I've been reading postsecret for a few years. I even bought one of the books last year. Today is the first time I read a secret and connected so much I cried.

I took a typing class my junior or senior year in high school. Whenever the OJ Simpson trial was going on, because I remember watching the verdict during that class. Wait, maybe I was a sophomore. Anyway, that class taught me the proper way to type. Today I was signing in to my work station, but I was standing, so it was easier to look at the keyboard than the screen. And I went slower. It was harder to type looking at the actual keys.

Weird.

I put up some new pictures on my flickr account. Check 'em out.

Celebrity Sighting # 3

Yesterday was a horrible day at work. Because of the wedding and out of towners, I only had 3 days to do 160 claims. Which would have been fine if I'd done 60 claims each day. But because of system problems and staying up too late and sleeping in and improv, I had to do 75 claims yesterday. At 9, I breathed a huge sigh of relief and drove to Korea Town to pick up Buol and Chris Gaede. We went to Swingers, which is a really good diner-type thing. The waitresses are all alternative-indie hot, which I think is a big appeal for the boys.

Anyway, I didn't have my glasses on (my eyes hurt when I look at up close things), so this guy a few tables away was pretty fuzzy. But he was heavily tattooed and had very specific facial hair. I put my glasses on to get a better look.

Me: Is that...
Chris: Oh yeah.
Buol: Why do I have to be facing the wrong direction?
Me: Dave Navarro.

I have had "Hold Me Closer Tiny Dancer" stuck in my head all day. I'm not even sure if that's the actual name of the Elton John song. But it won't go away!!!

The wedding/weekend was awesome.

Can't wait to get a digital SLR camera.

Pictures and stories to come. For now, though, I must work.

It's raining today.

There's a person I've known for a long time. And I thought we could just be friends. But I don't think we can. And it's never going to go anywhere. So, I don't know what to do. Do we completely stop hanging out? It's hard to be really good friends with someone and yet still have to let that go.

I'm tired of letting go.

It makes me sad.

I went out last night for Dustin's birthday. Ended up meeting Buol afterwards and hitting a bar for last call. He was house-sitting and I was in no shape to drive, so I stayed. We hung out for a while then threw in Dark Crystal and didn't go to sleep. At 7 I bolted b/c I needed to meet the Direct TV guy between 8 & 12. Mike assured me that I needed to take the 405 south to the 10. Knowing nothing about this part of town, I trusted. After a few minutes, though, it just didn't feel right. I don't know the highways in this area at all, but I was sure I should've hit the 10 at that point. So I call. He looks around for a map and is unsuccessful. He says go a little farther. I pass the 710 (or whatever is the 7XX freeway). I stop trusting him and turn around. The 405 north is crammed. After 45 minutes, I'm finally back to the exit of where he's staying. I'm super tired and was able to reschedule the Direct TV guy. So I head back to the apartment to crash on the couch for a couple of hours and let the traffic thin out. (p.s. for future reference, the 10 is NORTH of the 405.)

But after about 800 calls and several knocks at the door, I give up. That bird can sleep. Faith calls. I'm bordering getting upset. You know when you're super tired and your emotions are raw? So, I tell her what is up, then get off the phone and decide to sit through traffic. An hour later I'm on the 5, almost home. But I'm feeling very dozy. So I shake my head to be more alert. Traffic was stop and go. Apparently at that exact moment, it was stop and I was go. I slam on my brand new brakes and my brand new tires screech to a halt. But not soon enough. I effing hit the car in front of me.

I'm shaking horribly when I get out to survey the damage. Luckily, I only knocked off his license plate, which was conveniently under my right rear tire. I gave him my information, and we went on our way.

This is the shittiest day. And it's not even 10:30, folks.

Well, tonight begins the Long Party Weekend. People are in from out of town for BD's wedding. Clippard and her date arrive Saturday morning and are staying with me. Which is nice, b/c Faith is back in AZ, so I won't be so lonely.

