Today I am overwhelmingly sad. It's coming up on the one year anniversary of the death of Professor Snugglebottoms. My nightmares are becoming more frequent and more intense. E mentioned a while ago that I probably have PTSD. This week especially I feel that I should probably talk with someone about it. But I'm bombarded with work, shows, rehearsals, and class. I can't look at road kill. I can't even think about him because it just switches over to watching him get run over. And then not dying until we were in the car on the way to the pet ER. Last night I met E for dinner and passed that place. It took every ounce of my being to not burst into tears. I thought I would be passed it by now. But I'm not. There are so many things I'm not happy with. The roommate situation is not great. I did not sign up to live with a couple, and I am. But it's only for a few months, so I'm trying to power through it. I like having nice things, and they keep breaking or messing up my stuff. I just spent some time in OH with the parents, and I'm worried about the health of both of them. I'm worried about early onset Alzheimer's. I'm worried about my dad's back and hip and the possibility of surgery and how his heart will hold up. I'm worried about an 8 year old hernia that my mom never fixed. I realize it does no good to think about these things and that I have no control over them, but I just found out all of this stuff last week, so it's new and fresh. Ugh. What a bummer of a post. Sorry.

If only people knew the inner turmoil of posting on facebook. I recently friended someone who is about to be my improv student. But I don't really know him yet. He just posted something about letting go, which made me immediately think of this. And I wanted to post it in a comment. But then I was like, are we to the commenting portion of our friendship? Also, people sometimes post super personal things on facebook. What if he's talking about his parent dying and I'm all, "Frou Frou is so good!" Would it seem that I'm making light of the situation? We are not close friends and I don't know his life. I am awesome at making people feel uncomfortable. This is not a good thing. I'm trying to chill out about stuff like that. So, instead, I delete my comment and write a blog post about it.

But it's still incredibly interesting to think about the times in which we live. I am adopted. I am FB friends with my birth father and one of his brothers. I've met this brother once and that was 16 years ago. In February I posted the following from textsfromlastnight:

(617): I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."

In my day job, I process insurance claims. I often will post hilarious accidents. (don't worry HIPAA, i'm not using any identifiable information or breaking the law in any way) For instance, I made an incredibly witty post about a kid falling and hitting his head on a toilet, and then likening that to the flux capacitor being invented. I know. I am hysterical. Anyway, if you don't know me very well (or AT ALL) you might not know what my job is. On the other side of that, if I don't know YOU very well (or AT ALL), I won't be able to tell if and when you are joking-slash-being serious. This gentleman made a super long comment that made it seem like he thought I was the one saying those words. Basically, I should be thankful that I have a job that affords me a Mercedes and that I get to be around vaginas all day. But the thing is, I couldn't tell if he was kidding or if he thought I was kidding. Because I don't know this man, nor do I know his sense of humor. I clarified my comment stating I was merely quoting a post on a website. To which he responded with words that technically made a sentence, but made absolutely no sense. To this day, that remains the one and only interaction I have had with him since 1996.

I promise I have a point, and it's this: We are living in a world where a whole new set of etiquette rules are being determined and established. I never would've interacted with him had we not been facebook friends. But social media connects people in a completely new way. It has changed how we view celebrities. I will be so bold as to say reality television would not be NEARLY as popular as it currently is without social media. Because knowing what Kanye's poops look like makes him more of a person than an untouchable. No one knew a thing about Frank Sinatra's daily life. (sidenote: HOW AWESOME WOULD THAT HAVE BEEN??!) People had to wait for magazines and newspapers to be printed. Now we have youtube. Where you can get drunk and shoot a video for your friend, and then all of the sudden you have your own channel and you're being flown to London to post videos about the Olympics. Not to sound like I'm 80 (but I do) it's crazy how immediate everything is. Instant gratification. And so people post pictures of their food for hundreds of others to see. Thus, reality television.

All of this to say, I really enjoy Frou Frou.

Horrible, horrible nightmares last night. The first one actually woke me up. As in, my body was so desperate to not be in the dream anymore that I forced myself awake. I had to turn my light on like a four-year-old. It was before 5am, but I was so sleepy I couldn't keep my eyes open. So I fell back asleep and dreamed of a non-cartoon Scooby Doo who ATE OFF MY FACE. As it was happening, I was trying to get someone to kill me I was in so much agony. But I couldn't talk or see or hear because he ATE OFF MY FACE. Then I healed and turned into a faceless Christina Aguilera and was trying to find ways to die. I didn't want to live anymore. Eventually I was able to grab an extra shot of morphine from my nurse and inject it into my leg. Then I woke up. Still incredibly tired, but there's no way I was going to try to fall asleep again.

