Such an inspiring day! I had an acting workshop with Gay Gilbert, a top casting director in AZ, and Bruce Nelson, a Chekhov acting coach. I love taking these workshops--it gets me so jazzed. I learned a lot and was able to apply it immediately. Plus, Gay told me I would do just fine in LA, which I took as a huge compliment coming from her. I haven't been happy with my auditioning lately, but I think this will really help. Ugh, I am so excited about life right now!

Yesterday was a bad day. I got stuck at the apartment trying to put stuff together and Paul came home. We talked and I cried. Some more. But I feel really good about things now. I mean, I don't want to throw a party any time soon, but I don't want to shrivel up and die. I missed rehearsal for the first time since I started with the JesterZ, and three people called and three others emailed. I feel very lucky that I have so much support. And I'm very thankful to everyone. Also, I've decided to move to LA finally. I'm shooting for the beginning quarter of 2006, which is scaryexciting. So, um, Paul, if you could wait until then to start dating, that would be great. Just kidding. A little.

Just to warn everyone, the posts over the upcoming weeks will probably all be about how miserable I am and how much I miss Paul and how I wish things were different. I want to talk to him every night. I want to hear what happened during his day. I want everything to go back to the way it was. I want the lump in my throat to stop throbbing.

This sucks.

OK, so here's the deal. Monday night Paul and I broke up. We want different things out of life and that wasn't going to change. I don't want to speak for him, but I think we both knew it, but neither one of us had the balls to do anything about it. Next year I'm planning a move to LA. He really does *not* want to go. Plus we have different friends and interests. And he wants a family before I do. Not any time soon...But I definitely do NOT want a family, so I sort of saw that as becoming a problem down the line. I'm a selfish actor focused on her career. It would have been easier if we had been fighting or didn't still love each other. But that's not the case. I'm moving in with my aunt and uncle until our lease is up in August. Monday night was so amazingly hard. And it's only gotten worse. I went in to work this morning and read an email he sent me. I then left work and drove down to the apartment. We had a great talk about everything. I was so scared that he would hate me or never want to see me again. That is not the case. I still may come over every once in a while to watch Desparate Housewives, The OC, or Lost. It's going to be hard--I'm not kidding myself about that--but he's such a huge part of my life, I can't just up and leave that. If this transitions well, I think we'll be great friends for the rest of our lives. Like me and zha. I hope I will like (yet secretly hate) the new girls Paul dates. Not any time soon, mind you. I would hate to have to kill anyone if he moves on too quickly. I wish this didn't have to happen, but I feel so much better about things now. It would have been even worse if we had remained together. I may have put off LA, or we might have grown to resent each other. This way, it's a clean break on good terms. It's still going to be difficult, but I think it's for the best. I have grown so much and learned so much from and with him. This has been an amazing three years. I'm going to miss his family. They ruled. I'm going to miss a ton of things. But you pick yourself up and go on with life.

So there it is. A new chapter begins.

I woke up this morning with my eyes so swollen I could not open them. I had to sit with ice cubes on them for 10 minutes before I could focus. I looked like someone who had a bad food allergy.

But I guess that's expected when you leave the love of your life.

Sometimes I don't like who I am. I don't like who I've become. I don't like how I treat people. I found myself talking about a friend last night in a way that didn't make me happy. I am disappointing myself more and more. I think it's time for professional help.

Two shows in two weeks. I'm really enjoying the Jesterz A LOT. I am so super tired and have nothing meaningful to say, but I was pretty happy with my performance tonight. Ben and I had this great connection moment on stage where we were playing siblings in a bathroom pretending we were popular. Offstage someone yells, "What are you guys doing? You've been in there for 20 minutes!" We turned and faced the same way and yelled at the same time, "Nothing, Mom!" It was beautiful.

I had an interview today for a job that requires much more of a time commitment than I'm willing to agree to. Which is just fine because I'm underqualified for the position as it is. There were a couple of times during the interview that I misprounounced a word, then corrected myself. I felt a little like Jessica Simpson (except that she wouldn't have know she was doing anything wrong). Then at the end, all four judges on the panel stood up to shake my hand. My left foot slipped off my shoe and had it not been for the chair and table, I would have gone down. My ankle is swollen and hurts, and I have a JesterZ performance tonight. Crap.

So, to sum up, I've had better interviews.

You have to read this. (scroll up to the beginning) The saddest part was when I checked the MSN homepage and I saw the headline, "Pope John Paul II Dies", my first thought was, "Hey, I won the bet." If my place in hell wasn't already reserved, it sure would be after that.

Speaking of poop, here is a lovely tidbit of information from Meeeechelle:

"The African black rhinoceros excretes its own weight in dung every 48 hours."

My sister would be jealous.