I get to see Tosha tonight at Dustin's bday bash. I can't wait!!! Saturday we're all going to iO to watch Dustin's troupe, Rigor Tortoise. Plus, Caroline is already planning a lunch and Kristin and I are doing dinner. Sunday is the wedding, so I'll be in Malibu all day. Not too shabby. I will probably spend that morning getting their gift and wrapping it, cuz that's the kinda friend I am. Monday is Tosha Day. I'm taking her to the Stinking Rose for her bday lunch (which was actually the 18th), then dropping her and Craig at the airport. LAX, unfortunately. So, I probably won't sleep until Monday night. But this weekend has all the makings of fun.

Oh, and tomorrow the Direct TV guy is coming! Hooray! I get TiVo again! Just in time for the fall season to start.

Well, seeing as I haven't worked all day, I should probably get to that.

Celebrity Sighting #2

Last night I went with Faith to the Egyptian to watch Across the Universe. It was a special showing with a Q&A with Julie Taymor (who I happen to think is a genius) and the two writers. There was a little red carpet and some press. The cast was there, doing their thing, and who should walk by but Kate Bosworth!

Then I watched the weirdest scene unfold: At the beginning of the red carpet were all the photographers. Once they had enough of you, you walked down and were interviewed on camera or tape. One of the cast members was getting his picture taken, and Kate was waiting patiently to enter the scene. She was standing about 5 feet away from the press. Then, she jumps into the pictures with the lead guy. The photographers go nuts! The flashes quadruple and everyone is yelling her name and telling her to turn this way and put her hand here. It was so bizarre!! I mean, just seconds before they were pretending she didn't exist. Then when she hit the red carpet, they couldn't get enough of her.

And I was oh-so-sad she's not still with Orlando. Because that would have been the happiest day of my life. Also, Kate Bosworth is a wee little thing. The woman standing next to us had a ham sandwich, and I wanted to run over and shove it down little Katie's throat.

Celebrity Sighting # 1

Well, at least the first one I'll count. Tim Meadows performs weekly, and Andy Dick is always around. So, although I see them, I don't count them. The celebrity sighting is someone who has nothing to do with iO.

OK,

EFFING LUKE FROM THE O.C.! Faith and I went to watch shows last night and he was in the bar. He looked familiar--like he was on a team or something. I couldn't place him until we were walking up the stairs, and it hit me!

I called Paul this morning to tell him. We watched that show religiously. He appreciated it. And knew Luke's real name (which I silently laughed at).

After X amount of relationships you start to question your self-worth. I mean, I know that I'm a great person and everything, but the common denominator in all of my failed relationships is me, you know? And, yeah, I understand the things that went wrong in each of them that have nothing to do with me. Matt and I were too young. Paul and I were too different. Worst Mistake was not even someone I would have been friends with under normal circumstances. The Schmuck was fine to begin with, then turned out to be...well...a schmuck. Foxy Boy was just a fling that lasted a while. But with Justin...I don't know. I thought we had something really great. And, yeah, distance was a factor and he's incredibly busy.

But last night I checked myspace. I haven't been on there in forever, but a new improv friend has been messaging me. I was going through and cleaning out my inbox when I saw a note from Justin from months ago. I clicked on his page to see what was up in his world, since I no longer get daily reports. And it's so stupid that this even stung, but the little thing where you list why you're on--you know: friends, networking, etc--he had listed dating. My first thought was, why the hell am I checking his page? And my second thought was, man, that was fast. Did I not mean anything? You're ready to get back up on the horse so soon?

And it's stupid that I let that bug me. I mean, what he does with his life is his business, not mine, obviously. But it still hurt. I miss him. I miss emailing him and hearing about his day. I miss the updates about shows and the theater. I miss the phone calls on his way home from work. I miss my friend. I think that's the one I miss the most. Forget the romantic aspect of our relationship, I feel like I've lost a friend.

Ugh, I sound like such a whiny little baby. I promise, this is my last post about him.

Faith and I just got back from the gym. We've decided to barter services. I'm going to be her personal trainer and she's going to be my personal yoga instructor. It works out well for both of us.