That '70s Show

I just finished watching all 8 seasons, thanks to Netflix instant. If you pretend season 8 never happened, it was a decent comedy. Not great. Not amazing. But not terrible. The characters were fun. There were story lines. But let me be clear, SEASON 8 SUCKED. It's like they gave up. Or got completely new writers. Or just didn't care anymore. If I didn't have this compulsion to finish what I've started (Heroes was the one exception. I stuck with it for two seasons, wanting it so badly to be good, but it just wasn't.), I would have stopped after the 5th episode. Not that something happened in the 5th episode. NOTHING HAPPENED. It's just that by the 5th episode I realized it wasn't going to get any better. It was all one line jokes. Yes, the other 7 seasons had jokes, but Season 8 was absolute crap.

My main complaint with the first few seasons was the acting of the girls. It's like every scene they were trying hard no to laugh (same with Debra Messing in 90% of the Will & Grace episodes). It was annoying. I wondered who lost out to Mila and Laura, and would those girls have done any better. But I'd take that any day over the horrid writing of the 8th season. Those guys were just phoning it in. And it wasn't even because Ashton Kutcher and Topher Grace had left the cast. Ashton had a ton of energy and Topher was the star of the show. So, yes, there was an emptiness. Seth Meyer's little brother Josh was hired to fill that hole. He wasn't bad, he just had stupid lines. I felt sorry for the actor. And what was up with Wilmer's voice? Because I watched all 8 seasons in a few weeks' time, it was glaringly obvious that it had changed. And not in a "I'm growing up" kind of way. More like a "I've partied too hard and now my voice is scratchy." It was weird to hear. Season 8 was almost like a completely different show. I wonder what the ratings were like. I wonder what was the fan reaction. Did they hate it? How could they not?

The first several seasons were fun to watch. You could clearly tell these guys were best friends. It looked like it would've been an amazing cast to be a part of. Fun and games all the time. But by the 8th season it was like they were all annoyed with each other. Or that fame had gotten in the way. It went from being a fun, brainless comedy to something that made me want to hurl my tv out the window, were I not too lazy to get off the couch.

So, my advice, if you decide to watch the series, is stop after Season 7. Fez and Jackie wind up together. Hyde marries a stripper for a little while. Donna and Eric share one last kiss. Bob moves to Florida. Red gets Packers Season Tickets, and Kitty drinks. The jokes are terrible. It's like watching bad improv. But instead of doing it for free to an audience of your friends, these peoplet were paid thousands and thousands of dollars each week to an audience all over the country. Which just makes me mad. :-)

Stupid internet. I just wrote this whole big post, and my computer froze as I was publishing.

To sum up:

My dad is sick.
He's in the hospital.
They don't know what's wrong.
Yesterday my mom took him to the ER and he was released after several hours. Later that night she took him back and they admitted him.
He's fine for now, but he's had a really high fever on and off for a week with bad chills.
I hate being so far away from my family.

I just had an odd interaction with a stranger at 1:30 in the morning. I was taking my dog out for his Before Bed Bathroom Break. Now, psnuggs can be unpredictable. He'll ignore some people and go after others, so I never know what mood he'll be in. But I do know that if people get too close, he gets nervous and on the defensive. I have a new leash and let him wander farther than the old one let him. I saw a guy getting out of his car, so I started to reign The Professor back in. He'd gotten ahead of me and tangled on the railings of the walk way. I wanted to tell the guy to wait until I'd gotten my dog away, but I didn't. I should have. Although my dog was on the outside of the walk way, it was an odd angle because the leash was wrapped around a pole. The guy passed by closely, and Professor lunged at him. I held him off and the guy continued on. We went about our business. A few minutes later, and in a different part of the complex, this guy approaches me. He asks my dog's name and then lets me know that Professor bit him. No skin was broken because he was wearing 2 layers of clothes (it's currently snowing in a part of the country that rarely sees snow), but he wanted to let me know that "that's not cool" and "some people could be litigious."

What does that mean? What was the purpose of him tracking me down? Why didn't he say anything right away? I was truly sorry my dog went after him. Going forward, when we're in a situation like that (close quarters) I will ask the person to stop until I have secured my dog. I do not want anyone hurt. I was completely mortified that this guy was bitten, but I was curious as to his approach. It seemed he wanted more than an apology. But he wasn't really asking for anything. Maybe he just wanted me to know? I'm not sure. He specifically said the word "litigious" twice. And he made sure he knew the name of my dog. I totally understand and don't begrudge him if he reports the incident to the apartment complex. But I wanted to ask him what he wanted to get out of his approach. There was no way to do this without him thinking I was being defensive. What would I have even said? "Can I help you with anything else?" I apologized, but that's really all I could do at the moment. No clothes were ripped. He wasn't hurt. It was just weird that he didn't say anything in the moment, and that he waited a few minutes and walked to a different part of the complex to talk to me.

