Sometimes I wish there were no human emotions. Sometimes I wish I lived on a deserted island with a huge pool and a clean beach and tons of books and digital cable. Just me and some horses and some lions. That would be easy. Easier. I could read and sleep and learn and maybe even correspond on the internet. But not talk on the phone. Not have any contact. Because the internet would just be words. Maybe I would have postal service to my island. But no one would visit. The people I kept in touch with wouldn't seem real. Because they would be two dimensional. And I could live in my head. And remember. But I wouldn't lose anyone. No one would move away. People wouldn't get married and have their own lives. With children and dogs and everything. Why is it that I would not be able to function if something happened to zha or tosh? Or my dad? Or mom or sister? Why can I say I love you to some people, but not to others? I could say it to zha in front of his mom or sisters, but not in front of my parents. Because they don't understand. They only see love as one thing. They would probably have a conniption if they knew I said it to Tosh. Because I do. I love. Her and zha and Heather and even my Lazzy Bear. I love Johnny, but I've never said it. He's said it to me, but I've never said it back. Because some part of me is still programmed by my parents. Love is not one thing. But sometimes I wish I felt nothing at all. Then I wouldn't be sad that my friend moved to New York today. Or that someday I'll leave everything behind for my own dreams. Or that the one person I feel the closest to will soon be the farthest away. Yes we write and yes we talk, but we don't drum together. Or eat dinner. I haven't heard him whistle in so long. And I have been more open with people lately. I tell them how I feel. I let them know how important they are to me. Because you never know. One day you might hug them goodbye, and that's it. You never see them again. And this is not all about death. It's about people's lives changing. Moving to another city and saying you'll keep in touch, but really, after a while, you don't. Because you meet new people and forge new relationships. But why must we do that? What does that fill? Do I even want to do that when I move? Start all over again? What's the point? People come and go and that's just a fact. But what makes them stay? Why do I meet someone and have a fantastic time, and the very next day drive her to a bus station so she can live in another city? Sometimes I anticipate the pain of letting go so much that I won't let anyone in. Part of me isn't counting on us living together. Because something always seems to happen. Something always seems to change. Maybe you really will go to Florida. Maybe I really will stay here. Because at this moment, I can't imagine being anywhere else. It just doesn't seem possible. I just want to hole myself up in my apartment and let the world spin around me.

But maybe none of this is real, and it doesn't matter anyway. I know you know. Why won't you tell me?