Thursday, June 12, 2008

I am really scared and frustrated right now and I have no one to talk to. I don't think I can handle the next year out here. I've never liked LA. I've had several conversations with my parents about why I didn't just move to Austin, and they've been really supportive. But it's 2am their time, so I can't really call them. I'm glad I'm here. I am getting such an amazing education from such amazing people. I'm on, like, 8 different rehearsal teams. I'm going to start UCB later this summer. I am completely saturated. But I'm not a big city person. And the people out here drive me crazy.

But I'm afraid I'm putting too much on the shoulders of Austin. I'm afraid I think my life is going to be all puppies and rainbows when I move out there, but it's really going to be the same. However, the few times I've gone out there, I've just really felt at home. There is a difference between going out for a drink every night after a show or rehearsal or something, and getting completely wasted all the time. That annoys me. I like going out as much as the next guy, but the pace out here is not something I'm into. I couldn't go out much in AZ b/c I was working all the time to set up the job situation I have now. I've hung out with people in Austin. I've partied with people in Austin. That is a pace I can keep up with.

I'm about to sign a year lease with my current roommate and we're adding a second girl. There will be three of us. This is a bad idea. I have all of this pent up frustration that I'm just holding inside because it's easier that way. I remember a guy friend talking about how horrible he is at ending relationships. That once he stayed in one until he moved to another city and was able to use that as the excuse. I'm sort of doing the same thing. But my move isn't for another year. I feel trapped. I'm thrilled that I'm doing this much improv, but it takes time to look for another place. Time that I just don't have at the moment. There's also a whole issue of trying to find another person who needs a roommate, etc. It's just easier to stay where I am. And a part of me feels like it would be impossible to find another roommate. Everyone I know is set in their living situation and I definitely do not want to live with a stranger. And I can't afford to live by myself.


That's a whole different stress point. Because of minor medical stuff, I have no savings and quite a credit card bill. And with a move coming up, we need a deposit and first month's rent in cash. Plus, the roommate isn't so good with the money management, and that's something I worry about.

Tonight it just all came to a head. One thing I've been struggling with is that I know where I want to be and I know what I want to do. But I'm not doing it. However, I am actively pursuing avenues that I think will help set me up for what I want. Sort of like when I made sacrifices in AZ to set myself up with a fantastic, well-paying job I can keep for the rest of my life. I guess I see LA as that: a sacrifice. I will also have that checked off my To Do list. I won't be 50 and look back on my life and think, "I wonder what it would have been like if..." I've lived here. I know it's not for me. Done.

I guess I just see this next year as having so many headaches and stress that I'm really not looking forward to it. But I don't feel like there's any way around it. I just have to plow through and stay focused.


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