You know how when you're reading a book you can skip ahead a bit and see the future of the story? You don't read a lot, just enough to get a glimpse of where things are heading.

I wish you could do that with life.

Looking forward to Los Angeles. Looking forward to Phoenix. Looking forward to New Orleans. Looking forward to getting away for a while. Not looking forward to figuring out what I'm gonna do with the dog. Running out of friends with no pets. Oh well. It'll come.

I'm 4 for 4 in terms of dudes expressing an interest and then immediately getting a girlfriend. Can I call Shenanigans on my life? Austin, seriously, what is up with that?

Today I went with Liz to Eeyore's Birthday. We brought The Professor. I had a party the other day, and he did pretty well--considering that's the most people to ever be in my apartment at one time. He did really well in a huge park with a million people and lots of drumming. My camera died, so when I came home I dug out my charger. In the same basket was a letter from my dad. In 2004 he had major heart surgery, and it was not a guarantee that he would come out the other side. He wrote a letter to each of us.

I love my father. I am so thankful for both my folks. I know they won't be around forever, and occasionally I think of that. But I'm very much the type of person who doesn't want to die with regret. If I am hit by a bus tomorrow, everyone I love knows I love them. I was even able to patch things up with an old high school friend with whom I'd lost touch. Anyway, there is nothing left to be said. My friends and family know how much I love them. I don't feel like I really have anything I'd regret. I was calm when we dropped him off at the hospital, and it was because I had nothing left unsaid. If he came through, great. If he didn't, well, there's nothing I can do about that. I got to spend a few days with him before the surgery, and my heart is an open book. It was nice to get this letter.

4/28/04

Ashley,

You will never know Mom and I were so happy and yet so scared when you came into our lives. You were our first big "responsibility" and you did not come with any instruction manual. You helped us figure out that it was OK to eat just cottage cheese or only baby applesauce for extended periods of time. I hope you will take a daily multiple vitamin to catch up for those early years. I remember you running around our house at Porter Drive in your mobile play seat, falling asleep in the swing (be sure to get one of these when you have children - they are worth more than gold - Mom can tell you why), running between Mom and me up and down the short hall and playing in your crib waiting for us to come and get you up.

At Parkview - playing with Matt Hand and going trick or treating with me, but being too shy to say "trick or treat" the first year, so I said it for you. That was about the extent of the shyness however as everyone always told us how mature and outgoing you were from your earliest days. Watching you head off to school the first day was huge for Mom and I, how could out little girl be ready for school so quickly? Moving to Turtleback and watching you quickly adjust to new friends, school, situation - I knew then that you would be successful in life. It is wonderful to watch your child grow into a confident young woman.

Thank you for doing the sports thing as well - watching you play baseball and basketball was great and I am glad that while you were willing to put up with a "little league" parent you found your acting. Watching the progression from the early dance recitals, to school plays, to Write State, to your play at the Dayton Play House has been a source of tremendous joy for me. Your one person show at WSU really did convince me that it was important for you to pursue this as your passion. You may never make it to the cast of the next "Friends", but I hope you will continue to pursue it all your life - the rewards will be there.

I guess the only regret I might have, and at most it is a very small one, is that I feel I really was not able to help you as much as I would have liked. I eventually came to realize how funny it was that your grades in algebra improved dramatically after I stopped helping you each evening with your homework. Imagine a guy who struggled to "C's" in algebra trying to help a MENSA person. Glad I finally stopped holding you back.

The time seems to go by so quickly for parents with their children. It is truly hard to imagine how you became 26 so quickly. Why it was just yesterday we were doing Indian Princesses (youngest Wowitan Maiden ever), walking in the forest preserve, learning to ride your bike, and retrieving you from the mud puddle in the back yard. Kids provide you with the best memories and I hope you make the time to include them in your life. But, stick with your acting too, I will always be up in the balcony cheering for you at curtain call.

