It really amazes me how the universe works sometimes. This weekend was the trip to LA (which will have a separate post later). I got to know my travel partner very well. It's a 10 hour round trip, so much talking was had by all. One of the topics was a girl he loves. They aren't together, but he's waiting for her. I am a hopeless romantic, so that gets me right here (points to heart). I didn't sleep much this weekend; and last night, driving home knowing I would only get 3 hours before work, I was a bit delirious. I was thinking about his situation and mine, and just became really sad. I want to be loved like that. I want to love someone that much. Tosha is giving up the dream to move west for the love of her life. I wanted so badly for Paul to be that person for me. That's why we stayed together so long. I realize that now. I knew he wasn't right for a long time, but I fought it because I wanted it to work more than I wanted to be happy. Sometimes I still do. The weeks after the break up I thought about saying, "Screw it...Forget LA. Let's get married." But my heart knew he wasn't the right person.
Before I go on, I have to set this up:
I've been living with my aunt and uncle since I left him. They are two of the most amazing people in my life. They opened their home to my sister for 9 months when she first moved out here, and they've opened it to me until I go to LA. I am so thankful for them in so many ways. It's been nice to be with family at such a hard transition.
Switching back:
So I'm driving home after a long weekend thinking about all of these things. About how beautiful it is that Tosha found Craig; that David will wait forever for her. And feeling very alone. And the song from Moulin Rouge keeps playing over and over in my head. "The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love, and be loved in return." I think my biggest fear is that I won't find it. I see my aunt and uncle after 30+ years of marriage and the love between them is almost tangible. I have so much to give. Which is why I think I'm so affectionate with people. After shows/rehearsals, Faith's head is in my lap, or I'm linked with Ben's arm. I walk into Nancy & Bob's and am completely delirious with lack of sleep. Three hours until I have to get up again, did I mention that? And I walk into my room. When I left, the bed was unmade and there was crap everywhere that I needed to go through. Stuff to keep, stuff to get rid of. I just shut the door so they won't see the mess. But I come home and the bed it made, the sheets are clean, my laundry is done, the junk is in a crate in the closet, the floor is vacuumed, and there's a card on the bed. "Having a niece like you...Is like having a little springtime all year long." Just because. No reason for that. And I am overwhelmed with emotion. That is exactly what I needed. To be reminded that I *am* loved. That there *are* people in my life who I affect and who care about me. Just the simple act of cleaning my room while I was away and leaving a thoughtful card absolutely blew me away. I'm still swallowing the lump in my throat.
So, I thank You for that. For this weekend. For what You've shown me. For what You've helped me remember. For *Your* love.
Before I go on, I have to set this up:
I've been living with my aunt and uncle since I left him. They are two of the most amazing people in my life. They opened their home to my sister for 9 months when she first moved out here, and they've opened it to me until I go to LA. I am so thankful for them in so many ways. It's been nice to be with family at such a hard transition.
Switching back:
So I'm driving home after a long weekend thinking about all of these things. About how beautiful it is that Tosha found Craig; that David will wait forever for her. And feeling very alone. And the song from Moulin Rouge keeps playing over and over in my head. "The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love, and be loved in return." I think my biggest fear is that I won't find it. I see my aunt and uncle after 30+ years of marriage and the love between them is almost tangible. I have so much to give. Which is why I think I'm so affectionate with people. After shows/rehearsals, Faith's head is in my lap, or I'm linked with Ben's arm. I walk into Nancy & Bob's and am completely delirious with lack of sleep. Three hours until I have to get up again, did I mention that? And I walk into my room. When I left, the bed was unmade and there was crap everywhere that I needed to go through. Stuff to keep, stuff to get rid of. I just shut the door so they won't see the mess. But I come home and the bed it made, the sheets are clean, my laundry is done, the junk is in a crate in the closet, the floor is vacuumed, and there's a card on the bed. "Having a niece like you...Is like having a little springtime all year long." Just because. No reason for that. And I am overwhelmed with emotion. That is exactly what I needed. To be reminded that I *am* loved. That there *are* people in my life who I affect and who care about me. Just the simple act of cleaning my room while I was away and leaving a thoughtful card absolutely blew me away. I'm still swallowing the lump in my throat.
So, I thank You for that. For this weekend. For what You've shown me. For what You've helped me remember. For *Your* love.
posted by a c at
6:21 AM
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