I'm back!! I've been without computer access for a week now, and so that's why that depressing post was left up for so long. I have all sorts of things to say, but I'm too distracted by the events of the evening. I was walking into my new apartment after a night of hanging with friends, and I noticed a weird orangey light coming from the building behind my new complex. At first I thought it was just a Halloween light, until I got closer and the windows blew out. That's when I called 911. The whole room was completely enflamed. And what's worse is that it was the second story of an apartment building, which means several places are going to get damaged, as opposed to just one. 911 connected me to the fire department, and I gave them the address of my complex. But this apartment was in another complex, so I just told them it was on the north side. Just then a little security guy was patrolling the area.

"Hey, do you see what I see?"
"Uh, yeah."
"Well, get over there."

He sped off. As I walked back to my place, some party-goers were coming outside for fresh air.

"Um, do you guys know the address of the building over there?"
"No, why?" says a girl dressed like french maid.
"Because it is totally on fire."

We walk back over and a guy climbs the wall. He sees the security guard and we can hear the fire department on their way. I hope everyone got out okay. I want to wake up Faith and Karen and hug them. For some reason, this really shook me up. Partly because I just left a place that had a candle in a pumpkin that was imploding. So I called to have the candle blown out. I've had to call 911 one other time in my life, and it was this year. Neither experience was fun.

However, I am able to see God in everything now. And this is where He was tonight. I was home for about 15 minutes this evening before leaving again. I mentioned to Faith that I needed to have the address of our place because I didn't know it. So I wrote it down on a sticky and took it with me. There was no reason for me to do that tonight. I didn't need the address at all. And why on earth did I take it with me? Why didn't I leave it upstairs by my computer, where I would need it for tomorrow? Well, because He knew there would be a fire, and I would need the address to report it. That just blows me away.

So, to expound a little on what happened yesterday.

I was sorta nervous to have lunch with Paul, and when I mentioned that to a friend, he asked where my heart was. I thought about that question for the rest of the day. What does that even mean?

But it was that question that made me realize I shouldn't see Paul for a while. It was so great to have lunch. To talk about the stuff we used to talk about. To feel safe and loved. To laugh. I could see in his face and hear in his voice how much he missed me and still cared for me. And I wanted to scream: Forget April 18th, forget the past 6 months, I was stupid, I'm sorry, let's get back together! But it would be for the wrong reasons. It would have been the easy thing to do. Yes, I miss him. But I also miss the idea of him. The comfort, the security, the familiarity of it all. And that's not a reason to be with someone. Because you're lonely or scared. That's the coward's way out, and in the end you're both miserable. I ended our relationship before we got to that point. Before the only thing keeping us together was the fear of being apart.

For three years he was my whole world. I was so excited to spend the rest of my life with him. I loved him So.Much. Which is why we stayed together longer than we probably should have. We weren't married, but we were living as though we were. Because of that, I thought this has to work no matter what. I'll make it work. No matter how unhappy I was. No matter how many times I cried myself to sleep. I wasn't willing to admit that we weren't right for each other. I wanted so badly for Paul to be The One that I was forcing a relationship. And finally admitting that to myself and accepting it was one of the hardest things I've ever done.

I still care about him and that's the reason we can't hang out for a while. Because I know it would mean more to him. And that's not fair. I want him to move on. I want him to meet someone else. Someone who can be the things for him that I couldn't. It may not happen any time soon, but it definitely can't happen if he's still holding on to me. I have to be the strong one here. I have to do the right thing.

Had lunch with Paul today. It was the first time I'd seen him since August when I moved the rest of my stuff out. It was hard. We talked about everything. What we were up to now, what's been going on the past few months, remembering things. Three hours later as I was leaving we hugged. For a long time. And I knew that I probably shouldn't hang out with him again for a while.


Tammy told Cory today that she was going to leave him.

One of the best text messages I've received:

Bill & I - in LA. Squid & silkworms eaten. UBC jam - not fun. Crashed w friend. Tire blew out. Finally on the road. Wish you were here - don't you?
vodka,
jose

Bill is a ninja this month, so I'm not surprised at all about the squid & silkworms. And those boys can't go to LA without having something happen to a car. Last time was a few months ago and Bill's car died. Completely. I think they had to sleep in it on the side of the road for a night until they got help. And, of course, the closing signature is great.

Hope you guys got home okay. I'm a heckuva tire changer. Next time I'll go and bring you good car karma.

