Just looked up prices for a round trip ticket to Nassau for the end of October. $400. Not bad. I will be at the gym everyday until I leave.

Talked with Tosh tonight. Randomly asked her about Kenny. Wanna know what he's up to? Oh, nothing much. Just a flippin' make up artist on Pirates of the Caribbean 2 and 3! Yeah, he's in the Bahamas with my boyfriend!!! That's it. I'm taking a vacation. Tosha said she'd email him to see if it's okay for me to come hang out. Seriously...I'd bring a sleeping bag and go just for a weekend. I am pathetically not kidding.

Your Birthdate: January 23

With a birthday on the 23rd of the month (5 energy) you are inclined to work well with people and enjoy them. You are talented and versatile, very good at presenting ideas. You may have a tendency to get itchy feet at times and need change and travel. You tend to be very progressive, imaginative and adaptable. Your mind is quick, clever and analytical. A restlessness in your nature may make you a bit impatient and easily bored with routine. You may have a tendency to shirk responsibility. Very sociable, you make friends easily and you are an excellent traveling companion.

What Does Your Birth Date Mean?

No matter how many times you check your email, you can't force people to write.

No matter how many times you check their blogs, you can't force people to post.

No matter how many times you check your phone, you can't force people to call. Especially if it is 2am in Ohio.

Why is it that my cough comes back at night when I'm trying to sleep?

Hawaii was everywhere today. From Kelly's email to a billboard on my way to rehearsal to Mindy's shirt. Ahhh!!! I can't take it!!

My friend Kelly went to Hawaii to run a half marathon. She was the 9th overall to finish, and the first female. CONGRATS!!! Also, she sent me a link to her photos--106 pictures of Hawaii. Who wants to go with me?

Well, I caved. I called in sick on the second day of my second week. Plans for the day: go to store, get cough drops, sleep. Not necessarily in that order.

I want to go on a vacation. The past couple of years I've used my vacation time to go to Ohio for weddings or sick parents. I wanna do something fun. And be near a beach. Those are my only restrictions.


Also, the hot water's back!

Three days. Three showers. No hot water.

Sucks.

Man, have I been watching some really fabulous movies lately. Spanglish was so beautiful. The use of colors was really great. My favorite scene was in the restaurant, the shot of their feet right before they touch the ground. Uh-mazing. Oh, I also agree 100% with him.

Then last night was Dancer in the Dark. I like to further my depression when I'm sick, and I would have to say that movie did it. I was crying so hard by the end I was trying not to shudder. There are some startling moments, so the fact that I'm pretty jumpy to begin with didn't help. My whole body watches a movie when I get into it. And I really got into this one. It was a little predictable, but that didn't stop me from loving it. It only added to it. For instance, the moment she said 107 steps, I knew at some point that would be a song. And when they actually sang it...I started to choke up when I was telling Tammy about it. That's a movie I will be thinking about for a long time.

106. Slam.

devastating.

And the glasses...

I can't take it.

You won't accomplish anything by striving against reality. The fastest way to grow stronger and more effective is by acceptance of what is.

In my email this evening:

Say yes to what is. Say yes to what can be. Say yes to beauty. Say yes to truth. You won't accomplish anything by striving against reality. The fastest way to grow stronger and more effective is by acceptance of what is. There is overwhelming goodness and richness in life if you will just see it. There is fulfillment and joy in every direction if you will just let it be. By all means, take an active role in life. And let that active role begin with saying yes. Say yes to this day, to this moment, to this very situation as it now is. And you will unlock a real and abiding value that pulls you ever upward.
Ralph Marston

Faith does not read this blog. In fact, I've barely spoken to her recently because she's in rehearsals for a show. She is unaware of my recent job change and desire to stay here for another few months. So when she called today to ask if I wanted to live with her in Tempe in November, I was a little surprised. Yeah, Faith, I think I just might.

Every time I'm sick, my posts always begin the same: I hate being sick. Well...Far be it from me to break tradition.

I hate being sick.

It's my first week on the job, and I refuse to call in. Which makes sitting through 8 hours of "training" (i use the term loosely) almost unbearable. I drove home facing the sun. Now, for those of you who live in hot climates, you know that it can get to about 4000 degrees in your car driving into the sun. Well, I'm sick enough that I drove home with my windows up and air off. Yep, it's fever time. My plan for the evening is to take it easy. Tammy has this ginormous tv, so I may pop in a movie later. Or play The Legend of Zelda.

Also, when I'm sick, I tend to get depressed, as a lot of people do. So I called Tosh and left a 2 minute message remembering a fun time during a show we were in together. Then I called zha, and he was celebrating a great showing at school. That cheered me up. I was going to leave him a message reminiscing over the Great Mud Fight of '97.

Oh, one more thing to let y'all understand the severity of my sickness: The only thing I hate more than being sick is country music. On the way home, not only did I listen to a country song, but the lyrics made me cry. Eek! Maybe I should check out the ER.

