather say, "Those
fuckers" while laughing.

For the next 20 minutes as Heather tries to go back to sleep, she will just start to doze off
and then start giggling uncontrollably at what the hell just happened. The words "nether
regions" keep making her crack up and Amy is getting irritated that Heather keeps shaking the
bed with her laughter.

FIN

10:45 and I haven't even started packing. Must be at Tammy's house @ 6 am. The computer is sucking the life out of me!!! Not really. I just like looking at maps. So, if anyone is restless and can't sleep, I'm wide awake--feel free to call. Eventually I'll pack.

P.S. I totally made a new connection today. Mike, thank you for the email.

Candy: "You're really afraid of falling?"
Me: "Are you kidding? I almost broke my leg sunbathing! Which consists of LAYING ON YOUR BACK. So, yes, I think dancing 4 feet above the ground is a little nerve-wracking."

Oh, Orlando Bloom, why must you torment me so?

I would rather do this in person or have a phone conversation, but I'm not sure you'd be down with that. Asking for your email or cell number would be a bit invasive (I think), and I've already managed to do enough damage. I don't know, maybe not. Either way, I really want to get this out, and this seems to be the only medium. So, everyone else, please disregard this post.

I totally didn't mean anything in a hurtful way. At all. I just felt this bizarre connection to you at that moment and wanted to share. I had a similar struggle. Literally, almost the exact same thoughts: well, I'm going to do this but if nobody else does, what's the point? And maybe I'm making things worse through this post. I don't want to! I know we'll never be best friends; we'll probably never go out for coffee or shopping. But I don't want there to be animosity. You are a great person I would genuinely like to know better. Yet I completely understand if that's not possible. I will not be an obstacle in whatever you guys are going through. I am taking myself out of the picture. I am truly, truly sorry for anything I've done to hurt you, and am asking for forgiveness.

Truce?
*meekly waves white flag*

I used to watch a lot of TV and movies, but for the past couple of months I've been too busy for that. Today I broke out an old Buffy episode I've been craving. Once More With Feeling. And I remembered why I watched so much and why I stopped. It's sort of inspiring. Like, if I was a painter, going to an art museum is inspiring. I'm an actor, so watching film/tv inspires me. But I stopped because I can really get caught up in that world. Make-believe. I can get stuck in my head and pretend my life away.

Right now, however, I need that escape. And so I can't wait for Wednesday. To get away from it all for a while. To step out of my current reality. To see and hopefully participate in some really great improv. To not be at work. Oh, to not be at work. Then to fully submerse myself in tech week. It will be stressful and sleepless, but in a different way than the last few weeks have been. I hope you all got your tickets to SJ. I think Sat is sold out now.

Each Buffy DVD has a different cut of a conversation on the insert. Here is the one for Season 6:
Buffy: I do want you. Being with you...makes things...simpler. For a little while.
Spike: I don't call five hours straight a little while.
Buffy: I'm using you. I can't love you. I'm just...being weak and selfish.

Well, apparently I was not supposed to do improv tonight. Which sucks because we had a great show Thursday and tomorrow I'm doing the musical improv stuff. I really wanted to go to this show and jam tonight, but it was not in the cards. When I came home from my day with Candy, I tried to get online to get directions. But my network wasn't working. Since I've decided to do as little damage to the Wendel's stuff as possible, I waited until Bob came home before we tried to fix anything. At this point, I was going to miss the show, but I had plenty of time to get to the jam. I get my directions and head out; even though my heart wasn't really in it because I haven't slept much in the past two days, and I'd rather be in bed. So I get to McDowell and the 17. There are two left turn lanes. Seeing as I need to make an almost immediate right, I get into the right-left lane. There is a white van in the left-left lane. We get the green arrow and he decides to go straight. This forces me to make a quick decision: plow into his passenger side, or continue going straight. I decided against the accident. But now I'm forced onto a one-way access road for another mile. I turn left on Van Buren and try to find the Grand intersection. Now, I've never been in this area before, but I figure if I hit Central, there isn't a Grand intersection at Van Buren. Which turned out to be the case. So I head back north on Central to McDowell. OK, I'm 20 minutes late at this point, but I can still make it. I find the Grand intersection, but wouldn't you know it, you can't turn left going this direction. SCREW IT! I get back on the highway and drive home. Well, at least now I can go to bed. Ugh.

45 minutes to go...

Holy crap I'm bored. Do you ever have those days where each minute takes four hours to tick by? That's today for me. This week has flown by, but today I seem to be stuck. 1 hour, 42 minutes left in my work day. Ugh. Help.

Reason 4972 how life is cyclical:

Almost exactly two years to the date, I am having almost exactly the same experience.