I don't know what it was like for the first year of my dog's life. I know he was born and raised in a humane society. I saw the conditions in which he lived. I'm sure there was no abuse, but I'm also fairly certain there was neglect. And most likely fighting with other dogs. He's ferociously protective of me.

In the future, I will definitely request that the approaching person wait until I have my dog a safe distance away. A voice in my head kept saying "Ask this guy to stop until you've untangled the leash" but I didn't. I can't go back and change that. I'm glad that guy wasn't hurt. And I'm still curious as to his reasoning for coming after me. It may have been just to make me aware of the situation. But there seemed to be something else he wanted either to say to me or for me to say to him.

Etiquette

It's interesting the different forms of phone etiquette out there. I, personally, hate taking calls when someone else is in my car. I feel that's rude. And if I notice someone on the phone with whom I need to speak, I will wait til they're off to say hello.

I don't know many people in my complex. Those I do know, aside from M&K, I've met through my dog. There's one old woman who's very nice, but also a bit strange. A friend was taking care of p.snugg and ran into her. She addressed the dog directly, and not my friend, who spoke to her. This lady is an odd bird, yes. So, she's in the pool and I politely wave, but I continue my conversation. That should be the end of it. Instead, she tries to engage me in conversation about the fact that there's human feces in the pool. Fabulous. Thank you for letting me know. I will not swim in that pool for a while. However, lady, I am CLEARLY on the phone and will not have a full conversation with you. Nor will I walk around the iron fence to use my key to come into the pool area to SEE POOP! I sort of nodded said some throw away line, and continued on. She gets out and starts to follow me, CONTINUING to try to engage me in conversation.

At this point, I don't know what to do or say to let her know I'm not interested in her without seeming rude. Then I realized *she* was the one being rude. It's not like I was speaking with her first and took a call in the middle of our conversation. No. I was on the phone with a friend, who I am now ignoring. This is another one of my pet peeves. If there is too much excitement on your end of the conversation, maybe you shouldn't be on the phone. Don't call me if you're super distracted and then get off after a few minutes of wasted conversation. So, I was turning into my own pet peeve. Gross.

In the end, I felt bad for a half second, then got over it and ignored her as politely as I could and turned my attention back to my friend. I would love to see the conversation if Dude Who Hugs ever ran into Crazy Old Lady. They both have dogs. I see a friendship blossoming.

Several months ago I was hanging out with a friend. He brought a few beers over one night. It was that night that I realized my feelings for him had changed. Literally, the moment I opened the door and saw him standing there. Later in the evening, I saw a bottle cap from one of his beers. It had a phrase on the other side.

"Here Now"

That phrase has incredible significance to me. When I saw that cap, I thought, this is a moment I want to remember. This is a guy I want to be with. But does everything have to have significance? Can't this just be a bottle cap?

I think a reason it hit me so hard was because of the weight behind that phrase. It was something M and R used to say. We all adopted that phrase. Be here. Now. Be present in this moment in your life. Here. Now.

He called me as I was about to go in to a shift at Papa Johns.
"I need you."
"Are you okay?"
"I just walked home from the hospital."
"I'm on my way."

I had to call Worst Mistake and have him cover for me. I remember standing in my parents kitchen. Not knowing what had happened, but knowing it was bad. I remember the phone cord was really long. I went to his apartment. His door was unlocked. Open. I walked in. He was on his bed, which has always just been a mattress on the floor.

She'd had a seizure. I found out later that she'd been bulimic for years. She'd told him that night. She was in a coma in the hospital. They'd been at his apartment. He had to call 911. They walked him through basic life support until they could get there. It was Halloween. Her heart stopped twice. Once in the ambulance and once in the ER. They had to shock her. He watched it all. I can only imagine what that must've been like for him.

We went back to the hospital and pretty much stayed there for three days. I remember walking the long corridor to her room. We hated that walk. It was this weird honeycomb shaped hallway. Sort of sectioned off. We just wish it had been one long hallway. At one point, I took him out to eat. I can't remember where. Some chain like a Chilis, but it wasn't Chilis. He ordered food, then laid down in the booth and cried. Our waitress dropped our food off and looked at him and then at me.

"Please bring us a To Go box. I don't think we'll be eating here."
"If you don't mind my asking, what's wrong?"
"His girlfriend is in the ICU at Good Sam."
"Oh. My husband's best friend was there 8 months ago. Motorcycle accident. I really liked the layout. The way it curved like that. It gave you privacy. I hope your friend is okay." She wasn't.

