I remember this summer calling Tosh. He was in my bed, and I got up and took my phone outside and went for a walk. And called her at one in the morning. And I remember what I was afraid of. That this is the best thing that ever happened to me, but when it was my time to leave, he would stay. And my heart would break. Except this time, it wouldn't heal. And she listened to my insane ranting about wanting to protect myself, and not wanting to get hurt. And she told me to live each day at a time. And not to go back in there and wake him and break up over a fear of the possibility being hurt in the future. And I remember her saying that she wasn't going to be able to move in September, that maybe it would be January. And I said great, that I've found this perfect person and I want to spend as much time as possible with him before we leave. That I will just accept my broken heart and go forward from there. Except now time has passed and I love him more than I thought possible. And now I'm not moving to LA, I'm moving to Phoenix. And now he's coming with me. And the thought of us starting a life together is so exciting and wonderful and amazing. But tonight when we hung up the phone I wanted to call him back and break it off. Because I still have that fear. That he's not going to come. That something will happen between now and then and he'll stay. And my heart will shatter. I mean, we're way beyond brakeage at this point. And I will leave anyway, because there's nothing for me here. And it hurts too much to be in the same place. In my kitchen remembering how he hugs me when I cook. On my couch remembering how he playes the guitar. And this crazy thought of, just end it now, popped into my head. If I had done that six months ago, I would never have these perfect memories to look back on. His smile. His eyes. I never dreamed I'd feel this way. I mean, I've always wondered, but I had no idea. The impact. How deeply I could care for another person. How I want everything in his life to be perfect. How I would do anything for him. And I can't sleep because I feel that I'm pushing him away. Not on purpose. Just that my fears are manifesting themselves, and, I don't know. The last thing in the world I want is to lose him. But I feel that it's coming. Is it really better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all? I can't decide. I mean, the beauty and joy of that other person is amazing. But so is the depth of grief. So, if you're going to break my heart, please do it soon. And quickly. And I'm sorry. For being such a spaz.

I can't call her tonight. She's in a show.

Oh, and Happy Valentine's Day.