endeavors

Wednesday, September 05, 2007

It's funny. I've been having huge realizations about things lately. Now, it's impossible to just snap and change things, but it's happening. Yesterday I was walking out of the kitchen and I saw a coupon for a carpet cleaner. When I lived in my apartment in OH for 2.5 years, I had my carpet cleaned a couple of times. So, when I saw this coupon, I thought, well, if Faith and I are here another year, we should get our carpets cleaned.

But then I started thinking about all the things that can happen in a year. Faith is auditioning for Disney Tokyo. If she doesn't get that, she's going to travel. Well, even if she does get it, she's going to travel, it's just a matter of when. So, I may not even have her as a roommate next year. Would I then live by myself? Get another roommate? What will Courtney be doing? Will she need a place? What about zha?

Last night Faith and I were sitting downstairs. I was reading, she was doing sudoku. There were a bunch of people at the pool. A girl's voice carried part of a sentence that we clearly heard: "...well, the impact on my acting career..." Faith and I looked at each other and started laughing so hard. When I think about the clich├ęs that are here...I don't know...it's not something I can deal with the rest of my life. For a little while, yeah. But not forever. But, you know, what if I audition for pilot season and get an amazing job or something?

When I was in Austin, several people asked if/when I would move there. I don't want to move for a guy. I can't. It's too much pressure. Paul did that for me, and we were together much longer than we should have been because of it. I had major guilt issues. He left everything for me. Not that I asked. He just did. And so I felt responsible for him. So, how did I answer those people? Honestly. Austin was on my radar before I even really knew Justin. And working at the festival--even though I didn't do much--felt good. So, when I answered them, I kept him out of the equation. But also answered with a "who knows what will happen?" I'm committed to California for the time being.

Anyway, all of this goes through my head in less than a second. Looking at a stupid coupon and wondering where I'll be in a year. Wondering what friends I will make through iO. Wondering when Clif and I will perform. Wondering what my sister's gonna do. I've been having these trying-not-to-plan-everything mini-realizations lately, but for some reason, the coupon really sunk in. And I thought, wow, that's a whole year away. There's nothing I can do about it now. So I need to stop living my life for the future and start living it for the present. I mean, I almost canceled my trip for the stupidest of reasons that wouldn't have even come up if I was living in the Here/Now.

I know I'm not going to be able to get rid of 29 years of being such a planner over night. But it's changing slowly. And that's such a huge relief. Because it's exhausting to over-analyze everything. Plus, you set yourself up for these giant goals way down the road that are ridiculous.

For instance: growing up I always thought I'd be married by 22, 1st kid around 25, 2nd kid by 30. And I felt like a failure when that didn't happen. Not only to myself, but to my parents. And it took me a while to realize that my folks are just happy that I'm doing what I am with my life. They are proud of me. They love me. They're not disappointed that I haven't produced any grandkids for them. It was this stupid pressure I was putting on myself that completely didn't exist.

And although all those thoughts about what's going to happen over the next year popped into my head when I saw that carpet cleaning coupon, it was nice to laugh about it and walk away.

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