Wow. I never realized that. It make the walk better. To see it from a different perspective. Our waitress smiled. Left the check, and went about her business. I looked at the name on the ticket. Angel.

On the way back to the hospital, I parked in the parking garage. I missed the first available spot b/c I wasn't paying attention. The second spot was slightly tight, and I just didn't want to bother with it. The third spot that was available was just right. And it was directly next to her car. Her parents had flown in from NY and were driving her car. Of all of the spots in this giant parking garage, the first one I took was next to hers.

See, I feel like I've been show certain things in my life. Running in to that waitress was no accident. Her name? I mean, come on. And the fact that she had a story about that particular ICU. A story which made it easier to walk down that horrible hallway.

A few years ago my dad had major heart surgery. We had to drop him off at the hospital the night before for lab work and prep. My sister and mom had gone off to get something to eat.

"I can't believe how strong you are at the moment. I need you to be strong for your mom and your sister."
"If they could see things the way I could, they would know there was nothing to worry about."

He'd been diagnosed with Marfan's Syndrom a few short months before. It was before the first snow fall. Before he ever had to shovel the driveway. Before they started moving into their new house: carrying boxes; going up and down basement stairs. So many things that could've killed him. They wouldn't have found it in time if he was just going to die on the operating room table. I knew that. I knew he would be okay.

Like I said, I can see things. Here Now has been a huge mantra in my life. To find it on a bottle cap about an hour after I realized I had feelings for someone was quite a shock. I hadn't thought about R in a long time. I hadn't thought about those three days. Was I reading more into that bottle cap that is there? Does it have to have significance? Why does everything have to mean something?

Because it does mean something.

To me.

Be here. Now. In this moment. Don't worry about what's behind you. Don't agonize over the future. Just breathe. Be present.

I pulled a muscle during my work out this morning because I haven't done strength training in over a week. So I decided not to spin. Which is fine b/c I'm still healing from a very important lesson learned last week: don't spin within 24 hours of a wax because YOUR SKIN WILL PEEL OFF. I took a shower at the gym and one of the zippers on my bag broke as I was getting my stuff. I get out of the shower and realize I forgot to pack a clean shirt. So I have to put back my nasty, sweaty work out shirt on over my clean skin.

It's not even noon and this day has already bested me.

You win, Day. You win.

Hug Attack!

There's a guy in my complex who has a dog. He's a nice enough guy. I first met him a few months ago and we chatted for a bit at the mailboxes. He invited me over to have dinner sometime with his girlfriend. I never went. I've seen him a few times since them--no big deal. He knows I do improv and I've mentioned that my only friends in Austin are improvisers. He says I should come out with him sometime and he'll introduce me to other people.

The last time I saw him was a little creepy. Previously we'd been around the complex; not directly in front of my building. This time I had my dog and I ran into him with his. We chatted for a bit, but I really have nothing to say to this dude. As I'm walking up my stairs, he says, "You're looking good." Like it was a throw away line. GROSS! It was totally creepy. We'd sort of already said goodbye and I was walking away and too much time had passed for him to say something. Anyway, that kind of freaked me out. Especially since he watched me walk into my apartment.

Yesterday I ran into him again. Again, polite chatter, but I needed to get moving. He comes at me and I think we're gonna shake hands or something, BUT HE HUGS ME! I do the polite pat on the back and scoot away as fast as possible. I was totally unprepared for that hug. What do I do now??! We've hugged goodbye once. Now he's going to expect that. How do you turn down a second hug? Now I'm paranoid whenever I take the dog out. Ohdeargod I hope I don't see this guy at night.

OK, so this it not a rhetorical question. What do I do the next time I see him if he goes in again for the hug? How do you say to someone, "I'm sure you're very nice but I don't know you that well and don't feel comfortable hugging you."? I mean, there's no way for this not to be weird. If I don't say anything, I'll get hug attacked. If I *do* say something, it will be super awkward. Man, I cannot remember a time I was hugged against my will.

Maybe he is cyberstalking me and reads this. If so: PLEASE DO NOT HUG ME. IT MAKES ME UNCOMFORTABLE.

I will, it seems, never learn. Last paycheck was about half of what it normally is because of the fire above. I couldn't work for an entire week. Last week was a new week, but I had improv literally 7 nights in a row, plus teaching, coaching, and training sessions. So I only did the minimum amount of work. Every Friday I say I'll just work 5 hours each day for the weekend. That way, by Monday I'll have almost hit my minimums. If something comes up during the week, I can go to that. Duke has invited me to hang out on his days off a few times, but I'm always scrambling to get my hours in. This weekend wrapped up my crazy improv marathon, plus Nanna was in town. So I didn't work one drop until Monday. I was able to get in 7.5 hours when I was kicked off the system. My claims are stored on the common drive. I can't process claims if I can't access the common drive. I emailed our IT guy and my supervisor to let them know I was having problems. Then I shut everything down and figured it would re-set itself over night. Sometimes it does that.