Please thank Debbie and Johnny for me again - I know that many women feel that abortion is an important right - but my life would have been so much less rich if two scared teenagers had made an "easy" choice to solve a "problem". There is always room at the table for one more if we all just move a bit closer together.

All my love forever and watch for me in the balcony, upper right.

Dad

I am so grateful that he was able to write this letter to me. Many of my friends have lost their fathers suddenly and were unable to say goodbye. And although he made it through the surgery and is doing well 6 years later (almost to the day), I am glad to have this letter and know what's in his heart.

Today is officially Thwart Ashley day. I didn't get home last night til late, but then I couldn't fall asleep because I was too tired. That's dumb. Wanted to cancel session with Jenny, but didn't. Had a good workout, surprisingly. Came home to shower--not enough time for a nap. Headed to airport. Back again, need to work. Instead, tried to nap. Puppy was wandering around and wouldn't sit still. Turns out he needed to pee. Nevermind we'd just been out 4 hours before. So, instead of working or sleeping, I steam cleaned my bedroom and washed the towels I'd used to mop up. Silver lining: my room is extremely clean. I figured I should take him out for a walk, or at least to pee some more. But no, it's raining.

This weekend I literally have 4 hours to myself, and I need to work in that time. That was part of the reason I couldn't fall asleep last night. I was thinking about my two shows and a trivia game (which should be fun) and two rehearsals and my high school kids' show and hitting the gym and seeing Nando, who's in town.

Eric has a website. I've been listening to his music for the past half hour. It's making me miss LA. We were in Latchkey Kids and iO classes together. He was my Baby Bird. Such a cool guy. I have some of his songs on my ipod, but the quality isn't that great. I'm looking forward to his EP coming out. It's nice to hear his voice again. That kid can write a love song.

I remember the first time I met him. It was at PIF, which is happening right now, actually. Convergence of connections! He and his friend were driving across the country for a Chevy promotion, doing improv along the way. They were in Austin the week before, and Justin gave me the heads up. My first impression was not great. I mean, it wasn't bad. But he's the first dude I met who wore guyliner. So, I guess I was a little judgey. But he mentioned he was moving to LA and I was doing the same in a couple of months, so I gave him my number. He never called. I had completely forgotten about him until Level 2 with Mike Bertrando. Eric looked so familiar, but I couldn't place how I knew him. I think it was the 3rd class that I started questioning him about where all he's lived and where he's been and what he's done. I was determined to figure out why he was so familiar. Finally Phoenix came up. I remember thinking, huh, I now adore the guy I originally thought was kinda douchey. I now no longer judge guys who wear makeup. One of my favorite memories: sitting on his floor listening to him play some of his new music. Each song was about a different girl, and I got to hear the back story. The last song was a love song to his guitar. I told him he should release an album where all the songs were titled after the girls for which they were written. And the last track on the album should be the one to his guitar. I still hope that happens.

This makes me melancholy. I miss my friend.

"Holding your eyes
As we said our goodbyes.
And I thought about the feel of your body on mine.
And it's good that I'm nervous
Cuz it means that I want this
And I'm not gonna stray from this course.
And it's clear I've got feelings
For this flattery I'm dealing.
So just learn to like the nice guy and I'm yours."

I was on the phone with my new neighbors, walking to my car, when I saw people standing around outside.

"Someone's hurt in our complex."

I couldn't see what happened, but a boy, maybe late teens, was sitting with three people around him. I didn't see a skateboard or bike, so I had no idea what could be wrong. I was heading to the grocery store and saw the ambulance. Unfortunately, it was stuck at the train tracks behind a very long train.

It made me think of when I was a flower delivery volunteer at the hospital in my teens. I used to pretend that each flower I delivered would heal the recipient when he inhaled the fragrance. When I drove by this kid on my way out of the complex, I pictured a flower blooming for him.

I hope he's okay.