Holy crap I'm tired, but I want to get this down before I sleep. Learned something interesting about myself tonight. I'm way different in L4 than I was in L3. And it's all confidence. When I started in L3 in January, I was completely intimidated by this group of people who've been working together for months. I was the weird new girl. Who was also a spaz. It took me a little while to find my place. Plus I rehearsed for 2 months before my first performance. In L4, I did a 10 oclock show, was asked to be in L4, rehearsed once, then have been doing shows ever since. I haven't found my place. I don't feel like my ideas are good enough. For instance, tonight Specht directed the 10 oclock. There was a scene Liz did that I had an idea for, but I sat and waited. Then I never went on. Well, Specht suggested my idea when we were in notes. If that had been an L3 show, I would have gone on. I would have felt completely comfortable. But since I'm still feeling things out in L4, I lack the confidence.

I'm glad I figured that out. Because I felt like last night's show was great and I had a ton of ideas, but tonight's show I had nothing. Liz told me to just do it. To trust myself. So, okay. I will.

Alas, we did not win the powerball. And it's Jeff's last show tonight. And Hurricane Wilma is foiling my trip to the Bahamas. I'm starting the day with three strikes against me. Here's to hoping it gets better {raises glass of oj}.

My legs are sore from the LACK of working out. How the heck is that possible?

I totally could have been asleep an hour ago. But no. Dangit, myspace. Seriously.

I had really emotional dreams the past two nights, and I've woken up exhausted. The first one was about luggage. I was at an airport, and my mom was sending me off somewhere. I remember thinking, hmmm, this must be before 9/11. Otherwise my mom wouldn't be allowed at the gate with me. Also, we had to load our own luggage onto the flight, which is why I had my huge suitcase and my carry-on with me. I lost my suitcase. I ran back to the bathroom to see if I left it there. This bathroom was like a locker room at an old highschool. I remember every detail. The white tile was dirty and wet. There were stalls, a changing area, and also showers. I have had another dream in this same locker room. Anyway, I'm running around trying not to slip on the wet tile, but furiously looking for my luggage. And crying. Really hard. I don't know why. But it was imperative that I find my suitcase. I spot it in a changing room and run back to get in line. It is also imperative that I not miss this flight. Do you ever notice how dreams are always life or death? Well, then I realize that I've lost my carry-on. I leave my suitcase with my mom at the gate, and run back to the bathroom to find my carry-on. Most of my dream is me running around, crying, looking for lost luggage. I find it tucked behind a toilet. The dream ends.

Then last night I dreamt that Paul and I were still together. I sat him down and told him that I cheated on him. But that it wasn't a big deal. I thought I was going to break up with him, which is why I did it. Then I decided to stay with him because I realized I really loved him. I was never going to tell him what I had done, but because I would want him to tell me if he had, I felt the need to come clean. He got all upset, then I got upset for hurting him. We were laying on my bed in the house I grew up in (that somebody else sleeps in now that my folks moved) hugging really tight and crying really hard. My mom comes in to look for a pair of socks or something random. I ask her to leave us alone for a minute. She says sure, but continues to rummage through my drawers. Then I scream at her and the most foul language comes out of my mouth. She gets all offended and leaves. Then Paul says, I guess it hurts so much because I just realized how much I really love you. We keep crying until I wake up.



For the record, in real life I've never cheated on anyone I've dated.

My comments say 0, but you can still post if you want. It'll be there

Helpless

I spoke with two really good friends today on the phone. They were both really sad. My heart aches for them. I wish I could do something more. It's hard when people you care about hurt. Listening and encouraging just don't seem like enough.

I love you guys. You're in my prayers.

ohymygoshohmygoshohmygosh! I think Steven's getting baptized the same day I am! This is so exciting! I am too wired to sleep now. My heart is so happy for him!

The Lord amazes me.

Tammy is jumping up and down yelling and cursing at the television. Just like last year, except it's the Steelers instead of the Bengals, and it's a girl instead of a boy. I actually miss hanging out curled up on the couch all day and ordering pizza. Getting up every commercial break to check the Fantasy stats. Listening to him yell on the phone with his brother. They would get so crazy over a game...it was great.

Man, things sure are a lot different.

Priorities

I haven't been taking care of myself lately. I'm so tired and I'm so sad and I haven't been sleeping. Pretty much every night for the past several weeks I've had some sort of commitment or another. And this morning I've finally decided to drop a few. First is L3. Since I've been moved up to mainstage, I've still been attending rehearsals and performances. Out of loyalty, I suppose. And I love the people. So I'm not going to do that anymore. If people continue to leave, I will continue to either be in the show, or at least watch, but other than that...no more rehearsals or shows.

