Monday, April 05, 2010

I tend to approach life both like a chess game and like an if/then equation. I try to see every possible outcome of a situation before I make a move. I feel like this is an efficient, effective way to live. For me, personally. But I also wonder if this holds me back in certain areas. I am less likely to take a risk if I can see the path of decisions leads to a dead end.

For instance, I had a crush on a kid several months ago but did nothing about it. He was a student. Even though they don't follow the student/teacher relationship rule strictly, I do. So I never said anything because it would do no good. Then he stopped taking classes and moved to another country. We emailed a few times. One night he drunkenly confessed a small crush. I soberly did the same. We didn't have contact after that. This didn't bother me, as he was on the other side of the planet. But now he's coming back. He asked me some class questions in an email. I answered. And although I wanted to ask him out for drinks, I decided not to. Again, what good would it do? I don't know exactly when he'll be back. For simplicity's sake, let's say it's tomorrow. He can either accept or decline my hypothetical invitation. If he declines, end of story. If he accepts, what then? We either go out again or we don't. If we don't, end of story. But if we do, what would be the point? He wants to start classes again in May. I would end it when classes started. So why even bother beginning anything in the first place?

On the other hand, am I missing out on experiences and connections with people because I have exhausted all options in my head before they've even had a chance to play out in real life? Or am I correctly saving two people from complications and hurt feelings? Part of it is I'm super tired of relationships not going anywhere. I've had people ask me out, then I've gotten my hopes up that something interesting could progress, only to have the date never materialize because he's moved his attentions elsewhere. This is frustrating. Harmless Crush is the exception. Neither one of us wants it to go anywhere and we're both happy with the current situation.

I feel like my life has enough complications as it is. I don't need to add another. So, as much as I wanted to ask this guy out, I refrained. I suppose if he does the asking, I will say yes. But I don't see the point of making a move if the game will be over in four. I realize I'm playing it safe. On the other hand, what's wrong with a little fun? What's the harm in enjoying someone's company for a while, even if it's not going to get serious. I'm definitely a product of my past. I've never really casually dated before. I've always been in committed relationships. So why not try out something light and just enjoy the moment? I think part of it is that I don't want to hurt anyone. Again, if I look at my past, there are a few guys I've hung out with who then developed deeper feelings for me and solid friendships were tested and even destroyed. All have eventually recovered, but I unintentionally caused pain to people I cared about. So if I were to enter a casual relationship with the knowledge that for me it won't go any further, is that fair to the other person? I think I need to stop worrying about other people's feelings so much. That doesnt make me a heartless bitch; it's just that he's an adult and can take care of himself. I have to remember that. In my quest to spare everyone's feelings, I have to remember that each person makes his own decisions. He hasn't even decided to ask me out. This is all conjecture anyway. But I've already played out the possibilities and have decided to wait for him to make a move. If any move is to be made.


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