Tonight I will be back at iO to watch Opening Night: The Musical. I'm trying to decide if it's my favorite because they're so good, or if it's my favorite because I miss The Remainders so much. If Dassie was in it, then I would know for sure which one. He hasn't replaced My McBrayer. But since Jack is in NYC and I can't watch him perform every week, Bob is now stealing my improv heart.

Today I go to the beach. I can't work b/c I've worked the last 6 days and by my contract and California law, I'm not allowed to work more than 6 in a row. Granted, they haven't been 6 full days. I worked about 4 hours each day. So, anyway, Buol is going to give me one last surfing lesson (he doesn't have a wetsuit and the water is getting horribly cold). The waves will be empty, as it's a work day and school is back in session. So, hopefully I'll actually stand up! That would be great.

I woke up today not feeling so bad. Off to a good start. And I'll be distracted most of the day, so I think this one might be tear-free!! Faith, on the other hand, got wasted last night, came home, and threw up. She will not be having a great day. I will go check on her now.

I know that it will hurt less after a while. I know that there will be a day that I will actually not cry. I know that knotted feeling in my stomach will go away. I know that I will get over it.

I know all this.

I guess I just have to push through until that day comes.

Saw an Armando last night. Came home and immediately wanted to email Justin b/c I did Stool Pigeon when I was in Austin once and wanted to talk about the differences and how much I loves me some Bob Dassie. Seeing as though he dumped me a mere hours before, I thought it best I don't. So I posted to lj. It's not like we're never going to speak again. It's just that...well...I guess I thought it was too soon to be bugging him with emails about improv.

Didn't sleep that well last night. Lots of dreams:
1. I put together a puzzle. That was the entire dream. Finding the pieces and making a picture. In real time. It was the strangest dream.
2. I was visiting in Austin and helped Justin with the payouts. He worked on his computer doing other ColdTowne stuff and I sat on his bed and balanced the cashbox from the shows and did payouts.

So, two weirdly boring, realistic dreams. Then:
3. It was my old neighborhood. The house behind us belonged to the Neefs. I used to babysit Jason and Jessica. Except, in my dream the house was owned by Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes. And I went over there to babysit Suri. She took me up into her room, which was at the top of the house. It's hard to explain the layout, but it was almost as if her bedroom room was floating 50 feet above the living room. I was terrified of heights.
4. I was in a bed in a room I'd never seen before. I was wearing the shirt in my dream that I actually slept in last night. ColdTowne comes in to comfort me. Tami gets under the covers with me and puts her hand on my shoulder. Jastroch kept trying to nail down the exact time we broke up. "Was it when I was home?" "No, it was after I left Austin." "Was I in the room?" "No, it was over the phone." He just couldn't understand when. Arthur was very quiet. Chris was buzzing all over the room putting up plants and hanging finger paintings. "Don't worry, I'll coach your team."

I got out of bed, not because I'm not tired--I only got about 6 hours of sleep (which, yes, may be fine to some people, but I really need 8)--but because I didn't want to lie in bed anymore and think about him.

Oh, I got my very first passport yesterday. They said it wouldn't come til October. But I can officially travel outside the US now.

Well, it's over. At least I don't feel like I'm going to throw up anymore. The past 5 days have been so hard with the not knowing. I mean, obviously I'm completely miserable with his decision, but at least a decision has been made. And I've done enough crying this weekend that I don't really have much left in me.

Blinders on. Focus on improv.

The end.

I hate my haircut.

I haven't made the official statement until now. People, I don't care how cute you think it is, I miss my chin-length hair. A couple of months ago I was literally going in to have it trimmed/shaped so I could grow it out. But instead I did the opposite. And I've been living with the consequences ever since.

It's going to take forever to grow out.

*Harrumph*

today sucked. and it's not over yet, kiddies.

It's funny. I've been having huge realizations about things lately. Now, it's impossible to just snap and change things, but it's happening. Yesterday I was walking out of the kitchen and I saw a coupon for a carpet cleaner. When I lived in my apartment in OH for 2.5 years, I had my carpet cleaned a couple of times. So, when I saw this coupon, I thought, well, if Faith and I are here another year, we should get our carpets cleaned.

