It's official, I'm exhausted. Spent most of Saturday and Sunday packing and moving. I have random bruises on me, most notably three circular ones on my right thigh. It looks like a crop circle and I have no idea what caused it. I had a KILLER rehearsal experience Sunday night. Some people from different improv troupes are getting together to work on musical improv. It terrifies and excites me at the same time.
Everything I own was in my room for a night. I stopped un/packing to go to rehearsal, then came home to a train wreck. You could literally jump onto my bed, and that's it. I had to step in things to get to my clothes. So today I rented a storage space. Came straight home from work to figure out what I could keep there, packed, took a load, came back, ate, went to JesterZ. Matt won't be directing us anymore. This makes me sad. I mean, I knew he wouldn't stay forever, but I guess I was on purpose forgetting it. I've really learned a lot from this guy and hope I've applied some of the stuff. He pushes me to be better. I like that.
I'm ready for a home. I feel so transient. I think most of it has to do with the moving. I'm so sick of moving. I'm sick of not having a place that is mine. I was driving to JesterZ today and almost cried because of the beauty of the mountains. It sounds so silly, but if you saw what I saw, you would understand. I've said it before, but it's still true: I feel more at home in Phoenix than anywhere else. I feel like things are about to change here. With improv, with film, with everything. And I want to be here. To experience it. To see what new will come. I have friends out here. Really good friends. Not just acquaintances. LA will never go anywhere. It will be there next pilot season. This is the hardest lesson for me right now: STOP CONTROLLING EVERYTHING!!! By planning for one thing, I'm holding other aspects back.
For instance: I want a place of my own. I feel like a burden to N&B--which I'm not. But after moving all of my stuff and putting it into a storage space, I realized how much I miss living alone. Little things, like going to the bathroom in the middle of the night without a robe. Big things, like feeling guilty about not paying rent, about not holding my own. But because I'm so fixated on this move, I'm not looking for another job. I'm really good at what I do. I'm really good with handling/dealing with/talking to people. I like fixing problems and that's exactly what I do all day long. But I could make about $4 more an hour with another company. So why am I not? Because what's the point if I'm not going to be here in 6 months? But what if I am? I should not be holding myself back for the promise of the future. And so what if I do leave in 6 months? I will just have that much more saved up from a new job.
I think I'm all restless inside because a huge event took place this weekend. My 'divorce' was finalized. Our stuff is officially split. There is no apartment to go to. I will not know what he had for dinner b/c the wrapper is laying by the computer. I think one of the things that helped me through it all was not seeing him much. Because it was so hard this weekend. I found an old letter that I had saved that was before we moved out here. And I just read it and cried. I really wish things were different sometimes. I wish I could have been that person for you. But I'm not. She's out there, but it's not me. And that realization is killer. I remember going through a similar thing with zha. When he started dating Astrea, it destroyed me that they could have philosophical conversations that I couldn't have with him. I couldn't be that person for him. But I got over it, realized that we can still have a relationship, and now he's one of my very best friends in my whole life. And he will be forever. But it's the letting go that's the hardest. I tried to force a relationship with Paul, and I think if that had continued, we wouldn't be on speaking terms now. I think it would have ended in fighting and resenting each other. But as it is now, I still care about him, I still want to know what's going on in his life. It was over before it got bad. I'm really thankful for that. We text messaged last night and I really missed him.
*purge* Whew. OK, that's out. So much for going to bed early. I guess I'm still right where I started: lost. But on the right track. Like a fog is going to lift soon. On its own. I can do nothing to affect the fog's thickness or when it will break. I just have to be ready to see what's out there.
Everything I own was in my room for a night. I stopped un/packing to go to rehearsal, then came home to a train wreck. You could literally jump onto my bed, and that's it. I had to step in things to get to my clothes. So today I rented a storage space. Came straight home from work to figure out what I could keep there, packed, took a load, came back, ate, went to JesterZ. Matt won't be directing us anymore. This makes me sad. I mean, I knew he wouldn't stay forever, but I guess I was on purpose forgetting it. I've really learned a lot from this guy and hope I've applied some of the stuff. He pushes me to be better. I like that.
I'm ready for a home. I feel so transient. I think most of it has to do with the moving. I'm so sick of moving. I'm sick of not having a place that is mine. I was driving to JesterZ today and almost cried because of the beauty of the mountains. It sounds so silly, but if you saw what I saw, you would understand. I've said it before, but it's still true: I feel more at home in Phoenix than anywhere else. I feel like things are about to change here. With improv, with film, with everything. And I want to be here. To experience it. To see what new will come. I have friends out here. Really good friends. Not just acquaintances. LA will never go anywhere. It will be there next pilot season. This is the hardest lesson for me right now: STOP CONTROLLING EVERYTHING!!! By planning for one thing, I'm holding other aspects back.
For instance: I want a place of my own. I feel like a burden to N&B--which I'm not. But after moving all of my stuff and putting it into a storage space, I realized how much I miss living alone. Little things, like going to the bathroom in the middle of the night without a robe. Big things, like feeling guilty about not paying rent, about not holding my own. But because I'm so fixated on this move, I'm not looking for another job. I'm really good at what I do. I'm really good with handling/dealing with/talking to people. I like fixing problems and that's exactly what I do all day long. But I could make about $4 more an hour with another company. So why am I not? Because what's the point if I'm not going to be here in 6 months? But what if I am? I should not be holding myself back for the promise of the future. And so what if I do leave in 6 months? I will just have that much more saved up from a new job.
I think I'm all restless inside because a huge event took place this weekend. My 'divorce' was finalized. Our stuff is officially split. There is no apartment to go to. I will not know what he had for dinner b/c the wrapper is laying by the computer. I think one of the things that helped me through it all was not seeing him much. Because it was so hard this weekend. I found an old letter that I had saved that was before we moved out here. And I just read it and cried. I really wish things were different sometimes. I wish I could have been that person for you. But I'm not. She's out there, but it's not me. And that realization is killer. I remember going through a similar thing with zha. When he started dating Astrea, it destroyed me that they could have philosophical conversations that I couldn't have with him. I couldn't be that person for him. But I got over it, realized that we can still have a relationship, and now he's one of my very best friends in my whole life. And he will be forever. But it's the letting go that's the hardest. I tried to force a relationship with Paul, and I think if that had continued, we wouldn't be on speaking terms now. I think it would have ended in fighting and resenting each other. But as it is now, I still care about him, I still want to know what's going on in his life. It was over before it got bad. I'm really thankful for that. We text messaged last night and I really missed him.
*purge* Whew. OK, that's out. So much for going to bed early. I guess I'm still right where I started: lost. But on the right track. Like a fog is going to lift soon. On its own. I can do nothing to affect the fog's thickness or when it will break. I just have to be ready to see what's out there.
posted by a c at
10:25 PM
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