Wednesday, March 07, 2007

I was emailing my boy this morning when it hit me how much my relationship with Paul kinda damaged me. Most of my insecurities are because of that guy.

The first year was pretty great. I remember calling Tosha in the middle of the night so she would talk me out of breaking up with him. I knew I would be moving west and I didn't think he would come and I was really in love with him. So, convinced that it would never work, I figured I should end it before the hurt was too much. She would tell me I was an idiot, and in the end, he left OH for me. He left his family and job and friends to move to AZ. He left everything so I could pursue my dream.

When we first got out here, it was pretty good. For about a month. Then I started realizing how different the two of us were. He would come home from work and get high and play video games. He had so much potential, but he was satisfied with where he was in life. I mean, the guy seriously could be a professional golfer if he applied himself. I needed someone with more drive. More ambition. And, of course, there was Jill. She was cute and bubbly and he worked with her and they had much more in common. I'm not a bar person, and they would go out to bars together. And play pool. And play golf. He assured me that nothing was going on, but I always felt like I was in constant competition with her. He wouldn't stop seeing her. I mean, I didn't ask him to, but he knew how insecure I felt. If you really care about a person you are in a relationship with, you do what you can to comfort them. Also, it was very clear she was interested in him. After we broke up, they actually ended up dating for a while.

The last year we were together was bad. I had put on some weight. Not a ton. Maybe 15 lbs. That affected our physical relationship. Which, I now see, has managed to destroy a lot of my self confidence. If the guy I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with isn't attracted to me, how could anyone else possibly be? That was a huge issue with us. I am a very physical person and he was constantly pushing me away. So I gave up. We started keeping opposite hours. I would go to work early and have rehearsals in the evening. He would stay up late playing poker online and sleep in. I felt like I was being avoided in my own house. We barely spoke. And he would sleep in our bed head to toe. I'm not kidding. I would wake up with his feet next to my face.

And then there was the discovery of improv. Something I loved and was good at. Something that has become a central focus in my life. And it was like pulling teeth to get him to come to shows. I didn't need him to *like* the shows. I needed him to support what I was doing. To at least attempt to understand this thing that I wanted to do more than anything else. The improv community is like no other. The people are so open and loving and accepting. The heart of improv is to support--to yes and. I was not getting any of that from him. I was getting it from the friends I was making. That was the first real eye-opener. I remember going out with the Jester'Z and Specht kept asking me when I was going to break up with Paul. At first it was a joke, but then they weren't kidding anymore. It was the last day of PIF, 2005 that I made the decision.

So, in this email today from New Guy, he compliments me. And I immediately I'm all, you gotta be kidding. I got really negative and really down on myself quickly. Then I realized what I was doing. And I wondered why. And then all these memories came back.

This is stuff I'm going to have to deal with and push through, but it was an interesting realization to have.


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