So, to expound a little on what happened yesterday.
I was sorta nervous to have lunch with Paul, and when I mentioned that to a friend, he asked where my heart was. I thought about that question for the rest of the day. What does that even mean?
But it was that question that made me realize I shouldn't see Paul for a while. It was so great to have lunch. To talk about the stuff we used to talk about. To feel safe and loved. To laugh. I could see in his face and hear in his voice how much he missed me and still cared for me. And I wanted to scream: Forget April 18th, forget the past 6 months, I was stupid, I'm sorry, let's get back together! But it would be for the wrong reasons. It would have been the easy thing to do. Yes, I miss him. But I also miss the idea of him. The comfort, the security, the familiarity of it all. And that's not a reason to be with someone. Because you're lonely or scared. That's the coward's way out, and in the end you're both miserable. I ended our relationship before we got to that point. Before the only thing keeping us together was the fear of being apart.
For three years he was my whole world. I was so excited to spend the rest of my life with him. I loved him So.Much. Which is why we stayed together longer than we probably should have. We weren't married, but we were living as though we were. Because of that, I thought this has to work no matter what. I'll make it work. No matter how unhappy I was. No matter how many times I cried myself to sleep. I wasn't willing to admit that we weren't right for each other. I wanted so badly for Paul to be The One that I was forcing a relationship. And finally admitting that to myself and accepting it was one of the hardest things I've ever done.
I still care about him and that's the reason we can't hang out for a while. Because I know it would mean more to him. And that's not fair. I want him to move on. I want him to meet someone else. Someone who can be the things for him that I couldn't. It may not happen any time soon, but it definitely can't happen if he's still holding on to me. I have to be the strong one here. I have to do the right thing.
I was sorta nervous to have lunch with Paul, and when I mentioned that to a friend, he asked where my heart was. I thought about that question for the rest of the day. What does that even mean?
But it was that question that made me realize I shouldn't see Paul for a while. It was so great to have lunch. To talk about the stuff we used to talk about. To feel safe and loved. To laugh. I could see in his face and hear in his voice how much he missed me and still cared for me. And I wanted to scream: Forget April 18th, forget the past 6 months, I was stupid, I'm sorry, let's get back together! But it would be for the wrong reasons. It would have been the easy thing to do. Yes, I miss him. But I also miss the idea of him. The comfort, the security, the familiarity of it all. And that's not a reason to be with someone. Because you're lonely or scared. That's the coward's way out, and in the end you're both miserable. I ended our relationship before we got to that point. Before the only thing keeping us together was the fear of being apart.
For three years he was my whole world. I was so excited to spend the rest of my life with him. I loved him So.Much. Which is why we stayed together longer than we probably should have. We weren't married, but we were living as though we were. Because of that, I thought this has to work no matter what. I'll make it work. No matter how unhappy I was. No matter how many times I cried myself to sleep. I wasn't willing to admit that we weren't right for each other. I wanted so badly for Paul to be The One that I was forcing a relationship. And finally admitting that to myself and accepting it was one of the hardest things I've ever done.
I still care about him and that's the reason we can't hang out for a while. Because I know it would mean more to him. And that's not fair. I want him to move on. I want him to meet someone else. Someone who can be the things for him that I couldn't. It may not happen any time soon, but it definitely can't happen if he's still holding on to me. I have to be the strong one here. I have to do the right thing.
posted by a c at
7:43 PM
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