Perhaps Moulin Rouge is not the best movie to watch tonight.

I'm getting baptized either the last Sunday of October or the first Sunday of November. Everyone is invited. I'll let you know the exact date as it gets closer. Can't wait!

"When was the last time I made you cry?"

"Um, I don't know."

That was a lie. I knew. Why couldn't I say anything? What was I embarrassed about? Was I trying to protect you?

I feel. I have emotions. Sometimes I hurt. And yet I keep denying my own scene.

A beautiful quote a la Michelle:

"The world takes us to a silver screen on which flickering images of passion and romance play, and as we watch, the world says, "This is love." God takes us to the foot of a tree on which a naked and bloodied man hangs and says, "THIS is love."
Joshua Harris

Sometimes I wish I could get inside people's heads--hear what they're thinking. That would be my super power if I could choose. Also, when things are on sale, I have to buy them in the quantities specified. I needed one of each of my items at Walgreens, but they were 2 for $5 and 2 for $3. So, of course, I had to follow protocol.

Which brings us to:

Today I would have loved to hear the checkout girl's thoughts as I handed her two boxes of tampons and two huge symphony chocolate bars. Could I be anymore stereotypical?

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately--and listening--about my move. I was planning on using some vacation time from Evil Star to go to LA to get a manager/voice agent set up before pilot season. Now that I have a new job, I don't want to take time off the first couple of months. So there's no reason for me to be out there January 1 if I'm not going to be able to audition for PS.

I'm also getting involved in some things in Phoenix that I want to see through to the end. For one, the Phoenix Improv Festival. It's not 'til April, and I have a meeting tonight. It was sort of like, if I'm only going to be able to volunteer for 3 months and not during the actual festival, what's the point? So why not stay through the festival and really be able to get involved.

Then there's church. I've started going to a bible study that meets for the next 10 weeks. One of the leaders suggested that I put off the church membership classes until later so I could complete this study, which is about laying the foundation. Exactly what I need as a new Christian and someone not raised in a Christian household. Being a member of this church is really important to me. Because for the first time in my life, I'm doing this because I want to. Not because someone is making me. But having this foundation...understanding the Bible and the Christian way...that's even more important to me. So I may not become a member for a while.

And now there's a project with Michelle. I was praying for guidance and direction the other day on my way home from work, and literally less than five minutes later I read an email from Michelle proposing a project right along the lines of something I've wanted to do for years now. It was the most amazing thing! I had a meeting with her last night, and we talked about my commitment to her and my move to LA--among a million other things.

So all of this stuff is happening that I feel is keeping me here. At least for a little while longer. Maybe after Easter, after the PIF, after the book, maybe then is my time for LA. But, you know what, I'm okay with the fact that I may never make it there. I love AZ so much, and I would be perfectly content living my life here. Continuing with improv, continuing with the church, continuing the occasional indie film. Ideally, when zha graduates, I'll just do his movies (which are going to be studied in schools, I can tell already) and be able to live here. We'll see. I'm open to anything. I honestly won't be disappointed if LA never works out. And there was a time when I couldn't say that. I love what I'm doing, I love my friends, I love all the improv I'm involved in. On the other hand, I'd be okay leaving it all if that's what I'm called to do.

For right now, though, I'm keeping my eyes and my heart open. To whatever You have in store for me.

Today was my last day at evil Star HRG. I start my new job at AGIA Monday. Yippee Skippy! I did NOT want to be at work today, so luckily I had some email buddies to get me through the day. Thanks, guys! And now I have 4 hours of improv shows ahead of me to blow off the steam of this week.

I love my life.

Well, in keeping trend with something big happening on the 10th of each month:

I was asked to join L4.


October 10th is a Monday. I wonder how long this trend will continue...

On my way to the show tonight, it wasn't raining. There were a couple clouds in the sky, but it was pretty clear. And yet, there was a rainbow.

Beautiful.

It started out as a simple conversation about Rosa's baby shower next week, and it ended in a graphic discussion of the birthing process. Not a fun way to eat spaghetti. I am officially never having lunch with Cassy, Jessica, and Rosa again.

I don't know how I'm going to sleep tonight! OK, if you tell me something, then say you're going to announce it to the group, please do me a favor and make that announcement as soon as possible. If I give someone a birthday gift I know they're really going to like, I usually get too excited and tell them what it is before they open it. Sometimes even before I buy it. So when Hagrid confirmed my suspicions that he had proposed to Michelle and she had accepted, he then needed to tell everyone else immediately. I had to sit on that gem for over an hour. Seriously, you almost killed me tonight, H. But I suppose I forgive you. AHHH!!! Ken and Michelle are engaged! I am so happy for them I can't even explain it. He is a dear friend to me, and they are so right together. Eek, I'm all mushy inside.

