horrible dreams

last night i dreamt that justin, jastroch, and arthur would not speak to me b/c i was friends with tami and chris. it made me really sad.

this one i totally understand. the people i have been friends with the longest in austin are not friends with each other anymore. the theater at which i was hoping to work is still up and running, but 2 of the 5 founding members now have their own theater. the dynamic i thought i would be moving into is now hugely changed.

then i dreamt about a girl who was molested as a child. it involved her running and screaming and crying and almost drowning at one point. and her father was this disgusting, smelly, horrible person who was molested by his father who showed up later in the dream. the mother was away at work all the time doing something with flowers. when she came home from work (years had passed) and realized what was going on, there was running and screaming and fighting and crying on her end, too. and i think a shot gun.

what the hell is up with that?!

Time Travel

It freaks me out. I actually think it's already been discovered, used, the world has ended, and someone came back to sabotage the devices. I just watched Primer the other day and it got me thinking. If you go back in time just once, there's now this infinite loop of going back and going back and going back and there are infinite copies of yourself. It's uncontrollable. I guess that's what's scary to me-being that out of control. And thinking about how time folds in on itself. Please, if you're trying to discover time travel, stop immediately. Back away from your invention. Go have some ice cream.

Mmmm...ice cream. What a good idea!

2 weeks
8 gym sessions
3 pounds

slowly but surely. this week i will be a chocolate-craving bloated mess, but i'm still going to try to get in 4 gym sessions. i like working out. it feels good. plus i totally make up fight scenes in the gym when i'm spinning. remember when we were in college and we had different meal-time crushes? well, i have an instructor crush and a salesman crush. it makes me smile when i see them.

In the past 6 days I've been to the gym 5 times. That's 3 spin classes with a teacher, 2 spin sessions on my own (I have a 45 minute routine), a yoga class, 3 days of lifting (twice arms, once legs-my legs are getting quite the work out in spin class), plus sit ups. I've been going to bed earlier and getting up earlier. This also means that I'm not going out in the evenings. For now, that's fine. I really want to focus on fitting back into my clothes.

Two days ago I was doing my leg routine and I walked to the seated calf machine. A buff guy on the machine next to it popped his head over. I apologized and asked if he was about to use this machine. He said no and then started complimenting me on how pretty my face was. He said he didn't mean to drool, that he was married and had kids, but that he was a trainer at the gym and sees lots of women and I just had the prettiest face. He kept emphasizing face. I politely thanked him and as he was walking away, he said, "Keep working out. You, yeah, have a lot to offer." And then-I kid you not-he gave me a thumbs up.

Now, I'm not going to be a complainy beotch. I mean, he meant well. It's just that I'm hyper aware of the way I've let myself go, so to have someone emphasize my face felt like the old pat on the head and the too bad about the rest of you. It reminded me of the time Paul told me his brother said I'd be a total knock out if only I'd lose a few pounds. He thought that was a nice thing to say. I almost cried.

So, anyway, I'm trying to hit the gym 6 days/week for the next couple of months. I'm also eating better, which my insides are thrilled about. Yesterday Faith and I got massages, then on the way home she wanted to stop by McDonalds. As much as I love their $1 double cheeseburgers and fries, and could pretty much eat them anytime, I actually didn't want them at all. I could visualize the toxins being released during the massage and I had a great work out that day, so I almost felt sick to my stomach at the thought of putting that food in my body. I opted for eggbeaters, a slice of toast w/peanutbutter, and 2 pieces of bacon on the Forman Grill with most of the fat drained and patted off.

Tomorrow night I go to Ben's to watch The Biggest Loser. Inspiration!

Harry Potter comes out 07.17.09. I will be in a new city then. No easy access to Faith or Stefanie or Michelle. I'm sure there are plenty of Potter fans in Austin, but Michelle and I have been fans together for something like 5 years. You can't beat that.

Le sigh.