Not this time.

Marlynn called me the next day to let me know our server blew up. Everything is down. Our IT guy had been working all night trying to fix it b/c he had jury duty the next day and wasn't going to be at work. Turns out it won't be fixed until Friday at the earliest. I'm crippled. Marlynn is overnighting me claims. It is 3:07 and they have not arrived. I have to pick up the dog from his last day of training, walk him, shower, and coach tonight. My processing time availability for the day is fast departing. I can work a full 10 hours tomorrow, but that won't be enough to hit my minimums. My next paycheck is going to be super small, as well. And yet I'm hemorrhaging money. I just dropped close to $1800 on another round of personal training. At the end of the month-once class and high school is over-I'm going to sign up for dance lessons. If I were working a full 40 hours a week, which, by the way, isn't hard, I would not be worried about spending all this money. And yet, I am super lazy and not motivated to get stuff done.

Something has to change. But what? How do I get out of this rut? How do I manage my time better? If only I'd worked 4 stinking hours a day over the weekend, I'd be at my minimums and I wouldn't be worried about my paycheck. But no. I'm slacking and having too much fun. Fun isn't wrong, necessarily, but when it's getting in the way of daily responsibilities, it should be reigned in a bit. I have several mini-vacations coming up: LA, PHX, NOLA, and even an overnight at a spa. I have PLENTY of down time. And yet, I can't quite seem to squeeze in work. I love my job. I love the flexibility it affords me. I just can't seem to get a handle on it. I remember Barb saying she'd never telecommute again. She'd tried it several years ago. "I'm just the type of person who needs the structure of an office." I think I might be that type of person. So how do you change who you are?

Man, Improv and I are just not clicking this week. Last night was my worst NSL show. The night before was our worst GG show. Tonight I have another GG show with LAFF. Hopefully that will go better. Well, ya can't be on all the time, I guess.

who looks at my flickr account? why do i go from 1 view one day, to 150 views the next. i'm just curious as to who is browsing through my stuff.

in other news: this work week is over. tomorrow starts a new pay period. thank god. this past week was insane stress for me. friday i am going to enjoy a hardcore work out with jenny followed by some spinning. then katie and i are gonna walk the dogs. then i'm meeting liz for happy hour. and i have a late NSL show. next week will be better than this week. i'm willing it so.

everything hurts

There are a lot of retired people at the gym in the morning. I look at the old women and wonder what I'm going to look like when I'm in my 60s. They're so cute in the group classes with their little friends and their pastel colors. The men are just as adorable. One guy today was walking the track in a plaid shirt and khaki pants. I just wanted to give him a hug!

I think I'm gonna make a cool old lady.

trying to remember my dreams last night. they were weird. the first one i was living with faith in a bungalow-type place. i got up to feed the professor, and i saw there was different food than what i put out. i fumbled around in the dark until i found the living room light. when i turned it on, there was a huge dog and bunny rabbit laying on an ottoman. in the middle of the night, the apartment complex had broken in and delivered these two animals at the request of a friend who wanted me to look after them for a while. most of the dream was spent trying to track down that friend b/c i just didn't have time to take care of another person's responsibility. oh, and my bedroom light wouldn't turn on. i think i spent a portion of the dream trying to change lightbulbs only to figure out that it was really a short.

the next one was an ocean dream. i had my surf board and the boston boys were there. it was this enclosed place: short beach that you had to go through these giant steal doors to get to, then water, then jungle. and there were so many people around. i swam out against the waves, trying to get to this dock at the back by the jungle. once i reached the dock, i knew i'd be able to surf. the water was clear and nice. one of the waves came quickly after the second, and i didn't have enough time to surface and catch my breath. i thought i was going to drown, but at the last minute i was able to pop up. i made it to the dock, and the boston boys & a few other improvisers were there. big sam, i think. i just remember chaz saying he thought i would do really well, but i was afraid to stand up on my board b/c there were so many people around i didn't want to accidentally hurt anyone. so i swam out to a place where there were no people. to the far left was a testing area for some government program. the middle was off limits. so i was restricted to the original area. when i got back, the water had drained. everyone waited around for a while until an announcement was made that they shut off the ocean. we trudged back in. someone had let my dog out, so i had to catch him. then there was something with a criminal and i was an FBI agent (which i had apparently been all along) and i had to chase him for a really long time and there was a nuclear blast that i lived through b/c i found a metal roof top to a shed that i held up.

