Monday, May 03, 2010

tonight was a fun show. i think matt, patricia, and i can only get better. hopefully we'll have more opportunities to play in the future. i felt like my personal performance could've been better. at one point i realized that a couple of my characters held her hands in the same manner. nitpicky, yes, but it bugged me all the same. and i could feel myself slouching. i've seen several pictures from past performances where i'm slouching. do i slouch in real life? i hate slouchers. i don't want to be one.

i wanted to hang out after, but i was a ride giver to someone who needed to get home. which is better, anyway, the more i think about what this week entails. class, rehearsal, and a training session tomorrow. high schoolers and rehearsal wednesday. GG show and training session thursday. on top of all of that, i need to squeeze in a minimum of 5 hours of work/day. i'm so far behind in my emails and referrals it's daunting. stupid fire above me keeping me from work for an entire week. hopefully i can fall asleep tonight. i've been having problems with that, lately. but, to be fair, a couple of nights ago it was due to a long phone call back west.

i spoke with faith today and perhaps wasn't the nicest. there has only been one other time that i've stopped her in the middle of telling me something to let her know i can't hear about it anymore. this time was her latest weight loss scheme. when she gets back from cannes, she's going to do this crazy 500 calorie/day plus some kind of pregnant woman supplement for like 28 days. yes, you will lose weight, but it is ENTIRELY UNHEALTHY. i was a nutritional counselor in ohio. i have been extensively trained in what the body needs to survive. plus, i find it an interesting topic and have read several books. and having personal trainers on and off for my adult life has given me an insight into that, as well. so when i hear that my mom is doing some crazy cookie diet instead of eating well and exercising, and faith is going to basically starve herself for a month and take some pills, it's really hard to take. once you go back to eating normally, you will gain it all back. BECAUSE YOU HAVEN'T CHANGED THE HABITS THAT GOT YOU THERE IN THE FIRST PLACE. *and* it's really hard on your system--your heart in particular--to do that. if you're going to be so restrictive, you literally need to be checked on every week to be safe. she already has a bad relationship with food in her past. i worry about what she's going to do to herself. LA is a really hard place to live. i watched sarah b who is THE SIZE OF MY LEFT LEG I'M NOT EVEN KIDDING poke her belly while looking in the mirror--upset at what she saw. THAT'S WHERE YOUR ORGANS GO. YOU CAN'T POSSIBLY BE ANY SKINNIER. i'm so glad i'm out of that place. i'm a pretty average size girl, but i was definitely on the big side in LA. it's depressing to go into an audition and out-weigh everyone by 20 pounds. so, i know she feels that pressure. i just wish she'd be smart about it.

and my mom is killing me as well. i flat out asked her why she didn't just change how she ate, and she said it was because she didn't want to. fair enough. but when you're on a ton of meds, if you add exercise to your daily life and cut out the ice cream, it can only help. i remember johnny telling me how he'd take a shot of insulin so he could eat a stack of pancakes. THAT'S NOT WHAT IT'S FOR. guys, i love you. you are my family. please stop killing yourselves. it makes me sad. to my mom's credit, though, she emailed me this morning to tell me she started her thing and that she also worked out today. i hope it's one of those "if i can only lose 10 pounds that would help jump start me to healthier ways". that's definitely how it's been for me. i've been working out with a trainer for 3 months now, but i haven't really changed the way i eat (which resembles a crazy sugar addict). after the first 6 weeks, even though i hadn't dropped a pound, i'd shed 2% body fat. that felt good. and saturday i weighed in the 150s, which i haven't seen since 2008. so, it's been much easier recently to stay focused and not scarf down all of the donuts in a 5 mile radius. my clothes are fitting differently. i'm feeling better. i'm gaining more confidence. i guess i just want to be a good example for mom and faith. i want them to be healthy. i want us all to be healthy. throwing a pill at the problem doesn't fix the problem. sometimes it can make it worse.


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