I just listened to this message from my dad:

28 years ago in about an hour from now you and I set out from 4311 Parkview Drive for your first night of trick-or-treating. You were not, obviously, quite two years old. And it was kind of a cool night 'cause you were wearing your little winter tan coat that had a hood on it. And I think if I remember correctly we had a little mask for you to wear. And you were carrying the orange plastic pumpkin into which your candy was to be deposited and you were so short that as you walked along carrying your pumpkin it barely cleared the ground. In other words each time your arms swung, it almost hit the ground. As we got to each house I would lean down to you and say, "Say trick-or-treat." And you never said anything. You were just so overwhelmed by the experience you were speechless. And I honest-to-god think that's probably the last time you have ever been speechless in your entire life. It was a wonderful evening and just the start of many, many, many wonderful memories with you. And so I wanted to call and share that with you; see if you remembered it. (laughs) Love you honey, take care. Give us a call when you get a chance.

It took me several listenings to transcribe it completely. I never want to forget this.

I have managed not once, but twice, in the past couple of hours to fall coming up the stairs to my apartment. I no longer have any skin on the top of my foot or shin. Delightful.

When you don't have a tv and the only news you get is the 10 minutes you're warming up at the gym, you tend to miss things. Like the World Series.

Turns out Hot Australian Cycler is also a *chef*. With his own TV show. Yeah, there's no doubt about it--I'm definitely living in LA. A friend of his came in during class-while he was sweating away on the bike-and had him autograph a book. I didn't see the cover, but the pic of him on the back: with a surf board. If he wasn't so annoyingly fit, I would allow him to be my secret crush.

In my spinning class, there's this incredibly hot guy who's training to ride his bike across the country. Today I heard him talk for the first time. He's Australian. If I find out he has brains, I cannot be held accountable for what is bound and gagged in my trunk.

The only thing that could possibly be hotter is if it turns out he has an identical brother who is Irish and/or Scottish. Then all bets are off.

There are some things in life that I know I'm missing out on. But there's nothing I can do to change it.

For instance, and I know I've mentioned this before, my sister. We're not close. I wish we were. We hated each other growing up. It took me moving away to college for us to be civil. And we're still very, very different. But I wish we were closer. She's busy with her new job. I don't call her very often b/c I usually get her vm and she doesn't call me back. She's only called me once or twice of her own volition. I have to hear about her job and life through my parents. I look at some people I know--Faith for instance. She's incredibly close with her sister. Charity's come out here a couple of times to visit. They talk on the phone a lot. And they also fight. So, it's not like they're BFF with no problems. I don't know. I just wish Lindsay and I could be closer.

The other is a sense of home. I've never felt attached to any place I've ever lived. I couldn't wait to get out of OH. PHX was just a transition. LA...I just can't see myself living here forever. I read Arthur and Jastroch's LJs this morning. They have such a connection to New Orleans. They miss it. They want to go back. I don't have a place like that. And I wonder what it would feel like. I think that's why I've never been home sick. Because I've never attached myself to a place before. I don't identify with anything. I don't have a home to miss. I moved out when I was 18. Almost 12 years ago. In that time, only one place did I live for more than 1 year. That was my apartment on Riverside. I spent 2.5 years there. But I've been moving around ever since. I don't ever want to "settle down" in life. Yes, I'd like to eventually get married and have a family, but I still want to pursue improv. I suppose I consider "settling down" as giving up; as shifting the focus of your life. My family would obviously be the most important thing to me, but I would still pursue my dreams. So, although I don't want that (the settling down), I would like a place I connect with. A place I would miss if I left. A place I feel home.

Let me preface this by saying I do not play the piano. I took lessons for one summer when I was about 8. Maybe not even the whole summer. I played alto sax from 5th-11th grade. We never learned theory, just how to read music. This year I decided to teach myself how to play piano. David gave me a keyboard in exchange for some photos I took of his band. I asked for and received two books of music (Tori Amos and Coldplay) for Christmas. I have yet to practice. It's almost a year later, in case anyone is counting.

Today I decided to make this commitment out loud to Faith. There is a song from The Fountain, Together We Will Live Forever. It's slow and looks fairly easy. I am going to practice one hour a day, starting tomorrow, for a week. At the end of the week, I should be able to play the whole song all the way through. I used to be very musically gifted. We'll see if that's still true.