weird dreams. still not enough sleep. went to bed around 12:30 then i woke up at 5, 6, 7, and finally got out of bed around 8. boo on that.

tonight was a fun show. i think matt, patricia, and i can only get better. hopefully we'll have more opportunities to play in the future. i felt like my personal performance could've been better. at one point i realized that a couple of my characters held her hands in the same manner. nitpicky, yes, but it bugged me all the same. and i could feel myself slouching. i've seen several pictures from past performances where i'm slouching. do i slouch in real life? i hate slouchers. i don't want to be one.

i wanted to hang out after, but i was a ride giver to someone who needed to get home. which is better, anyway, the more i think about what this week entails. class, rehearsal, and a training session tomorrow. high schoolers and rehearsal wednesday. GG show and training session thursday. on top of all of that, i need to squeeze in a minimum of 5 hours of work/day. i'm so far behind in my emails and referrals it's daunting. stupid fire above me keeping me from work for an entire week. hopefully i can fall asleep tonight. i've been having problems with that, lately. but, to be fair, a couple of nights ago it was due to a long phone call back west.

i spoke with faith today and perhaps wasn't the nicest. there has only been one other time that i've stopped her in the middle of telling me something to let her know i can't hear about it anymore. this time was her latest weight loss scheme. when she gets back from cannes, she's going to do this crazy 500 calorie/day plus some kind of pregnant woman supplement for like 28 days. yes, you will lose weight, but it is ENTIRELY UNHEALTHY. i was a nutritional counselor in ohio. i have been extensively trained in what the body needs to survive. plus, i find it an interesting topic and have read several books. and having personal trainers on and off for my adult life has given me an insight into that, as well. so when i hear that my mom is doing some crazy cookie diet instead of eating well and exercising, and faith is going to basically starve herself for a month and take some pills, it's really hard to take. once you go back to eating normally, you will gain it all back. BECAUSE YOU HAVEN'T CHANGED THE HABITS THAT GOT YOU THERE IN THE FIRST PLACE. *and* it's really hard on your system--your heart in particular--to do that. if you're going to be so restrictive, you literally need to be checked on every week to be safe. she already has a bad relationship with food in her past. i worry about what she's going to do to herself. LA is a really hard place to live. i watched sarah b who is THE SIZE OF MY LEFT LEG I'M NOT EVEN KIDDING poke her belly while looking in the mirror--upset at what she saw. THAT'S WHERE YOUR ORGANS GO. YOU CAN'T POSSIBLY BE ANY SKINNIER. i'm so glad i'm out of that place. i'm a pretty average size girl, but i was definitely on the big side in LA. it's depressing to go into an audition and out-weigh everyone by 20 pounds. so, i know she feels that pressure. i just wish she'd be smart about it.

and my mom is killing me as well. i flat out asked her why she didn't just change how she ate, and she said it was because she didn't want to. fair enough. but when you're on a ton of meds, if you add exercise to your daily life and cut out the ice cream, it can only help. i remember johnny telling me how he'd take a shot of insulin so he could eat a stack of pancakes. THAT'S NOT WHAT IT'S FOR. guys, i love you. you are my family. please stop killing yourselves. it makes me sad. to my mom's credit, though, she emailed me this morning to tell me she started her thing and that she also worked out today. i hope it's one of those "if i can only lose 10 pounds that would help jump start me to healthier ways". that's definitely how it's been for me. i've been working out with a trainer for 3 months now, but i haven't really changed the way i eat (which resembles a crazy sugar addict). after the first 6 weeks, even though i hadn't dropped a pound, i'd shed 2% body fat. that felt good. and saturday i weighed in the 150s, which i haven't seen since 2008. so, it's been much easier recently to stay focused and not scarf down all of the donuts in a 5 mile radius. my clothes are fitting differently. i'm feeling better. i'm gaining more confidence. i guess i just want to be a good example for mom and faith. i want them to be healthy. i want us all to be healthy. throwing a pill at the problem doesn't fix the problem. sometimes it can make it worse.

April was not a good month for my friends in relationships. Lindsay and Chris called it quits for the last time. He's moving to Spain for a while. Then, a few days ago I'd noticed the wife of a friend of mine posting FB status updates like, "I found an apartment." So I emailed my friend questioning the use of "I" instead of "we" and found out they're divorcing. This morning I woke up to an email from a close girlfriend of mine letting me know that she and her boyfriend broke up *and* her father passed. Holy cow. Slow it down, Universe. (ETA: yet another divorce between two acquaintances of mine--found out tonight.)

