Sometimes when I have nothing to say, I write anyway. For Tosha. Knowing that she reads this five times a day. So I almost have my comedic routine laid out. Did I mention that? I'm going to do an open mike nite at a club one of these days. One of these days in the distant future. Well, sometime before September. Ahh, September. That month is slowly creeping up on me. And I've decided not to think about it until June. I'll just live in my crazy-neighbor-ER-watching-dream-obsessed world. There are people laughing and talking in the apartment diagonally above me. And sometimes I want to go to the coffee shop and hang out and meet new people. But mostly I want to remain a hermit. I've grown bored of life here. zha has taught me many things. And one of the things I respect about him the most is his ability to move. I've lived here my whole life. He's lived (and I use the term loosly) all over. This fall he got in his car and drove. Just left everything behind to find something else. But I know what I'm looking for. I guess I'm just afraid it won't be everything I dream of. And sometimes I'm afraid I'll never get there. I'll just stay in this apartment forever. But I don't want that. I want to live on the west coast. Every time I run into someone from the past and we exchange future plans, the response is always the same. "Oh, man. That's so great! No one ever follows their dreams, and you are! I wish I had your guts. That's so cool!" Et cetera, et cetera. Yeah, folks, but I'm not there yet. I've done one show since we graduated, and turned two down. Why? Many reasons. But I haven't been actively auditioning. But I don't want to do theatre. So here I am, alone on a Friday night. Getting ready to finish my dishes and fold my laundry. And then on to some serious spring cleaning. And now they've turned on music. I've changed so much. I just don't have the energy to socialize anymore. And I keep thinking all that will change once I get to Cali. That everything will magically be perfect. But I don't really want to go by myself. And I may not, we'll see. For the first time, I'm really afraid. Of what's out there. Of what I'll become. Of what my future holds. I'm so much of a Dreamer. And a Planner. I need to make the transition to a Doer.