The next is musical improv. As a member of the JesterZ, we cannot perform with other troupes. The musical improv group came together as a collection of different people from different troupes to study this genre. As the weeks have gone by, we've decided to perform. It may only be one time, but it's something that could turn into a regular gig. And it's not fair for the members in the troupe to count on me in rehearsals, but not in shows. So with a heavy heart I'm letting go of that, as well.

I still have PIF meetings, JesterZ, and a bible study (hopefully we will continue to meet), which takes up 5 nights/week. But two of those are weekend nights, and two of them don't last as long. I used to go to the gym regularly, and was really happy with the results. But other than one game of racquet ball a few weeks ago, I haven't been in a couple of months. Yesterday morning I hung out with Faith, and hopefully she'll get a bike so we can ride together. I'm going to start going to bed early and getting up early, so I can exercise in the mornings before work.

I'm just so tired and worn out and sick of everything that it's time for some big changes.

Happy Birthday, Jeff!!

There are some FINE looking lawyers that work in my building. There's nothing hotter than a young, smart guy in a suit. It almost makes me want to wear make up and put forth an effort in the mornings.

Almost.

I just took a shower so hot it was painful. on purpose. like i wanted my flesh to melt off and slide down the drain.

it's sad when the least annoying song on all of the pre-set radio stations in my car is by Mariah Carey.

I'm doing an outside show this Saturday for the JesterZ. Exciting!

Well, yesterday was the 10th. What fabulous thing happened? I got to go to the opera, Carmen! It was so amazing. I haven't seen a live stage performance of that magnitude since Ohio. And I have to say I was a little homesick. I missed the Victoria Theater and the Loft and hanging out at Uno's after seeing someone I know in a show there. But the music was wonderful, the singing spectacular, the sets magnificent. Everything was perfect.

And one of the coolest things was I knew the Principal Viola.

My seasonal gushing about how much I love AZ is going to start a little early this year. Have you been outside today? If not...GO!!! It is so beautiful. The sky is clear, there's a slight breeze, and it's in the upper 80s. I talked with my dad today and it's cold and rainy in OH. HA!

I was unsure how tonight's shows were going to go. I was raw, emotionally, and I wasn't up for having to be energetic in front of 100 people. Warm ups were weird. L3 warm ups are way different, so hopefully I can bring some of that to L4. The 8 oclock show was off. Every time someone came off the stage, they were like, "eww, that sucked." Some of the games were cut really short. As in lights out after just a couple of lines. Then notes were stern afterwards, but I agreed with everything said. Then there was a not-so-good interaction between two people which left a third in tears. So we're going into the 10 oclock show on this horrible vibe. But you know what, it was cool. It worked well. It was my first show with Specht and Thurston, and I felt pretty good about it. We did much longer, scene-based stuff. And Jef trusted us and didn't pull lights a few places I think he normally would have. 10 was much better than 8, and I'm glad I went. I'm glad I did the shows.

They re-printed the programs either yesterday or today. Ken and David's names were gone, and technically David still has one show left. Geeze, let the dust settle, already. I think they'll have to reprint the programs a few more times before it is all said and done.

i'm finally letting go.

and it's scary and it hurts and i don't know what to do or how to be.

but i'm letting go.

because i'm too broken to hold on anymore.

Yesterday was crazy! I finally feel like I'm being productive at work. I processed claims and mailed letters. I like my new job a lot better than my old one. There's more to do and it's more complicated. Plus there's lots of math involved, so that makes me happy. I walk out to the parking garage and get in my car. Now, the night before I went over to the boys' apartment to do the usual post-show analysis. Which was sad, b/c we won't be doing that anymore. I stayed kinda late, and I was tired most of Friday. That morning, there was no hot water, and I just couldn't do a cold shower. So instead of taking a nap before the shows like I wanted to, I was going to have to shower and dry my shirt (i had washed it that morning). Anyway, as I'm backing out of my parking space, my car is making a really weird noise. Am I running over something? No. My tire is flat. And not just a little bit. The weird noise was my rim on the ground.

Great.

Super.

I've never changed a flat before, and this was definitely going to cut into the 8 o'clock show. I remember hearing at some point that you're supposed to tighten the lug nuts in a particular order. I had no idea what that order was. So I call my dad. no answer. mom? nope. uncle? huh-uh. aunt? nada. What is the point of having cell phones, people?!? I call David, but he has no idea. He advises me to call Jeff, because although Jeff has never actually changed a tire, he probably has some sort of documentation on how to do it. Which is hysterical if you know Jeff. He is so cerebral, and not very hands on. So the fact that he's read a book on how to change a flat, but has never actually done it makes perfect sense. When I call he says he might have something in his car, so he goes to look. Which then made me think of my owner's manual. Of course! There has to be something in there about flats. And there is.

