I must have some bad karma or something.

So I enter the room with Barb, and she shows me the machine. Basically I'll be laying on my back on a massage table with a tube up my bum. Water that is the same temp as your body will flow in, and your body will naturally let it flow out. Barb tells me I'll feel pressure when the water goes in, but to try to take as much as I can. Then she massages my stomach for a while to help lymph drainage. And she massages my feet with peppermint oil for reflexology. So far I'm loving it. Then she inserts the tube (not so fun), and we begin.

She opens the valve for the first flow of water. And here is where I must stop for a bit to tell you a little about my personality. I tend to hold things in. When I go to a new massage therapist, they always comment on how tense I am. I'm also pretty anal--as in particular--about certain things. Before all of this started, Barb asked me to spit on a paper towel so she could check my pH. I asked her if I could just lick it, seeing as I abhor spit. She looked kind of annoyed, but said yes. There should have been her first clue.

So she turns the valve off, and this is the part where everything is supposed to drain out. There's a tube where you can see what's coming out, and there's just a little bit of clear water.

"Huh, you must be REALLY dehydrated. Your body is soaking up all the water."
"Actually, no, I drink like a fish. And I only drink water all day. No caffeine, nothing."
"Huh."

I do not like that conversation. She then lets more water in. Not only can I feel the pressure, but my belly is beginning to swell. Which immediately makes me think of my aunt's friend who has colon cancer. They gave her two enemas and nothing came out. They had her drink 17 glasses of that barium stuff and nothing came out. When they went to put the scope in, they couldn't get it in past two inches because the tumor was so big. So, of course, I immediately have colon cancer. After the third water entering treatment, I'm starting to get uncomfortable. And I have to pee. She tells me that it's because my body is soaking up the water and immediately dumping it into my bladder.

"Well, can I use the restroom and come back?"
"No, then we'd have to start all over."

She massages my stomach to try to get me to relax. But it's hard to do that when a stranger is holding a tube up your ass. She takes me through a guided meditation, and FINALLY I release some stuff. Except I feel something.

"Um, I think I'm leaking."
She looks.
"No. There's nothing there."
"Are you sure. It really feels like liquid is leaking out."
"I'm sure. You'll just have some odd sensations, but I promise everything is fine."

I don't believe her, but she's getting annoyed again so I shut up. She then informs me that she's going to put more water in. I tell her to hold on a second. My stomach (well, I guess my colon) makes this weird, loud, deep gurgling sound and a second wave of water and 26 year old built up crap is released. I feel much better. My stomach starts to go back to it's normal size. Now, remember, she has been loading water in to me for over a half an hour now, and not that much has come out. And I feel that leaking sensation again. Just when I'm starting to get comfortable and we're making some progress.

"OK, now I'm positive there's something there."

I roll over, and sure enough....oh god. She removes the white tube. It's all over my legs, my butt, the towel, the sheet, the massage table. I want to die. Actually, I want to poop. Then I want to die. She gives me a clean towel and I tip-toe into the bathroom. There I sit on the toilet and the most foul things are released. This is not a normal smell. This is a rotten smell. I can hear her changing the sheets and the towels and the mattress pad and spraying the room. I clean myself off and go back in. To apologize. What had happened was that my body had been holding everything in, and when it finally let go, the poor little white tube couldn't take it all.

There are no disinfectant towels to clean myself with. I would have been happy with some bleach and a rag. But no. I had to wipe off with a towel, and get dressed. And ride home. All I could think of on the ride home was, "Thank god she used peppermint and thank god my shoes are open-toed."

I asked her if that had ever happened before. She said once. I told her she was lying just to make me feel better. She said no she wasn't, but not very convincingly.

So that's the story of my colon cleansing gone wild. If I ever win the lottery, I may go in for a session. They have packages of 10, and you're supposed to go 3 times your first week, 2 your second, and once a week for a month. It "aggressively" cleans you out. And now I know what to expect. But I don't know that I can ever be with Barb again.

And the worst part is knowing that I'll be the talk of the office for the next month.