I tend to approach life both like a chess game and like an if/then equation. I try to see every possible outcome of a situation before I make a move. I feel like this is an efficient, effective way to live. For me, personally. But I also wonder if this holds me back in certain areas. I am less likely to take a risk if I can see the path of decisions leads to a dead end.

For instance, I had a crush on a kid several months ago but did nothing about it. He was a student. Even though they don't follow the student/teacher relationship rule strictly, I do. So I never said anything because it would do no good. Then he stopped taking classes and moved to another country. We emailed a few times. One night he drunkenly confessed a small crush. I soberly did the same. We didn't have contact after that. This didn't bother me, as he was on the other side of the planet. But now he's coming back. He asked me some class questions in an email. I answered. And although I wanted to ask him out for drinks, I decided not to. Again, what good would it do? I don't know exactly when he'll be back. For simplicity's sake, let's say it's tomorrow. He can either accept or decline my hypothetical invitation. If he declines, end of story. If he accepts, what then? We either go out again or we don't. If we don't, end of story. But if we do, what would be the point? He wants to start classes again in May. I would end it when classes started. So why even bother beginning anything in the first place?

On the other hand, am I missing out on experiences and connections with people because I have exhausted all options in my head before they've even had a chance to play out in real life? Or am I correctly saving two people from complications and hurt feelings? Part of it is I'm super tired of relationships not going anywhere. I've had people ask me out, then I've gotten my hopes up that something interesting could progress, only to have the date never materialize because he's moved his attentions elsewhere. This is frustrating. Harmless Crush is the exception. Neither one of us wants it to go anywhere and we're both happy with the current situation.

I feel like my life has enough complications as it is. I don't need to add another. So, as much as I wanted to ask this guy out, I refrained. I suppose if he does the asking, I will say yes. But I don't see the point of making a move if the game will be over in four. I realize I'm playing it safe. On the other hand, what's wrong with a little fun? What's the harm in enjoying someone's company for a while, even if it's not going to get serious. I'm definitely a product of my past. I've never really casually dated before. I've always been in committed relationships. So why not try out something light and just enjoy the moment? I think part of it is that I don't want to hurt anyone. Again, if I look at my past, there are a few guys I've hung out with who then developed deeper feelings for me and solid friendships were tested and even destroyed. All have eventually recovered, but I unintentionally caused pain to people I cared about. So if I were to enter a casual relationship with the knowledge that for me it won't go any further, is that fair to the other person? I think I need to stop worrying about other people's feelings so much. That doesnt make me a heartless bitch; it's just that he's an adult and can take care of himself. I have to remember that. In my quest to spare everyone's feelings, I have to remember that each person makes his own decisions. He hasn't even decided to ask me out. This is all conjecture anyway. But I've already played out the possibilities and have decided to wait for him to make a move. If any move is to be made.

I don't want to go out tonight. I want to see the Bonk! show and I want to hit the opening night party, but I also want to be in bed. Before Matt and Katie and I went out to dinner, I did my hair and makeup. This was to motivate me to leave the house after. But tomorrow I want to work and go to the gym and then I have a show. Plus, the next 10 days are going to be ridiculously busy. I won't get to sleep until next Saturday. So if I go to bed now, I can get a nice night's sleep and get all my stuff done. If I go out, I'll be out late then sleep in and not hit the gym.

I had some time to kill between dinner and the show so I called my sister. She officially changed her facebook status today, and I wanted to check up on her. She was out at a bar, so we texted for a bit. Then I called MVT. We talked just over an hour, which means I have now missed Bonk! The question remains: Do I go to the opening night party? Lubu isn't too terribly far from me. Probably everyone I know will be there. My hair and makeup is done. But my couch is comfy and my dog is snuggling with me. And I am yawning as I type. Why can't I just beam myself from my couch to Lubu's? That would be nice.

Update: no one returned my texts. Bed it is!

Double Update: it's 3:30 and i'm just getting home.