I was very glad it was casual Friday, b/c I would have been pissed to ruin dress pants.

I get my spare donut out of the trunk, along with a dinky jack. I take off the lug nuts, which are screwed on so tightly I actually have to stand on the tool to loosen them. I get the bolts off, but now I can't get my tire off. After much struggling, it finally comes. I put the wee little new tire back on. A few people have offered their assistance, but I'm handling it pretty well and am all proud of myself, so i say no thanks. I probably would have said yes to one of the hottie lawyers from the third floor, however. OK, so I'm tightening the lug nuts on the spare, and the jack gives. Thank goodness my feet or fingers weren't in the way. That would have been bad. Well, the spare is on, but my jack is broken. And I can't see anything wrong with my flat other than it has absolutely no air in it.

At this point I need to get a new tire. I drive so much and JesterZ and where I live are on opposite sides of the valley. My plan was to go home, wash my blackened hands and forearms (and chin, I was later to discover), and hit Walmart for a new tire and jack. Well, it's 6 o'clock, and places are closing. I happen to pass a Discount Tire 5 minutes before they lock their doors. I walk in, hair disheveled, arms dirty as hell, pants ruined. They take one look at me and shake their heads. "Where are you parked?" It was nice that they skipped the whole, "How can I help you" bit. It was pretty obvious. But all of the guys seemed impressed that I had changed my own tire. Which surprised me. But that's the reaction pretty much everyone had. My aunt was all proud. So were Mindy and Brandey. I felt very independent.

By the time I got home and clean, it was 8. Jef said the shows were covered, and he'd just see me for Saturday's.

Oh, the Discount Tire guys said there was a hole that was easily patchable, which they did for free as I waited. I still need to get a new jack, just in case I ever need it again.

I've taken a shower and washed my hands several times, but two of my fingertips are still dirty.

What an amazing night! The show went really well, minus a few odd points. I had some great scenes with Ken, which made me happy because I am losing my Hagrid. Yes, this was the last night he was to perform with the Jester'z. But I'm really excited about what he's doing next and where he is in his life. Go KennyB!

And thus last night kicked off the first of five shows in three days. I signed up for everything because I was available. But I never imagined Jef would put me in ALL 5 STINKIN' SHOWS. Oh well, I learned my lesson.

Next Thursday I hope to perform again, though. I lost my Hagrid last night and I lose my David next week. He's also moving on to bigger and better things. After being in the troupe with these guys for 10 months, it would be nice to do one last show.

I love you guys and I'll miss you.

I think a friend of mine has a crush on me. I sorta don't know how to handle it. He said something this weekend to solidify my suspicions, and now I'm uber-conscious of everything I do. If I text him back, will he get the wrong idea? Stupid stuff like that. He's super-cool, which makes me wish I could just get over myself.

Guh. I'm moving to LA where I can be swollowed whole.

The elevators in our building are creaky. The other day I was going down from the fourth floor and I though, hmm...if it snaps and I die, I'd be okay with that. Not that I want to kill myself or anything. But sometimes I just want to know how it all ends.

Like the waiting is torture.

Eek. Morbid.

In a sick twist of fate, the women in my new office have decided I look like Rene Russo from my profile. So they have started calling me "Rene". Ahh...sweet, sweet irony.

I have yet to figure out how to get them to stop without sounding like a complete loser.

Two funny things that happened this morning:

I briefly talked with Candy this morning on my way to work:

C: Is that your morning voice, or are you getting sick?
A: It's my morning voice.
C: Sexy.

That made me laugh. Then as I was getting into my car, I noticed Brandey had left her mark. Monday after rehearsal she ran up and "fell" on the hood of my car like I was running her over. It was funny at the time, and still is, but the way the morning light reflected off my hood I realized she had slightly dented it. I'm sure it can easily be popped out if I open my hood and push, but I think I'm going to leave it for a while. It makes me smile and shake my head.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY CANDY!!!

In my ever-nomadic life, I'm staying with Candy for the week. Yesterday she told me where the computer was and how to log on. Mainly because she's been checking my site and I haven't updated. That cracks me up.

So here's an update:

If anyone knows a female looking for a place to live, Faith and I need a third roommate. There are currently 2 of us who will be living in a 3 bedroom as of November 1.