It's official, I'm exhausted. Spent most of Saturday and Sunday packing and moving. I have random bruises on me, most notably three circular ones on my right thigh. It looks like a crop circle and I have no idea what caused it. I had a KILLER rehearsal experience Sunday night. Some people from different improv troupes are getting together to work on musical improv. It terrifies and excites me at the same time.

Everything I own was in my room for a night. I stopped un/packing to go to rehearsal, then came home to a train wreck. You could literally jump onto my bed, and that's it. I had to step in things to get to my clothes. So today I rented a storage space. Came straight home from work to figure out what I could keep there, packed, took a load, came back, ate, went to JesterZ. Matt won't be directing us anymore. This makes me sad. I mean, I knew he wouldn't stay forever, but I guess I was on purpose forgetting it. I've really learned a lot from this guy and hope I've applied some of the stuff. He pushes me to be better. I like that.

I'm ready for a home. I feel so transient. I think most of it has to do with the moving. I'm so sick of moving. I'm sick of not having a place that is mine. I was driving to JesterZ today and almost cried because of the beauty of the mountains. It sounds so silly, but if you saw what I saw, you would understand. I've said it before, but it's still true: I feel more at home in Phoenix than anywhere else. I feel like things are about to change here. With improv, with film, with everything. And I want to be here. To experience it. To see what new will come. I have friends out here. Really good friends. Not just acquaintances. LA will never go anywhere. It will be there next pilot season. This is the hardest lesson for me right now: STOP CONTROLLING EVERYTHING!!! By planning for one thing, I'm holding other aspects back.

For instance: I want a place of my own. I feel like a burden to N&B--which I'm not. But after moving all of my stuff and putting it into a storage space, I realized how much I miss living alone. Little things, like going to the bathroom in the middle of the night without a robe. Big things, like feeling guilty about not paying rent, about not holding my own. But because I'm so fixated on this move, I'm not looking for another job. I'm really good at what I do. I'm really good with handling/dealing with/talking to people. I like fixing problems and that's exactly what I do all day long. But I could make about $4 more an hour with another company. So why am I not? Because what's the point if I'm not going to be here in 6 months? But what if I am? I should not be holding myself back for the promise of the future. And so what if I do leave in 6 months? I will just have that much more saved up from a new job.

I think I'm all restless inside because a huge event took place this weekend. My 'divorce' was finalized. Our stuff is officially split. There is no apartment to go to. I will not know what he had for dinner b/c the wrapper is laying by the computer. I think one of the things that helped me through it all was not seeing him much. Because it was so hard this weekend. I found an old letter that I had saved that was before we moved out here. And I just read it and cried. I really wish things were different sometimes. I wish I could have been that person for you. But I'm not. She's out there, but it's not me. And that realization is killer. I remember going through a similar thing with zha. When he started dating Astrea, it destroyed me that they could have philosophical conversations that I couldn't have with him. I couldn't be that person for him. But I got over it, realized that we can still have a relationship, and now he's one of my very best friends in my whole life. And he will be forever. But it's the letting go that's the hardest. I tried to force a relationship with Paul, and I think if that had continued, we wouldn't be on speaking terms now. I think it would have ended in fighting and resenting each other. But as it is now, I still care about him, I still want to know what's going on in his life. It was over before it got bad. I'm really thankful for that. We text messaged last night and I really missed him.

*purge* Whew. OK, that's out. So much for going to bed early. I guess I'm still right where I started: lost. But on the right track. Like a fog is going to lift soon. On its own. I can do nothing to affect the fog's thickness or when it will break. I just have to be ready to see what's out there.

Everything I touch breaks.

N&B came home Saturday evening and I have somehow managed to destroy Bob's computer. I don't know what the heck happened, but all this stuff is downloaded onto his desktop and he's afraid that people can access his account info. I hardly used the computer while they were gone b/c all those pop-ups were annoying. Anyway, he's going to have to reformat the hard drive, and they have a TON of stuff to reinstall. I feel so amazingly horrid for that.

Then I broke one of Paul's wine glasses while I was loading my bike into the van. But to be fair, he just had them laying on the floor van wrapped in a towel.

Then I bought a network card for my computer so I could access the internet. I needed to get some info before a rehearsal last night. I loaded everything, was able to get on and get my stuff, no problem. I come back 3 hours later to finally sit down, read friends' journals, check email, and the network isn't working. I call the 1-800 number. My computer is recognizing there's a network there, but it's not connecting. The tech guy doesn't know why. He wants me to log on to the main computer and reconfigure that network. Well, I can't b/c it's broken. I don't understand what happened in 3 hours when no one touched anything. So tonight I'm going to uninstall and reinstall my network card. Hopefully that will help.

Then I just dumped freezing cold tea down the front of my shirt. They keep it at about 68 degrees in this office and I have ice down my right side.

I give up.