Tuesday, October 23, 2007

There are some things in life that I know I'm missing out on. But there's nothing I can do to change it.

For instance, and I know I've mentioned this before, my sister. We're not close. I wish we were. We hated each other growing up. It took me moving away to college for us to be civil. And we're still very, very different. But I wish we were closer. She's busy with her new job. I don't call her very often b/c I usually get her vm and she doesn't call me back. She's only called me once or twice of her own volition. I have to hear about her job and life through my parents. I look at some people I know--Faith for instance. She's incredibly close with her sister. Charity's come out here a couple of times to visit. They talk on the phone a lot. And they also fight. So, it's not like they're BFF with no problems. I don't know. I just wish Lindsay and I could be closer.

The other is a sense of home. I've never felt attached to any place I've ever lived. I couldn't wait to get out of OH. PHX was just a transition. LA...I just can't see myself living here forever. I read Arthur and Jastroch's LJs this morning. They have such a connection to New Orleans. They miss it. They want to go back. I don't have a place like that. And I wonder what it would feel like. I think that's why I've never been home sick. Because I've never attached myself to a place before. I don't identify with anything. I don't have a home to miss. I moved out when I was 18. Almost 12 years ago. In that time, only one place did I live for more than 1 year. That was my apartment on Riverside. I spent 2.5 years there. But I've been moving around ever since. I don't ever want to "settle down" in life. Yes, I'd like to eventually get married and have a family, but I still want to pursue improv. I suppose I consider "settling down" as giving up; as shifting the focus of your life. My family would obviously be the most important thing to me, but I would still pursue my dreams. So, although I don't want that (the settling down), I would like a place I connect with. A place I would miss if I left. A place I feel home.


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