Interesting conversation after rehearsal with Liz. I don't even remember how the subject was brought up, but I told her that I'm interviewing for a job in Scottsdale Friday. Cassy's been teasing me for a while to move to Tempe/Scottsdale. Both my improv things are there, and I'm out that way all the time. Now I may be working there. Who knows? So I expressed to Liz my joy/frustration with everything. And she's in the same place. She wants to go to LA, but at the same time, doesn't. I've been back and forth so many times that whenever anyone asks if I'm moving, I just say, "That's the plan for the moment." I want to have my own place and a piano. On my way to church Sunday I drove by a piano store that was going out of business and having a huge sale. But A) I owe too much to buy one, and B) (perhaps most importantly) I have no place to put it. But that store was calling my name. Liz wants to live here but work in LA. Which is exactly what I want to do. We had this whole conversation filled with "I know"s and "I feel the same way"s. So it was good to hear someone else was struggling as well. If I could make the perfect world, zha would cast me in all of his movies, I'd just work on location for the extent of the filming, and live in AZ. But, alas, I cannot make the perfect world. So we'll just have to wait and see.

And Hagrid is still engaged.

You don't realize how you impact and effect others until you leave. I was reminded of this today at work, then again reading Hagrid's post. Several people out of the blue gave me phone numbers for job leads, and I sent out a couple of resumes. I guess, as the leavER, I don't think about what it will be like for the ones I'm leavING. Cassy said it will be weird without me. Tomm gave me a big hug. Marisa said she was mad. And I still have two weeks left.

I was reminded of when I was left behind. When zha did his crazy USA travelling. I was so sad b/c I didn't think I'd see him again. That our lives would drift apart and I'd be forgotten. Oh, how silly. When you are truly friends with someone, it doesn't matter where you live. I only talk to Tosh a couple of times a month, and I only see her maybe once a year, but it doesn't feel that way. I still feel close to her. See, it doesn't matter where we physically are, our hearts are still close. I am appreciating friendships in a new way at this point in my life. I am so incredibly thankful for the amazing people I know and love.



So, Hagrid, don't be sad. I may leave, but I will never be gone.
Tonks

Reason 4972 why I love the musical improv people:

Last week Jose and Bill were going to have a t-shirt war. I forget why this started. Well, last night someone brought it up b/c Bill wasn't wearing a t-shirt. He then proceeds to unbutton his shirt to reveal--wait for it--a hand made Jack McBrayer tee!! I almost wet myself. Jose hates Jack. Well, not really, he just thinks he's talented. So the suggestion for the next scene was Jack. And Jose does this whole song about how Jack is the bane of his existence. It was hilarious. Then Darren did his dead-on Jason impression.

It was the best of all nights.

From my friend, Jeff:


Tonight I turned on my NPR station for a news update, but found they had closed down for the night and were playing Jazz. And it was strange listening to Jazz, while Jazz was drowning.

You should read the whole post, but this last bit brought tears to my eyes.

Several friends constantly ask "What's different? How are you changed?" I never really knew how to answer that question, but I think I can now. I have a For Instance.

I turned my two weeks notice in last week. The 16th will be my last day, and I have nothing lined up. This week I will hopefully be interviewing, but I'm kind of flying blind here. However, I'm not worried. I feel like God has been saying for the past two years: Ashley, this isn't where I want you. But I've been ignoring it. Two situations arose where I almost quit but didn't. I didn't want to take the time looking for another job or learning something new. So I stayed. I settled. But then this third situation was so blatently screaming at me that I couldn't ignore it anymore. And I know I'll be provided for. I'm not worried.

Mrs. C asked me this morning what was new, and I told her. "But you're smiling." "Yeah, I guess it's a good thing, but I'm still really scared." "Well, maybe you can find something in the arts." "Actually, I just got an email that a position at a theater is open, and I'm going to apply for it." Plus people at work are helping and giving me contact information for possible leads. Tomorrow I'm getting everything together so I can send my resume out Tuesday and start interviewing as soon as possible.

So I guess I am comforted in the fact that I know I'm being looked out for. I'm going through a lot right now in my life, and if it wasn't for my faith, I would be a wreck. I've changed because I trust. I'm not trying to do everything on my own, and be my sole/soul supporter. I have someone else to lean on, who can provide me with everything I need. I never listened to that voice before. I never allowed myself that type of freedom. And it really is freeing. I wish I could share this feeling in my heart with everyone. I am so full of love and hope and life that I could burst.

That's how I'm different. That's how I've changed.

I should be asleep but I'm not.

Holy torrential downpour, Batman! I was going to watch my friends in an improv show and then attend a jam after, but Tammy and I drove back from Oregano's (I finally went!!) and almost didn't make it. I love the rain here! Now we're going to watch a movie. What a perfect date night. :)

I found my aunt & uncle's house, both old apartment complexes, my church, the mountain I used to hike, JesterZ, IO West, New York City, Hawaii, Japan, Ireland. It goes on and on.

Curse you, Google Earth! I have other things to do and you're sucking me in!

I shake my fist at you.

I just quit my job.