The Angel episode tonight just became my favorite. Andrew came back for a cameo and had a ton of Lord of the Ring references. He hugged Spike and said, "He's back, Frodo. He's back." They also gave a Buffy update and next week Cordelia comes back. Very exciting!

I must have some bad karma or something.

So I enter the room with Barb, and she shows me the machine. Basically I'll be laying on my back on a massage table with a tube up my bum. Water that is the same temp as your body will flow in, and your body will naturally let it flow out. Barb tells me I'll feel pressure when the water goes in, but to try to take as much as I can. Then she massages my stomach for a while to help lymph drainage. And she massages my feet with peppermint oil for reflexology. So far I'm loving it. Then she inserts the tube (not so fun), and we begin.

She opens the valve for the first flow of water. And here is where I must stop for a bit to tell you a little about my personality. I tend to hold things in. When I go to a new massage therapist, they always comment on how tense I am. I'm also pretty anal--as in particular--about certain things. Before all of this started, Barb asked me to spit on a paper towel so she could check my pH. I asked her if I could just lick it, seeing as I abhor spit. She looked kind of annoyed, but said yes. There should have been her first clue.

So she turns the valve off, and this is the part where everything is supposed to drain out. There's a tube where you can see what's coming out, and there's just a little bit of clear water.

"Huh, you must be REALLY dehydrated. Your body is soaking up all the water."
"Actually, no, I drink like a fish. And I only drink water all day. No caffeine, nothing."
"Huh."

I do not like that conversation. She then lets more water in. Not only can I feel the pressure, but my belly is beginning to swell. Which immediately makes me think of my aunt's friend who has colon cancer. They gave her two enemas and nothing came out. They had her drink 17 glasses of that barium stuff and nothing came out. When they went to put the scope in, they couldn't get it in past two inches because the tumor was so big. So, of course, I immediately have colon cancer. After the third water entering treatment, I'm starting to get uncomfortable. And I have to pee. She tells me that it's because my body is soaking up the water and immediately dumping it into my bladder.

"Well, can I use the restroom and come back?"
"No, then we'd have to start all over."

She massages my stomach to try to get me to relax. But it's hard to do that when a stranger is holding a tube up your ass. She takes me through a guided meditation, and FINALLY I release some stuff. Except I feel something.

"Um, I think I'm leaking."
She looks.
"No. There's nothing there."
"Are you sure. It really feels like liquid is leaking out."
"I'm sure. You'll just have some odd sensations, but I promise everything is fine."

I don't believe her, but she's getting annoyed again so I shut up. She then informs me that she's going to put more water in. I tell her to hold on a second. My stomach (well, I guess my colon) makes this weird, loud, deep gurgling sound and a second wave of water and 26 year old built up crap is released. I feel much better. My stomach starts to go back to it's normal size. Now, remember, she has been loading water in to me for over a half an hour now, and not that much has come out. And I feel that leaking sensation again. Just when I'm starting to get comfortable and we're making some progress.

"OK, now I'm positive there's something there."

I roll over, and sure enough....oh god. She removes the white tube. It's all over my legs, my butt, the towel, the sheet, the massage table. I want to die. Actually, I want to poop. Then I want to die. She gives me a clean towel and I tip-toe into the bathroom. There I sit on the toilet and the most foul things are released. This is not a normal smell. This is a rotten smell. I can hear her changing the sheets and the towels and the mattress pad and spraying the room. I clean myself off and go back in. To apologize. What had happened was that my body had been holding everything in, and when it finally let go, the poor little white tube couldn't take it all.

There are no disinfectant towels to clean myself with. I would have been happy with some bleach and a rag. But no. I had to wipe off with a towel, and get dressed. And ride home. All I could think of on the ride home was, "Thank god she used peppermint and thank god my shoes are open-toed."

I asked her if that had ever happened before. She said once. I told her she was lying just to make me feel better. She said no she wasn't, but not very convincingly.

So that's the story of my colon cleansing gone wild. If I ever win the lottery, I may go in for a session. They have packages of 10, and you're supposed to go 3 times your first week, 2 your second, and once a week for a month. It "aggressively" cleans you out. And now I know what to expect. But I don't know that I can ever be with Barb again.

And the worst part is knowing that I'll be the talk of the office for the next month.

WARNING

I just want to let you all know that tomorrow I will be posting my colon hydrotherapy trauma. I mean story. It will be graphic. It will be stinky. But right now Paul is pacing and waiting for me so we can watch a movie. I will not be upset if you don't read my next post. But, remember, I did give you fair warning.

Dear Colon,
Good luck tomorrow.
Love,
Ashley

Hey! It's my birthday!

I cannot wait three whole entire weeks until the next episode of the OC. This is torture!! Don't they realize what they're doing to me?! I need Seth's acerbic wit. I need Ryan's one face. I need Marissa's nievety. I need Summer's annoying voice. I need Luke's new-found humanness. I need Sandy's care-free attitude. I need Anna's pixie-like qualities. I need them all. NOW.