But then I started thinking about all the things that can happen in a year. Faith is auditioning for Disney Tokyo. If she doesn't get that, she's going to travel. Well, even if she does get it, she's going to travel, it's just a matter of when. So, I may not even have her as a roommate next year. Would I then live by myself? Get another roommate? What will Courtney be doing? Will she need a place? What about zha?

Last night Faith and I were sitting downstairs. I was reading, she was doing sudoku. There were a bunch of people at the pool. A girl's voice carried part of a sentence that we clearly heard: "...well, the impact on my acting career..." Faith and I looked at each other and started laughing so hard. When I think about the clichés that are here...I don't know...it's not something I can deal with the rest of my life. For a little while, yeah. But not forever. But, you know, what if I audition for pilot season and get an amazing job or something?

When I was in Austin, several people asked if/when I would move there. I don't want to move for a guy. I can't. It's too much pressure. Paul did that for me, and we were together much longer than we should have been because of it. I had major guilt issues. He left everything for me. Not that I asked. He just did. And so I felt responsible for him. So, how did I answer those people? Honestly. Austin was on my radar before I even really knew Justin. And working at the festival--even though I didn't do much--felt good. So, when I answered them, I kept him out of the equation. But also answered with a "who knows what will happen?" I'm committed to California for the time being.

Anyway, all of this goes through my head in less than a second. Looking at a stupid coupon and wondering where I'll be in a year. Wondering what friends I will make through iO. Wondering when Clif and I will perform. Wondering what my sister's gonna do. I've been having these trying-not-to-plan-everything mini-realizations lately, but for some reason, the coupon really sunk in. And I thought, wow, that's a whole year away. There's nothing I can do about it now. So I need to stop living my life for the future and start living it for the present. I mean, I almost canceled my trip for the stupidest of reasons that wouldn't have even come up if I was living in the Here/Now.

I know I'm not going to be able to get rid of 29 years of being such a planner over night. But it's changing slowly. And that's such a huge relief. Because it's exhausting to over-analyze everything. Plus, you set yourself up for these giant goals way down the road that are ridiculous.

For instance: growing up I always thought I'd be married by 22, 1st kid around 25, 2nd kid by 30. And I felt like a failure when that didn't happen. Not only to myself, but to my parents. And it took me a while to realize that my folks are just happy that I'm doing what I am with my life. They are proud of me. They love me. They're not disappointed that I haven't produced any grandkids for them. It was this stupid pressure I was putting on myself that completely didn't exist.

And although all those thoughts about what's going to happen over the next year popped into my head when I saw that carpet cleaning coupon, it was nice to laugh about it and walk away.

back and exhausted.

saw a tiny bit of improv--actually ended up volunteering more than i saw shows. which was fine, because everything i saw was free. except for the coldtowne show. i paid for that (they get a cut of the door and i must support my peeps!)

parties 3 nights in a row for a girl who doesn't party is hazardous to your health. the first night i pushed through til i want to say 5 am. the second night i took justin's car and went back to his house to read for about an hour before they called for a ride. the third night at 3:30 i crashed in his backseat. until the most uncomfortable moment of my life: a heavy conversation which ended in crying taking place right outside the car. i pretended to be invisible and tried oh-so-hard not to listen. too bad muffliato isn't real.

monday was wonderful. slept in. cuddled on couch watching tv all day. very nice. and relaxing. cooked for the boys so they will have leftovers this week. but i bet the food won't last much past today. 3 boys can devour quite a bit. my flight was at 6:40 this morning, so i'm still wicked tired. i'm supposed to be working right now, but i think i will take today off. or at least take a nap and work later tonight.

another iO class tomorrow night!!! i saw some pretty bad improv this weekend. which makes me want to be in a troupe and perform in festivals!!! or, just be in a troupe and perform. i don't care where. come to my house and sit on my couch and i will do scenes for you.

oh, improv, how do i love thee.