Last week my parents and I had the What Are You Doing With Your Life talk. I told them I'm doing exactly what I want to do. My job is something that pays the bills--it's not a career. Improv is not a hobby, it's what I do. If that paid the bills, I'd do it full time. But it doesn't. I'm more creatively satisfied at this point in my life than I have ever been in the past. I feel that the work I've been doing lately has been good and I really love teaching. I'm happy with my apartment and dog. But, in a way, I feel like I've let them down. I know they want me to have a family and get married. They've never pressured me about it, and for that I'm thankful. But I've always known I'd never have the "traditional" life they thought I'd lead. I mean, even as a kid the way I was taught life goes is you go to college, get married, and have a family. That's not the path I followed. Almost none of my friends in the entertainment industry are married, while almost all of my friends outside of it are.

And now L & C aren't together anymore. I think they were sort of pinning most of their expectations on her--maybe not consciously. Now they have two single daughters who don't exactly have marriage at the front of their minds. I suppose I feel like I'm a bit of a disappointment. Which is ridiculous, yes. I know they're proud of me. But one thing my folks want in their lives is a grandchild. I never made the connection before that my choices can affect my parents in that way. Again, they've never voiced this to me before, but I could hear it when we spoke. When I told them that this is it: I'm doing exactly what I want to do in life. They were like, "Oh. OK. Well, good, as long as you're happy." I am. I *am* happy. I am doing *exactly* what I want to be doing with my life. I wish I could give them what they want, but I can't. Hopefully they can settle for pictures of the dog.

You know how when you're reading a book you can skip ahead a bit and see the future of the story? You don't read a lot, just enough to get a glimpse of where things are heading.

I wish you could do that with life.

Looking forward to Los Angeles. Looking forward to Phoenix. Looking forward to New Orleans. Looking forward to getting away for a while. Not looking forward to figuring out what I'm gonna do with the dog. Running out of friends with no pets. Oh well. It'll come.

I'm 4 for 4 in terms of dudes expressing an interest and then immediately getting a girlfriend. Can I call Shenanigans on my life? Austin, seriously, what is up with that?

Today I went with Liz to Eeyore's Birthday. We brought The Professor. I had a party the other day, and he did pretty well--considering that's the most people to ever be in my apartment at one time. He did really well in a huge park with a million people and lots of drumming. My camera died, so when I came home I dug out my charger. In the same basket was a letter from my dad. In 2004 he had major heart surgery, and it was not a guarantee that he would come out the other side. He wrote a letter to each of us.

I love my father. I am so thankful for both my folks. I know they won't be around forever, and occasionally I think of that. But I'm very much the type of person who doesn't want to die with regret. If I am hit by a bus tomorrow, everyone I love knows I love them. I was even able to patch things up with an old high school friend with whom I'd lost touch. Anyway, there is nothing left to be said. My friends and family know how much I love them. I don't feel like I really have anything I'd regret. I was calm when we dropped him off at the hospital, and it was because I had nothing left unsaid. If he came through, great. If he didn't, well, there's nothing I can do about that. I got to spend a few days with him before the surgery, and my heart is an open book. It was nice to get this letter.

4/28/04

Ashley,

You will never know Mom and I were so happy and yet so scared when you came into our lives. You were our first big "responsibility" and you did not come with any instruction manual. You helped us figure out that it was OK to eat just cottage cheese or only baby applesauce for extended periods of time. I hope you will take a daily multiple vitamin to catch up for those early years. I remember you running around our house at Porter Drive in your mobile play seat, falling asleep in the swing (be sure to get one of these when you have children - they are worth more than gold - Mom can tell you why), running between Mom and me up and down the short hall and playing in your crib waiting for us to come and get you up.

At Parkview - playing with Matt Hand and going trick or treating with me, but being too shy to say "trick or treat" the first year, so I said it for you. That was about the extent of the shyness however as everyone always told us how mature and outgoing you were from your earliest days. Watching you head off to school the first day was huge for Mom and I, how could out little girl be ready for school so quickly? Moving to Turtleback and watching you quickly adjust to new friends, school, situation - I knew then that you would be successful in life. It is wonderful to watch your child grow into a confident young woman.

Thank you for doing the sports thing as well - watching you play baseball and basketball was great and I am glad that while you were willing to put up with a "little league" parent you found your acting. Watching the progression from the early dance recitals, to school plays, to Write State, to your play at the Dayton Play House has been a source of tremendous joy for me. Your one person show at WSU really did convince me that it was important for you to pursue this as your passion. You may never make it to the cast of the next "Friends", but I hope you will continue to pursue it all your life - the rewards will be there.