Good news to report! My dad went in today for the cath, and he has no blockage. We find out tomorrow or Wed. as to when and where his heart surgery will take place. I'm going to fly out for a couple of days for that, then am planning a longer vacation in June to see my sister graduate college and to visit the fam. I talked to my dad, and he's doing great. It hadn't really sunk in until this morning when he went in and realized they could give him some really bad news. So right now he's just taking it easy and chillin' at home. I just want to say thank you to everyone for all of your support. I've received several emails and I feel very lucky to have such a huge support system. You guys are the best!

I would not be so freaked out if A) Paul's best friend from high school's dad hadn't of died last week, or B) Some random famous woman who went in for a face lift hadn't of died yesterday. Something is wrong with my dad. Last week he got a reminder from his doctor that he's long overdue for a physical. So he went in for one. And the doctor noticed a murmur that wasn't there last time. Tuesday he went in for an ultrasound. A technician did it and couldn't tell them anything. He said the doctor would call if he found something, but plan to come in for a check up in February. Then my folks went to Columbus to take my sister out for her birthday. When they got home there was a message on the machine telling him to call first thing in the morning to make an appointment for Friday. He went in today and they did more tests. He has to have heart surgery. There's this syndrome that Pres. Lincoln might have had--it affects people with long limbs. My dad is 6'6". So there's really no way he could have avoided this. Two valves are falling apart. If he doesn't get them replaced immediately--no, not fixed, replaced--he will die. He goes in Monday for some kind of catheter up his leg vein so they can see if there's any blockage in his heart. They don't want to go in for one type of surgery and find out that he also needs a bypass. It's also to see how much his aorta is damaged. So this is pretty serious. He's not in the hospital right now only because he doesn't have shortness of breath. The doc said that between now and Monday if he notices any change whatsoever to call 911 so he doesn't have a stroke. They're sort of in shock right now. My sister's pretty upset. I'm numb. It's my biggest fear to lose my parents. I've lost a lot of people in recent years that I've been close to, and I'm sort of done with it. No more death. Steph's dad, Mem's dad, Rebecca, Matt, Johnny's mom--just to name a few. This is the one time I wish I was home. So I could be there to help out. They're moving in to another house, for cryin' out loud.

Trying to think positive. Well, it will take a couple of months to recover, and my dad won't be allowed to go up and down stairs. The house they're buying is a ranch. My sister isn't taking classes this quarter, so she can get home if needed. My mom isn't working, so she can help take care of him. So the timing is good, at least. But this is serious. He's in trouble.

And I miss him.

And I'm scared.

Sadly, I will not be getting my colon cleaned this month. My $85 is going to be committed elsewhere. And I was really looking forward to it, too.
:(

I would just like you all to know that this January 11th, I am not shoveling snow around my car. I am not scraping ice off the windshield. In fact, the high today is going to be 78. And tonight I might rollerblade while Paul jogs. This is the best.

I am experiencing PMS for the first time in over three years. I just went back to the pill from the shot, and last night as I was awake in bed, I was trying to figure out why I was so mad for no reason. Remember "Say Anything"? I was trying to decide to be in a good mood, but it just wasn't happening. I was still pissed when I went to work this morning, and that's when it dawned on me. Wow, this is what PMS is. And I thought about it from a guy's perspective for a minute. And I felt sorry for them. But now that I'm aware of it, I refuse to give in to it. I am deciding to be in a better mood. I'm really enjoying this self-analysis thing.

I bought sleeping pills. Still not sure if I'm going to take them. They're sort of there just in case. The past couple of nights I haven't been sleeping well. Mainly toss and turn and think about how I have to get up at 5:45 and it's already after midnight. Then I think about all of the things I could be doing, seeing as I'm not sleeping. The kitchen needs to be straightened. The laundry needs to be separated. I could be reading through my agent's legal info that needs to be signed for my meeting tomorrow. Do they have my headshots printed? When will the reproductions be ready? I should make that colon cleaning appointment tomorrow. I have to get up at 5:45 and now it's almost 1. Great. This has been going on for the past two days so I bought a sleeping pill. But I don't want to take it. They all say, "non habit-forming." Which makes me even more nervous. Will I become addicted to the pills? Will I ever be able to sleep without them? Will I have a stroke because I'm not getting enough sleep? Will the Cubs have a good year next year, or was this it? So I may or may not be ingesting a potentially non habit-forming drug at some point in the future.

But most importantly, a new episode of The O.C. is on tomorrow night.

I feel very lucky. I looked back on the past year and am generally happy. I feel like I'm moving forward with my life. I'm starting a new year with a new agent in a new state. I am very happy. And very thankful for that.