Lots of exciting thing today:

My robe came!!! I ordered this robe a couple of weeks ago and I am wearing it now! It is the softest robe and I am a very happy camper.

Tonight is TJ & Dave @ iO. A few years ago when I went to visit the kids in Chicago, all Specht would talk about was how great TJ & Dave were and how that would be the first thing we all do when I get there. That's what I heard every day for the entire week prior to my arrival. And then their show sold out and I didn't get to see it. Tonight I have a chance.

Last night Faith and I went to iO for the Armando. Angela Kinsey was the monologist. It was a wonderful show. Then Faith, Buol, Jeff Pasino, and I had 2-4-1 margaritas. I managed to shatter a glass and cut my finger. Then we made friends with this great girl in the bathroom. We went to Mel's Diner at 1 in the morning for delicious shakes. Didn't get to bed til around 3. Didn't make spinning this morning. Wanted to see harold competitions tonight, but I must work since I've been a lazy slacker all day and didn't work a lick once Faith got home yesterday. I was all set to hit 300 claims this week. I'll be lucky if I get 250.

Level 2 with Mike Bertrando starts tomorrow. Faith is also taking Level 1 with Scot. Hopefully he'll be there for more than 50% of the classes-which is how much I had him.

I am so tired and claims are going so slowly today. Wish TJ&Dave were another day so I could sleep tonight.

Al Gore just won the Nobel Peace Prize.

He can put it on his mantle next to his Academy Award.

Wonder what he could have done as President...

Do you hear that? It's the sound of my muscles atrophying.

Today I got up early, showered, and already have an hour of work under my belt. I leave in a bit for yoga and I have a training session this afternoon. I need to get back on my exercise schedule. My legs are getting too squishy for my like.

Faith finally comes back next week. I've been here alone for a month. Last night I watched a movie and laughed out loud. That sound startled me in the quiet that has been my home.

Level 2 starts Wednesday and tomorrow I have my second musical workshop. Hooray!!!

Well, it's been a month since he ended it. Last night I was really sad. Talked to my parents for a while. My dad is confident next year will be The Year for the Cubs, since it will be the century anniversary of The Curse. I tried really hard not to bring him up--to just have a normal conversation with them--but then I started crying and they were all what's wrong and I was all blah blah blah I miss him.

Tonight I'm watching the Harold competitions with Ben. We're going to grab some Thai food first. It's funny--I don't like Thai food, but I went with a group of people when they were in town for BD's wedding and they had this cashew chicken thing that was practically the most delicious dish I've ever tasted. So I'm looking forward to that again.

My hair is growing out. I don't hate it so much anymore.

Crap. I am old.

Today I drove up to Kenny's house to hike. I haven't hiked in a while. I brought my knee braces, but decided against wearing them. Not to be a hero or anything, I just figured the trails we were taking were easy enough that I wouldn't need them. That was a stupid decision. My knees aren't what they used to be. Wait...they were never good. And now they're even worse. This sucks. I am literally limping around the apartment right now; crawling up the stairs. It's pathetic.

Body is falling apart. Sadness.

tonight i let go


of everything



for real.

Ben Dunn, my new improv BFF, lent me firefly. I've been watching it. I *LOVE* Jayne, played by Adam Baldwin (no relation). That guy is so stinkin' funny!

Also, I'm totally in love with Ryan Reynolds. Make it happen!

I am the loneliest girl. Faith has been in AZ for over 2 weeks now. And she won't be coming back for another 1.5 at the minimum. I work from home. By myself. No one around. Luckily I have my nights filled with improv and new friends, or I'd have gone crazy by now.

I sent an email to Foxy Boy. We clearly can not hang out anymore, unless it's with a group of people. We've tried to be friends for 7 years now, and it's just not going to work. One-on-one time is not something that should be happening. He's not a relationship person, so things between us aren't ever going to go anywhere.

We've been hanging out a lot the past couple of weeks. I mean, we hung out on a weekly basis before--surfing and whatnot. But the past couple of weeks it's been a lot more. When I first moved out here, I wondered what it would be like between us. I thought we could really honestly just be friends. And that's what it seemed like. But there was another person between us. Now that he's gone, we sort of fell back into our old ways. Except this time around with a solid friendship behind it. Which makes stuff more confusing and painful. I don't want to let go of my friend, but I have to. Because I'm kidding myself.

Everything sucks. I'm going to eat a brownie.