Thursday, January 22, 2009

I'm having issues. There's stuff going on that I've been thinking about for a while. Improv. I'm doing a lot of it. I'm in 3 troupes that perform regularly. Saturday I have 2 shows and hosting duties and a mini-rehearsal before one of the shows. Several Saturdays in February I have 3 shows booked. I feel like I have no time.

But do I just not manage it well? That's the million dollar question. And part of the truth is that I don't. But the other part of that truth is because I feel like I'm drowning. I'll take an hour to eat breakfast and watch one of my shows. I'll do the same at lunch. Let's take Mondays, for instance. I have to get 8 hours of work in before 7 so I can make it to rehearsal by 8. That should be easy. If I went into the office, I would be done working at 4. But because my schedule is so packed with rehearsals and shows and trying to make it to the gym, I'll take my time in the morning, mentally preparing myself for the full day ahead.

Today I have seriously been considering dropping one of my improv troupes. I'm definitely dropping Maestro after Saturday's show. So, that's only 2 troupes and a side project (Nugefield has its first performance in a couple of weeks. We have yet to rehearse). I've also been thinking about dropping Latchkey Kids. No matter what, I'm dropping all of my troupes two months before I move so I can focus on work and gym and just generally having fun. See, because that's definitely missing. I have so many shows and rehearsals that I feel like my life is all work. But isn't that how successful people do it? You don't hear Kelly Ripa complaining. She would get up at 4 in the morning to shoot with Regis, then rush over to the AMC set, then for a little while she had that sitcom. *And* she has a husband and children. People who are that level of success work their asses off.

That's my problem. That's always been my problem. A "B" in an honors class in high school was weighted as an "A". So why bother putting in any extra work? I graduated with a 3.8. It could have easily been higher if I'd applied myself. I sound like my folks. Not that they breathe down my neck, but I remember hearing that phrase several times in high school. I frustrated the buhjeesus out of my mom, who actually *did* work her ass off in high school and college. I think she was the salutatorian of her college class at Miami. That's a huge accomplishment. But I only did what was necessary to skate by.

Am I doing that now? If I drop LK and Maestro and only work on a side project or two and keep Semi-Awesomes, am I giving up? Should I just suck it up and do as much improv as I can? I mean, I love it. But 3 shows a night is exhausting. I want more fun in my life, but I feel like a slacker if I have any. There are plenty of people at iO who are doing tons more than I am. On the other hand, this is LA, and I'm only going to be here for a few more months. Is it wrong to want to spend more time with my friends? Faith isn't doing any side improv, other than classes, and she's having a ball out here. I have to admit, I'm a bit jealous.

I want to surf. The weather's getting warmer. Well, it never really got cold. But it's warmer in the mornings and at night than it has been in the past. Weekday mornings are the best time to go surfing. And that's not something I can easily do in Texas. I can immerse myself in the improv scene, but I won't be able to do much surfing unless I drive for a few hours to the Gulf. Which, I plan on doing at least once a year. So, if I drop all troupes but a side project and the Semi-Awesomes, will I really have more fun? Or will I just watch more tv and sleep in and not do anything? Because it feels like I'm not doing anything right now.

These are questions I'd like to pose to a therapist. To get a professional opinion. And maybe help with coping with what I have. And working on my time management skills. Or just seeing it from a different point of view. Problem is, I can't get one to call me back to make an appointment.


It all comes down to this cliche: Life is what you make of it. I could suck it up and buckle down and do all the improv and work and gym time and even make time for the beach. Or, I could drop my extracurriculars and still not end up doing anything more than I am now. I can't predict what the outcome will be. The difference is, this time, if I leave a troupe, I won't be coming back. I left SA for a few months b/c I was just doing too much, but I was able to come back. If I drop out now, I won't be coming back b/c I won't be sticking around. Plus, it's not fair to the teams. I suppose I'm just stuck with the thing that always keeps me stuck: making the "right" decision. I worry too much. What if my decision is wrong? What if that's not what I'm supposed to do? No one will die, Ashley. It's not the old blue wire or red wire. It's just dropping out of a troupe and maybe slowing down for a little bit and enjoying life. Seeing more shows at iO. Grabbing a drink with friends. Relaxing.

There is a cat in heat outside my bedroom window.


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