I guess the only regret I might have, and at most it is a very small one, is that I feel I really was not able to help you as much as I would have liked. I eventually came to realize how funny it was that your grades in algebra improved dramatically after I stopped helping you each evening with your homework. Imagine a guy who struggled to "C's" in algebra trying to help a MENSA person. Glad I finally stopped holding you back.

The time seems to go by so quickly for parents with their children. It is truly hard to imagine how you became 26 so quickly. Why it was just yesterday we were doing Indian Princesses (youngest Wowitan Maiden ever), walking in the forest preserve, learning to ride your bike, and retrieving you from the mud puddle in the back yard. Kids provide you with the best memories and I hope you make the time to include them in your life. But, stick with your acting too, I will always be up in the balcony cheering for you at curtain call.

Please thank Debbie and Johnny for me again - I know that many women feel that abortion is an important right - but my life would have been so much less rich if two scared teenagers had made an "easy" choice to solve a "problem". There is always room at the table for one more if we all just move a bit closer together.

All my love forever and watch for me in the balcony, upper right.

Dad

I am so grateful that he was able to write this letter to me. Many of my friends have lost their fathers suddenly and were unable to say goodbye. And although he made it through the surgery and is doing well 6 years later (almost to the day), I am glad to have this letter and know what's in his heart.

Today is officially Thwart Ashley day. I didn't get home last night til late, but then I couldn't fall asleep because I was too tired. That's dumb. Wanted to cancel session with Jenny, but didn't. Had a good workout, surprisingly. Came home to shower--not enough time for a nap. Headed to airport. Back again, need to work. Instead, tried to nap. Puppy was wandering around and wouldn't sit still. Turns out he needed to pee. Nevermind we'd just been out 4 hours before. So, instead of working or sleeping, I steam cleaned my bedroom and washed the towels I'd used to mop up. Silver lining: my room is extremely clean. I figured I should take him out for a walk, or at least to pee some more. But no, it's raining.

This weekend I literally have 4 hours to myself, and I need to work in that time. That was part of the reason I couldn't fall asleep last night. I was thinking about my two shows and a trivia game (which should be fun) and two rehearsals and my high school kids' show and hitting the gym and seeing Nando, who's in town.

Eric has a website. I've been listening to his music for the past half hour. It's making me miss LA. We were in Latchkey Kids and iO classes together. He was my Baby Bird. Such a cool guy. I have some of his songs on my ipod, but the quality isn't that great. I'm looking forward to his EP coming out. It's nice to hear his voice again. That kid can write a love song.

I remember the first time I met him. It was at PIF, which is happening right now, actually. Convergence of connections! He and his friend were driving across the country for a Chevy promotion, doing improv along the way. They were in Austin the week before, and Justin gave me the heads up. My first impression was not great. I mean, it wasn't bad. But he's the first dude I met who wore guyliner. So, I guess I was a little judgey. But he mentioned he was moving to LA and I was doing the same in a couple of months, so I gave him my number. He never called. I had completely forgotten about him until Level 2 with Mike Bertrando. Eric looked so familiar, but I couldn't place how I knew him. I think it was the 3rd class that I started questioning him about where all he's lived and where he's been and what he's done. I was determined to figure out why he was so familiar. Finally Phoenix came up. I remember thinking, huh, I now adore the guy I originally thought was kinda douchey. I now no longer judge guys who wear makeup. One of my favorite memories: sitting on his floor listening to him play some of his new music. Each song was about a different girl, and I got to hear the back story. The last song was a love song to his guitar. I told him he should release an album where all the songs were titled after the girls for which they were written. And the last track on the album should be the one to his guitar. I still hope that happens.

This makes me melancholy. I miss my friend.

"Holding your eyes
As we said our goodbyes.
And I thought about the feel of your body on mine.
And it's good that I'm nervous
Cuz it means that I want this
And I'm not gonna stray from this course.
And it's clear I've got feelings
For this flattery I'm dealing.
So just learn to like the nice guy and I'm yours."

I was on the phone with my new neighbors, walking to my car, when I saw people standing around outside.

"Someone's hurt in our complex."

I couldn't see what happened, but a boy, maybe late teens, was sitting with three people around him. I didn't see a skateboard or bike, so I had no idea what could be wrong. I was heading to the grocery store and saw the ambulance. Unfortunately, it was stuck at the train tracks behind a very long train.

It made me think of when I was a flower delivery volunteer at the hospital in my teens. I used to pretend that each flower I delivered would heal the recipient when he inhaled the fragrance. When I drove by this kid on my way out of the complex, I pictured a flower blooming for him.

I hope he's okay.