Saturday, September 15, 2007

After X amount of relationships you start to question your self-worth. I mean, I know that I'm a great person and everything, but the common denominator in all of my failed relationships is me, you know? And, yeah, I understand the things that went wrong in each of them that have nothing to do with me. Matt and I were too young. Paul and I were too different. Worst Mistake was not even someone I would have been friends with under normal circumstances. The Schmuck was fine to begin with, then turned out to be...well...a schmuck. Foxy Boy was just a fling that lasted a while. But with Justin...I don't know. I thought we had something really great. And, yeah, distance was a factor and he's incredibly busy.

But last night I checked myspace. I haven't been on there in forever, but a new improv friend has been messaging me. I was going through and cleaning out my inbox when I saw a note from Justin from months ago. I clicked on his page to see what was up in his world, since I no longer get daily reports. And it's so stupid that this even stung, but the little thing where you list why you're on--you know: friends, networking, etc--he had listed dating. My first thought was, why the hell am I checking his page? And my second thought was, man, that was fast. Did I not mean anything? You're ready to get back up on the horse so soon?

And it's stupid that I let that bug me. I mean, what he does with his life is his business, not mine, obviously. But it still hurt. I miss him. I miss emailing him and hearing about his day. I miss the updates about shows and the theater. I miss the phone calls on his way home from work. I miss my friend. I think that's the one I miss the most. Forget the romantic aspect of our relationship, I feel like I've lost a friend.

Ugh, I sound like such a whiny little baby. I promise, this is my last post about him.


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